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Saturday, June 28, 2014

Old Dog Days or Why Lorne Greene Is Not an Icon Anymore

Yes, I was younger
than one of my sons.

Our dog is old. I don’t know how old. She was my wife’s dog before we were married, (my wife and I, not the dog). 


The dog came to live with us because she was one of those kinky “Love-me, Love-my-dog” types, (my wife, not the dog). 


She came from a place called Strays Arf Us, (the dog, not my wife).


Lately, Simba, (the dog, not my wife), has been barking every day at 4:17 AM. Evidently, that’s when a Pensacola aircraft en route to Miami at 40,000 feet passes within a hundred miles of our house.  


The call came at 5 AM yesterday from Air Traffic Control, “Excuse me, I apologize for calling so early, but we need your help. Our radar has gone down and we’ve lost contact with an aircraft out of Pensacola.

This is Pensacola Tower.
Sir, is your dog barking?


Sir, is Simba barking?”


The neighbors appreciate the 4:17 barking alarm. That’s a good little doggy for getting all the neighbors to wake up together and get a jump-start on their day.


My wife says Simba is 70. There is something out there in the ether and the Discovery channel called Dog Years. A Dog Year is equal to 7 years. 


There is a Dog Sun that rises and sets 7 times a day, but only canines and Hawaiian Tropics sun-tanning customers can see it.

Our aging Simba suffers from Barkinson’s Disease and Fleabitus. The Vet gave her painkillers for her Arfritis and something for anxiety.


The vet always gives me the same lecture, “The Valium was for the dog, not you.”

I didn’t have a snappy comeback because I kept falling asleep. But I woke right on up when the assistant asked, “Is the big one in here, for the neutering?”     

With all the medication, our mixed breed Simba is feeling mutt’s better. I feel better too, now that I have # 6377 programmed on my phone’s speed dial. That’s 911 in dog years.


Simba likes to watch the Lost Episodes of Lassie, but we don’t show her the final farewell show. Lassie limps into the farmhouse kitchen, circles her water bowl, shudders, then flops down and goes to sleep.
     

Timmy pets the quiet collie and yells, “Mom, I think Lassie’s trying to tell us something. Old man Jensen must have fallen down a well, or maybe the lady forest ranger has a ruptured ovarian cyst, or maybe the network execs got the ratings last night.”


Mom pulls Timmy away from Lassie, “Yes Timmy. I think you’re right. She really is trying to tell us something.”

“What Mom? What Mom?  What is she trying to say?”

“Well Timmy, I think Lassie’s trying to tell us that she’s dead.”

Now let’s talk about Lorne Greene. Remember Ben “Pa” Cartwright of Bonanza fame? He ran a large ranch for stray dogs called the Poundarosa. 


Mr. Greene was doing Alpo dog food-with-not-a-speck-of-cereal commercials when Hoss, his former TV son, died.

The plan was to sprinkle Hoss’s ashes over the “All-You-Can-Eat Buffet Museum” in Carson City. But times were tough for lovable, yet stern, patriarch Lorne Greene, who was left in charge of the cremation. 


To save money, he dragged his old friend to the dog food factory to have the cremation comped. Records have never been found to substantiate the actual cremation, but for several years, the Alpo cans sported a new label, with just a speck of Hydrogenated Oxygenated Synergistic Stuff, (H.O.S.S.).
 

Sadly, Ben Cartwright passed on at the age of 10.3; that’s 72 in Lorne Greene years.

So here’s the conversation on the way to school with the bright children that I am raising … as if they were my own … just because of a stupid DNA test:

“Pa … If Lorne Greene and his dog were on Mars, how long would they live?”

The answer: Lorne Greene would die in 7 seconds, having had a full 6 seconds to mourn for his dog that died after only one second. 


They both would have succumbed from a lack of proper vital ingredients that are missing in the average Martian environment; an atmosphere that contains Carbon Dioxide, a little Nitrogen, and not a speck of Oxygen.


Bob Simpson
Bobsimpsom1947@yahoo.com

Monday, May 19, 2014

M.E.R.S. Eat Oats and Does Eat Oats and Little Lambs Eat Ivy.

Careful,
I think she might be
 an undercover cop.

“Wear masks and gloves when handling camels due to MERS, Middle East Respiratory Syndrome.” So says the Saudi Arabia 
Minister of Health, in a
warning issued this morning.

 
MERS
is similar to MERIS, Middle East Respiratory Infatuation Syndrome. This is what happens when the sight of a beautiful camel takes a man’s breath away.
 
The Minister of Health further cautioned, “Watch out lads, it looks like you can catch this crap off a camel. Do not eat raw camel meat or drink un-boiled camel milk.”

Final Warning:

1. Remove the milk from the camel before boiling the milk.

2. Cool the boiled camel milk before drinking.

EHarmony.com and Match.com have removed all references and pictures of camels from their web sites. Since 98% of their business involved camels, MyMuslimLady.com has actually shut down.  

