World's Oldest Flamingo Dies

I hope Shrimp is on
the early bird menu.

The oldest flamingo in captivity died in Sydney, Australia in January. Even now, it's difficult to type or utter the words, "The old flamingo is dead," without choking up.

Greater, the Flamingo, died at age 83. He was euthanized due to to complications of old age. He even refused to drink his shrimp flavored can of Ensure.

Ok, Ok, he was actually dispatched in the kitchen of a Sidney Popeye’s Chicken franchise. “Try our Flamingo on the Barbie. We put the Flaming back in Flamingo. We, however, don't mean to imply anything negative or positive about the bird’s sexual orientation with our use of the word, Flaming.”

Ironically, the former oldest living flamingo was once the world’s youngest flamingo in 1931, until his brother hatched two hours later.

Regarding the end of life decision, the Adelaide Zoo representative said, “Although this is an extremely sad loss for us all, it was the right thing to do. Greater is in a better place now … inside some bloke’s Popeye’s Chicken Take-Out Sack."

Trivia:

A dead flamingo is called a Flamingone.

Popeye’s Chicken is a subliminal message promoting the Catholic Church. POPE YES.

A Flamingo has never appeared in the stage play Wading for Godot.

Bob Simpson

Bobsimpson1947@yahoo.com

Nun Gives Birth To Baby Boy

Praying for Two

It’s a miracle and that’s
the story I'm sticking with.

Roxana Rodriguez, a Salvadorian nun in Italy, who said she had no idea she was pregnant, gave birth in January after she felt stomach cramps in her convent. Ouch. Stomach cramps in her convent. 

Information on the father’s name is pending until the new crop of seminary students can be questioned.
 
The very surprised nun mommy said, “I did not know I was pregnant. I only felt a stomach pain." She did, however, say this in Italian.     

A senior official from the church was quoted:  “We are not in the habit of knocking up nuns." 

The sister belongs to the "Little Disciples of Jesus" convent in Campomoro near Rieti, which manages an old people's home.

The newest Madonna said, “But I made up my mind, I’m keeping my baby. Ooh, I’m gonna keep my baby.” There goes the old people's home age 55 and over residency rule.   

Her fellow nuns were quoted as saying they were "very surprised." They did, however, also respond in Italian. 

Happens again February 2014:

 
Mandy Batchelor of Indiana, but not a nun, was rushed to a hospital with stomach pains. An emergency appendectomy was expected.
 
Instead, she gave birth to a baby boy that she had no idea was there.

The first clue came when Mandy’s water broke. After a brief review of a medical dictionary that showed no cases of water breaking with Appendicitis, the hospital staff delivered the baby.

The new mother said, "I didn't know I was pregnant." She said this in English. 

These two women felt no symptoms of pregnancy until they were about to give birth. We can only hope that they felt something when their babies were conceived.

Bob Simpson

Bobsimpson1947@yahoo.com

First Day at Trade School

My uncle works part-time
at the lantern factory
 ... just on wick ends.

Many Americans are considering new careers or just transitioning into abject poverty. The best selling book this year is Welfare for Dummies. 

These are the conversations heard throughout the USA on the first day of class in Trade, Technology, or Vocational schools.

See what students are saying in Embalming or Sky Diving class. The entrance applications are stringent: Your check must clear the bank before you can start class.

Notice the advertisements that pop up around this article. Are there some vocational schools advertised? I thought so. You can train to be an x-ray tactician or maybe just look like one.

Trade School Class. You and I will observe the first day in class. We’ll kneel beneath the window to record these precious first day comments emanating from our modern vocational universities.

Tech school students are a special breed. Some are just out of high school and some never finished. They are there because Mommy and Daddy can’t afford college costs or, more likely, their aging dependent was Gifted Challenged.

Adults also make up a section of the student body. Some have been laid off from work and some are just worried that they’re going to be laid off next. A few have quit before daily frustrations made them dispatch their manager. One or two have actually shot their bosses and have some time to kill before their trials starts.

Tech school students once included many spiritual adventurers in search of something meaningful for their essence to bathe in, seeking some sort of Epsom Salts Soak for the Soul. These early searchers have not been seen since the 1980’s when the seminars finally ended on finding yourself.

By the 1990’s everyone had found themselves and returned home to check on their marriages.

Now pay attention, you may get a quiz on this. Let’s get started on our field trip. The following are what you hear on the first day of class: 

Embalming School:  Hey, this guy is dead!

Massage Therapy School: No, No, No. We don’t ever touch there!

Knife Sharpening School: OW!

