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Thursday, August 27, 2015

Sorry Humanity, I’m trying to quit …

The First Fist Bump Attempt

Throughout the Old Testament, God has always been characterized as a vengeful, wrathful, mercurial God. He is the one that commanded Abraham to kill his own son and then changed his mind. God laughed about that for a 1,000 years. ”You should have seen Abraham’s face. What a chump.”

Recent discovery of a lost scroll shows the reason that God was such a bastard during these times. He was real mean and ornery because he was trying to quit Smoting.

The Devil was still living at home in Heaven at the time. The falling out came later when Beelzebub borrowed God’s fiery chariot without asking and totaled it in a remote area of what is now Russia.

Old Scratch offered to hypnotize the Lord. “You are getting sleepy. You no longer feel the need to smite people, Willy Nilly.” Willy Nilly was a prototype of the first man. He was given free will and then God took it back. Hypnotism didn’t work because of that omnipotent thing that was going on.

Once the Lord got a handle on the smiting obsessions, he became a gentler God and was less likely to drop cascades of bloody toads on us poor folks down below. You should have seen how mad God became when he found out that his people were gathering the bloody toads and hickory smoking the little fellers. 

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Bob Simpson