Both one-humped camels and two-humped camels can carry the MERS. A humped camel in Saudi Arabia has an entirely different meaning than in the United States.
 

Nice Set of Humps

More than 120 people have died from the recent outbreak of MERS. The health ministry has replaced the head of the King Fahd Hospital in Jeddah. A replaced head in Saudi Arabia has an entirely different meaning than in the United States.

In Iran, there have been several instances of radical insurgents mounting MERS-infected camels and charging US Army bases. A mounted camel in Saudi Arabia has the very same meaning in the United States.
 
Due to reinforced U.S. defense positions, there have been no successful sick camel related suicide attempts. The message from the US forces to the Insurgents seems to be, “72 virgins if you die or go home and snuggle with a camel with a good attitude. It’s your choice.”
 

All online date sites hope to add camels back into the repertoire, once this MERS scare is gone. A Middle East date is a fruit to be eaten, while in the good old USA, it means …
 

There are now several cases of MERS in the United States. Either the disease can now transmit from human to human or there are petting zoos located throughout America with camel sleeper cells.

Bob Simpson
Bobsimpson1947@yahoo.com

Sunday, March 23, 2014

World's Oldest Flamingo Dies

I hope Shrimp is on
the early bird menu.

The oldest flamingo in captivity died in Sydney, Australia in January. Even now, it's difficult to type or utter the words, "The old flamingo is dead," without choking up.

Greater, the Flamingo, died at age 83. He was euthanized due to to complications of old age. He even refused to drink his shrimp flavored can of Ensure.

Ok, Ok, he was actually dispatched in the kitchen of a Sidney Popeye’s Chicken franchise. “Try our Flamingo on the Barbie. We put the Flaming back in Flamingo. We, however, don't mean to imply anything negative or positive about the bird’s sexual orientation with our use of the word, Flaming.

Ironically, the former oldest living flamingo was once the world’s youngest flamingo in 1931, until his brother hatched two hours later.

Regarding the end of life decision, the Adelaide Zoo representative said, “Although this is an extremely sad loss for us all, it was the right thing to do. Greater is in a better place now … inside some bloke’s Popeye’s Chicken Take-Out Sack."

Trivia:

A dead flamingo is called a Flamingone.

Popeye’s Chicken is a subliminal message promoting the Catholic Church. POPE YES.

A Flamingo has never appeared in the stage play
Wading for Godot.

Bob Simpson
Bobsimpson1947@yahoo.com

Friday, March 7, 2014

Nun Gives Birth To Baby Boy

Praying for Two

It’s a miracle and that’s
the story I'm sticking with.


Roxana Rodriguez, a Salvadorian nun in Italy, who said she had no idea she was pregnant, gave birth in January after she felt stomach cramps in her convent. Ouch. Stomach cramps in her convent. 

Information on the father’s name is pending until the new crop of seminary students can be questioned.
 
The very surprised nun mommy said, “I did not know I was pregnant. I only felt a stomach pain." She did, however, say this in Italian.    
 

A senior official from the church was quoted:  “We are not in the habit of knocking up nuns."
 

The sister belongs to the "Little Disciples of Jesus" convent in Campomoro near Rieti, which manages an old people's home.

The newest Madonna said, “But I made up my mind, I’m keeping my baby. Ooh, I’m gonna keep my baby.” There goes the old people's home age 55 and over residency rule.  
 

Her fellow nuns were quoted as saying they were "very surprised." They did, however, also respond in Italian.
 

Happens again February 2014:
 
Mandy Batchelor of Indiana, but not a nun, was rushed to a hospital with stomach pains. An emergency appendectomy was expected.
 
Instead, she gave birth to a baby boy that she had no idea was there.

The first clue came when Mandy’s water broke. After a brief review of a medical dictionary that showed no cases of water breaking with Appendicitis, the hospital staff delivered the baby.


The new mother said, "I didn't know I was pregnant." She said this in English. 


These two women felt no symptoms of pregnancy until they were about to give birth. We can only hope that they felt something when their babies were conceived.


Bob Simpson

Bobsimpson1947@yahoo.com

Monday, February 17, 2014

First Day at Trade School

My uncle works part-time
at the lantern factory
 ... just on wick ends
.

Many Americans are considering new careers or just transitioning into abject poverty. The best selling book this year is Welfare for Dummies. 

These are the conversations heard throughout the USA on the first day of class in Trade, Technology, or Vocational schools.


See what students are saying in Embalming or Sky Diving class. The entrance applications are stringent: Your check must clear the bank before you can start class.


Notice the advertisements that pop up around this article. Are there some vocational schools advertised? I thought so. You can train to be an x-ray tactician or maybe just look like one.


Trade School Class. You and I will observe the first day in class. We’ll kneel beneath the window to record these precious first day comments emanating from our modern vocational universities.


Tech school students are a special breed. Some are just out of high school and some never finished. They are there because Mommy and Daddy can’t afford college costs or, more likely, their aging dependent was Gifted Challenged.


