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Tuesday, May 9, 2017

E-I-E-I Odes to Animals

Listen up people. 

Remember your Vegetarian Pledges.

Consider the stylized painting of the forest creatures sitting together in peaceful harmony? No predators and no prey. The Lion sits with the Lamb, the Spider next to the Fly, the Senator next to the Intern, the College senior boy next to the College freshman girl.
This is but a moment in time, otherwise somebody will get hungry. In reality, at the first sound of the Lion’s grumbling stomach, the Lamb would quickly excuse himself from the table. The Fly would buzz away when the web started to spin. 
Unfortunately, the Senator and College senior boy will compromise the Intern and College freshman girl in a drunken foursome. 
Here are some verses to honor our animal friends. They are both Friends and Food. We are the Stewards and the Barbecue Masters:

My dog Ruff can’t walk too well
And he always tries to bite us.
His teeth are meaner than his bark
Because he has Arfritis.
My rodent is getting older
But wants to look light and breezy
So she colors her fur every week
With a rinse of Mice N Easy.
The Lamprey was reserved at parties
And never showed up for High Teas.
And when he did appear in public
He was shy, always eel at ease.

The lobster killed her mate.
The reason was unknown.
Her attorney is using the defense
Of The Buttered Wife Syndrome.
The old dog’s feet did swell
It was thought to be Arthritis
But when he took some aspirin
It cured his case of Fleabitus.

My snail took an assertive course
But it’s just too soon to tell
We don't know if he’s running away
Or just coming out of his shell.

My python is a monogamous snake
His girlfriend is so easy to please
They’ve been together 30 years
She still is his main squeeze.

The big bad wolf is short of breath.
The 3 little pigs are all smiles.
They say he has the C O P D,
From Coughing On Pig's Domiciles. 

My parrot watches TV religiously
Especially the 700 Club each day.
He stalks the cats in the yard
Since now he's a bird of pray.

My hog’s photos are on the web
I am far from being elated.
At least her pork loins
Were graphically Pigsalated.

My mongrel dog had a tremor
And would not let me pet her.
They treated her for Barkinson’s
And now she feels mutts better.

Gleefully prancing on the shore
The otter searched for fodder
To give to his new girlfriend,
His true significant otter. 

My budgie ate some fudgie
Which made his bowels run real slow.
And when he added marshmallows,
His farts smelled like hot cocoa.

The horse was hit by a truck
While he was still young and able.
They took him to the Vet
His condition now is stable.

If you can not find a mule,
A horse or a strong cow,
Then it certainly is not too cruel
For 600 hamsters to pull a plow.

Spring Break in the old oak tree,

The weather is starting to get mild.
Hide your acorns and your nuts
Because here it is: Squirrels Gone Wild.

A State Farm agent stole my gecko
And headed for the border.
The police never found the lizard
Because the LoJack was out of order.

My parakeet only eats fish
So he flies o’er the river in search
For any tasty minnow that he sees
Though his favorite fish is Perch.

There are so many homilies
About morals and where it’s at
But there are no clear-cut rules
On how to legally skin a cat.

Mary had a little lamb
That was born in west Latvia.

The little lamb snored all night
And suffered from sheep apnea.

There once was a rooster named Sam

Who thought he was a Virginia prized ham.
He was stalked and then shot
And cooked in a pot
And served as a leg of lamb.

My newspaper editor
Asked me to get the latest scoop,
But when I walked my dog last night
I only scooped the poop.

A man’s best friend
Truly is his trusty dog
Until the wife puts in white carpet
And the dog lays down a log.

Save the manatee, make no wake.

Prepare the table for evening seating.
Because if our boat kills a Sea Cow
They’re always good for eating.

Anybody out there draw like Shel Silverstein used to?

Contact me and we'll do a book together.