Academy for Hearing Impaired Cadets: WE CAN’T HEAR YOU.

Juggling School: I’m sorry but you’re in the wrong room. The accounting class is next door.

Travel Agency School: Is Canada a state?

Manicurist School: You in the back row. We don’t use our teeth to trim toenails.

Air Traffic Controller School: Don’t be so hard on yourself. Cessna’s don’t count.

Brick Wall Construction School: These instructions are just guidelines; nothing is set in stone.

Cigar Making School: Monica Lewinsky, we don’t need your kind in here.

Document Control School: Today our special surprise guest speaker is Oliver North.

Lab Mice Breeding School: Now where did I leave that Minnie Mouse centerfold?

Cooking School: Most of you wouldn’t be here, if you didn’t have a burning desire to cook.

Prisoner Interrogation School:  Please. No cameras, Mr. Cheney.

Sky Diving School: Please leave your book bags and back packs at home. We don’t want another mistake like that to ever happen again.

Thank you for your participation today. Please put your pencils down. This delightful blog is over.

Bob Simpson

Bobsimpson1947@yahoo.com

Oh for Heaven’s Snake

Psssst.
Hey you wanna go to Heaven?
 No? How about an apple?

The TV program Snake
Salvation is not returning for
a second season. One
of the stars died Saturday
of a poisonous snake bite.

Pentecostal preacher Jamie Coots’ venomous sidekick bit him right in the middle of his sermon. You know how painful that can be when a serpent strikes you right in your sermon.

The Kentuckian pastor Mr. Coots had been bitten nine times before. After the ninth time, you would think that he would have said something to the snake like, “I’ll see to it that you never work in Kentucky again.”

The show’s producer, National Geographic, said that they have no plans for a second season and commented, “Maybe Mr. Coots can now get a recurring role on The Walking Dead."

There were snake bite treatment centers already in the area, but Jamie Coots refused medical attention. The first Pentecostal tenet is “Snakes Don’t Kill. They Just Bite.”

According to a Bible passage there is a suggestion that those anointed by God will not be harmed by a poisonous snake bite. The Bible does not specifically address someone who has already been previously bitten nine times.

We do have one quote from a very high source. When Jamie Coots approached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter said, “Welcome to Heaven, Bonehead.”

Bob Simpson

Bobsimpson1947@yahoo.com

Twenty Clues to a Bad Hospital

Get her a room.
 She has insurance.

Your hospital room looks
nice and the hospital staff
is friendly, but wait …

Here are some clues that
will tell you that you have
a better chance of surviving in your own home:

1.  There are two Life Insurance Vending Machines on each floor.

2.  The best sellers in the Gift shop are the Condolence Cards.

3.  There is a least one doctor in the Emergency Room at all times.

4.  Access to the Bereavement Chapel is by reservation only.

5.  The hospital has a staff of 50 Chaplains.

6.  There is free coffee in the Meditation Classroom.

7.  The Emergency Room has regular business hours.

8.  The cafeteria has a special on Chocolate Pudding in a Bag.

9.  The pathology reports often come back as “Benign, but a bit salty.”

10. The hospital administrator is also the groundskeeper.

11. Frequently heard in the morgue, “Where the heck are we going to put another one?”

12. California hospital blood banks keep a special blood type for valley girls: “O for sure”

13. There is a drive-up window for Vasectomies.

14. The 24-Hour Free Shuttle enthusiastically whisks your recently departed loved one to the funeral home next door.

15. The self service mammogram vending machine in the lobby does not have privacy curtains.

16. The Hospital Fertility Clinic has a sperm bank with an outside night deposit box.

17. The urine sample jars look a lot like the cafeteria’s apple juice bottles.

18. The hospital support group for Recently Widowed Spouses has a waiting list.

19. The circumcision machine is manufactured by As Seen On TV.

20. The new burn treatment center now takes MasterCharred

Disclaimer: If I am admitted to a hospital and the hospital staff has read this blog, then let me say that these were just jokes. I didn’t really mean them. It was just a humorous look at a compassionate and care-giving industry. 

A final warning: I have health insurance and I am not afraid to use it.

Bob Simpson

Bobsimpson1947@yahoo.com

He Might Not Be a Vegetarian

Hey,

 you got any meat back there?

You are a woman pledged to a vegeta-rian

lifestyle. You even walk barefoot on grass, rather than pump across asphalt in leather high heels.

Even your life partner search contains stipulations that he must also embrace the gentle diet that is easy on the stomach, soul, and soil.