Adults also make up a section of the student body. Some have been laid off from work and some are just worried that they’re going to be laid off next. A few have quit before daily frustrations made them dispatch their manager. One or two have actually shot their bosses and have some time to kill before their trials starts.


Tech school students once included many spiritual adventurers in search of something meaningful for their essence to bathe in, seeking some sort of Epsom Salts Soak for the Soul. These early searchers have not been seen since the 1980’s when the seminars finally ended on finding yourself.


By the 1990’s everyone had found themselves and returned home to check on their marriages.


Now pay attention, you may get a quiz on this. Let’s get started on our field trip. The following are what you hear on the first day of class: 


Embalming School:  Hey, this guy is dead!


Massage
Therapy School
: No, No, No. We don’t ever touch there!


Knife Sharpening School: OW!


Academy for Hearing Impaired Cadets: WE CAN’T HEAR YOU.


Juggling School: I’m sorry but you’re in the wrong room. The accounting class is next door.


Travel
Agency School: Is Canada a state?


Manicurist
School
: You in the back row. We don’t use our teeth to trim toenails.


Air
Traffic Controller School
: Don’t be so hard on yourself. Cessna’s don’t count.


Brick
Wall Construction School
: These instructions are just guidelines; nothing is set in stone.


Cigar
Making School
: Monica Lewinsky, we don’t need your kind in here.


Document
Control School
: Today our special surprise guest speaker is Oliver North.


Lab
Mice Breeding School
: Now where did I leave that Minnie Mouse centerfold?


Cooking School: Most of you wouldn’t be here, if you didn’t have a burning desire to cook.


Prisoner
Interrogation School
:  Please. No cameras, Mr. Cheney.


Sky
Diving School
: Please leave your book bags and back packs at home. We don’t want another mistake like that to ever happen again.


Thank you for your participation today. Please put your pencils down. This delightful blog is over.


Bob Simpson

Bobsimpson1947@yahoo.com

Sunday, February 16, 2014

Oh for Heaven’s Snake

Psssst.
Hey you wanna go to Heaven?
 No? How about an apple?

The TV program Snake
Salvation
is not returning 
for
a second season. One
of the stars died Saturday
of a poisonous snake bite.


Pentecostal preacher Jamie Coots’ venomous sidekick bit him right in the middle of his sermon. You know how painful that can be when a serpent strikes you right in your sermon.

The Kentuckian pastor Mr. Coots had been bitten nine times before. After the ninth time, you would think that he would have said something to the snake like, “I’ll see to it that you never work in Kentucky again.”

The show’s producer, National Geographic, said that they have no plans for a second season and commented, “Maybe Mr. Coots can now get a recurring role on The Walking Dead."

There were snake bite treatment centers already in the area, but Jamie Coots refused medical attention. The first Pentecostal tenet is “Snakes Don’t Kill. They Just Bite.”

According to a Bible passage there is a suggestion that those anointed by God will not be harmed by a poisonous snake bite. The Bible does not specifically address someone who has already been previously bitten nine times.

We do have one quote from a very high source. When Jamie Coots approached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter said, “Welcome to Heaven, Bonehead.”

Bob Simpson

Bobsimpson1947@yahoo.com

Monday, February 10, 2014

Twenty Clues to a Bad Hospital

Get her a room.
 She has insurance.

Your hospital room looks
nice and the hospital staff
is friendly, but wait …

Here are some clues that
will tell you that you have
a better chance of surviving in your own home:


1.  There are two Life Insurance Vending Machines on each floor.


2.  The best sellers in the Gift shop are the Condolence Cards.


3.  There is a least one doctor in the Emergency Room at all times.


4.  Access to the Bereavement Chapel is by reservation only.


5.  The hospital has a staff of 50 Chaplains.


6.  There is free coffee in the Meditation Classroom.


7.  The Emergency Room has regular business hours.


8.  The cafeteria has a special on Chocolate Pudding in a Bag.


9.  The pathology reports often come back as “Benign, but a bit salty.”


10. The hospital administrator is also the groundskeeper.


11. Frequently heard in the morgue, “Where the heck are we going to put another one?”


12. California hospital blood banks keep a special blood type for valley girls: “O for sure”


13. There is a drive-up window for Vasectomies.


14. The 24-Hour Free Shuttle enthusiastically whisks your recently departed loved one to the funeral home next door.


15. The self service mammogram vending machine in the lobby does not have privacy curtains.


16. The Hospital Fertility Clinic has a sperm bank with an outside night deposit box.


17. The urine sample jars look a lot like the cafeteria’s apple juice bottles.


18. The hospital support group for Recently Widowed Spouses has a waiting list.


19. The circumcision machine is manufactured by As Seen On TV.


20. The new burn treatment center now takes MasterCharred


Disclaimer: If I am admitted to a hospital and the hospital staff has read this blog, then let me say that these were just jokes. I didn’t really mean them. It was just a humorous look at a compassionate and care-giving industry. 


A final warning: I have health insurance and I am not afraid to use it.


Bob Simpson

Bobsimpson1947@yahoo.com