But, if you a male vegetarian wondering how to find vegetarian girls, then next time you are cuddling together at home, sipping hot cocoa, and discussing the Tonys, go ahead and ask your mother.

These hints will weed out the Carnivores from the Herbivores, the Hunters from the Gatherers, the Republicans from the Democrats, and the 10-30 weight Men from the coupon-clipping, sensitive bicycle Riders.  

Here are the 20 hints that he might not be a Vegetarian:

1.  He uses Beef flavored Dental Floss.

2.  He watches The Yearling and chuckles when the deer gets it.

3.  All the labels on the canned goods in his kitchen have been removed.

4.  There is a suspicious-looking, locked freezer out on the carport.

5.  He thinks Tofu was a mouse puppet on The Ed Sullivan Show.

6.  There are 3 barbecue grills in his back yard.

7.  He says that the gun rack in his pickup rear window is for his pool cues.

8.  He has a kennel of Beagles in the back yard.

9.  He uses the steak sauce to season baked potatoes.

10. He has a life-long magazine subscription to Meat.

Don't drool when the animals pass by.

11. He can't tuck his shirt in because his appendix is too big.

12. You both pass a meat market and the butcher waves at your date. 

13. He says the bucket of lard in his kitchen is for his skin. 

14. You ask him to poach you an egg and he says, “No way. I’m not gonna steal an egg for you.” 

15. Sonny’s Barbecue is #1 on his phone’s speed dial list.

16. He has a chronic case of Gout.

17. He asks you for the text abbreviation for baby back ribs.

18. He works up an appetite when he watches The Animal Planet Channel.

19. When he eats a vegetarian corn dog, he says, “So this is what meat tastes like.”

20. There is a poster hanging in his bedroom of a side of beef … wearing a teddy.

Bob Simpson

Bobsimpson1947@yahoo.com

My Funny Valentine Just Turned Ugly

Sometimes ...
Love Feels Like the Flu

Does anyone see that these
 two pieces would not fit together?

Valentine gift suggestions in the ladies magazines are harder to find than Lindsay Lohan's current mailing
address.

Subliminal gift hints are buried in the shiny multi-sheet tundra of full page ads with expressionless, hungry women alluding to vague and ambiguous products for sale.

These magazines, otherwise, lean toward thought-provoking prose of 37 secrets your man wants you to know about him and, apparently, at least one secret that he does not want you to know. It involves alone time and hand lotion. 

I am probably resentful because my wife spends $5.99 for each of her magazines, so there’s no money left for just one of my favorite inexpensive fact-filled woodworking magazines.

Take a break from the pressure of buying an inappropriate gift and having to apologize for your ineptness for the rest of your life. Relax and enjoy these 20 reasons why Valentines Day can turn ugly:

1. Your Valentine Day gift to your diabetic girlfriend was a joke glucose meter. 

2. You gave your girlfriend a book called You Don’t Have to Look as Old as You Are. 

3. She gave you a book called Learning to Cook for One.

4. The Valentine card from your wife includes a change of address form for one with your name already added.

5. The giant box of assorted gourmet chocolates still has the Dollar Store label.

6. She gave you 12 roses. You gave her an empty vase.

7. Your girlfriend hangs a Do Not Resuscitate sign on your hospital bed.

8. When you opened your Valentine card it said, “Whatever.”

9. The wife just joined a Singles Club.

10. You received a Valentine card with your name written on top of some dried Wite-Out.

11. The candy you gave your girlfriend is from Halloween … two years ago.

12. A case of dental floss is not a good Valentine gift unless your boyfriend currently wears the Corn On The Cob Eating World Championship Belt.

13. Her dog was sick so you bought her a pink ceramic doghouse cremation urn.

14. “But you said we weren’t going to get each other Valentine gifts this year.”

15. Her Valentine’s gift to you was a cup holder for your dirt bike. This one is not funny. I left it on the list so you would appreciate the good ones.

16. Your husband gave you a heart-shaped bathroom scale and a Weight Watchers membership.

17. You and your girlfriend were looking at engagement rings with a jeweler and then you used the term “lower price point.”

18. Your Valentine gift to her was a list of chores that you would do for her and she said, “That’s cute but really… where is my Valentine gift?”

19. You sent a Valentine card to your sweetheart again this year, signing off with the valediction of “Best Wishes.”

20. You gave a Lane Bryant gift certificate to your pregnant wife.

So, I hope that these helpful hints will get you through Valentines Day without one of those embarrassing restraining orders placed on you ... again.

Remember.

It is not the thought that counts.                                                                 It is the correct thought that counts.

Bob Simpson

Bobsimpson1947@yahoo.com