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Monday, February 17, 2014

First Day at Trade School

My uncle works part-time
at the lantern factory
 ... just on wick ends
.

Many Americans are considering new careers or just transitioning into abject poverty. The best selling book this year is Welfare for Dummies. 

These are the conversations heard throughout the USA on the first day of class in Trade, Technology, or Vocational schools.


See what students are saying in Embalming or Sky Diving class. The entrance applications are stringent: Your check must clear the bank before you can start class.


Notice the advertisements that pop up around this article. Are there some vocational schools advertised? I thought so. You can train to be an x-ray tactician or maybe just look like one.


Trade School Class. You and I will observe the first day in class. We’ll kneel beneath the window to record these precious first day comments emanating from our modern vocational universities.


Tech school students are a special breed. Some are just out of high school and some never finished. They are there because Mommy and Daddy can’t afford college costs or, more likely, their aging dependent was Gifted Challenged.


Adults also make up a section of the student body. Some have been laid off from work and some are just worried that they’re going to be laid off next. A few have quit before daily frustrations made them dispatch their manager. One or two have actually shot their bosses and have some time to kill before their trials starts.


Tech school students once included many spiritual adventurers in search of something meaningful for their essence to bathe in, seeking some sort of Epsom Salts Soak for the Soul. These early searchers have not been seen since the 1980’s when the seminars finally ended on finding yourself.


By the 1990’s everyone had found themselves and returned home to check on their marriages.


Now pay attention, you may get a quiz on this. Let’s get started on our field trip. The following are what you hear on the first day of class: 


Embalming School:  Hey, this guy is dead!


Massage
Therapy School
: No, No, No. We don’t ever touch there!


Knife Sharpening School: OW!


Academy for Hearing Impaired Cadets: WE CAN’T HEAR YOU.


Juggling School: I’m sorry but you’re in the wrong room. The accounting class is next door.


Travel
Agency School: Is Canada a state?


Manicurist
School
: You in the back row. We don’t use our teeth to trim toenails.


Air
Traffic Controller School
: Don’t be so hard on yourself. Cessna’s don’t count.


Brick
Wall Construction School
: These instructions are just guidelines; nothing is set in stone.


Cigar
Making School
: Monica Lewinsky, we don’t need your kind in here.


Document
Control School
: Today our special surprise guest speaker is Oliver North.


Lab
Mice Breeding School
: Now where did I leave that Minnie Mouse centerfold?


Cooking School: Most of you wouldn’t be here, if you didn’t have a burning desire to cook.


Prisoner
Interrogation School
:  Please. No cameras, Mr. Cheney.


Sky
Diving School
: Please leave your book bags and back packs at home. We don’t want another mistake like that to ever happen again.


Thank you for your participation today. Please put your pencils down. This delightful blog is over.


See author's nationally award winning weekly newspaper humor column


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Sunday, February 16, 2014

Oh for Heaven’s Snake

Psssst.
Hey you wanna go to Heaven?
 No? How about an apple?

The TV program Snake
Salvation
is not returning 
for
a second season. One
of the stars died Saturday
of a poisonous snake bite.


Pentecostal preacher Jamie Coots’ venomous sidekick bit him right in the middle of his sermon. You know how painful that can be when a serpent strikes you right in your sermon.

The Kentuckian pastor Mr. Coots had been bitten nine times before. After the ninth time, you would think that he would have said something to the snake like, “I’ll see to it that you never work in Kentucky again.”

The show’s producer, National Geographic, said that they have no plans for a second season and commented, “Maybe Mr. Coots can now get a recurring role on The Walking Dead."

There were snake bite treatment centers already in the area, but Jamie Coots refused medical attention. The first Pentecostal tenet is “Snakes Don’t Kill. They Just Bite.”

According to a Bible passage there is a suggestion that those anointed by God will not be harmed by a poisonous snake bite. The Bible does not specifically address someone who has already been previously bitten nine times.

We do have one quote from a very high source. When Jamie Coots approached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter said, “Welcome to Heaven, Bonehead.”


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weekly newspaper humor column

Monday, February 10, 2014

Twenty Clues to a Bad Hospital

Get her a room.
 She has insurance.

Your hospital room looks
nice and the hospital staff
is friendly, but wait …

Here are some clues that
will tell you that you have
a better chance of surviving in your own home:


1.  There are two Life Insurance Vending Machines on each floor.


2.  The best sellers in the Gift shop are the Condolence Cards.


3.  There is a least one doctor in the Emergency Room at all times.


4.  Access to the Bereavement Chapel is by reservation only.


5.  The hospital has a staff of 50 Chaplains.


6.  There is free coffee in the Meditation Classroom.


7.  The Emergency Room has regular business hours.


8.  The cafeteria has a special on Chocolate Pudding in a Bag.


9.  The pathology reports often come back as “Benign, but a bit salty.”


10. The hospital administrator is also the groundskeeper.


11. Frequently heard in the morgue, “Where the heck are we going to put another one?”


12. California hospital blood banks keep a special blood type for valley girls: “O for sure”


13. There is a drive-up window for Vasectomies.


14. The 24-Hour Free Shuttle enthusiastically whisks your recently departed loved one to the funeral home next door.


15. The self service mammogram vending machine in the lobby does not have privacy curtains.


16. The Hospital Fertility Clinic has a sperm bank with an outside night deposit box.


17. The urine sample jars look a lot like the cafeteria’s apple juice bottles.


18. The hospital support group for Recently Widowed Spouses has a waiting list.


19. The circumcision machine is manufactured by As Seen On TV.


20. The new burn treatment center now takes MasterCharred


Disclaimer: If I am admitted to a hospital and the hospital staff have read this blog, then let me say that these were just jokes. I didn’t really mean them. It was just a humorous look at a compassionate and care-giving industry. 


A final warning: I have health insurance and I am not afraid to use it.


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weekly newspaper humor column

Saturday, February 1, 2014

He Might Not Be a Vegetarian

Hey,

 you got any meat back there?

You are a woman committed to a vegetarian lifestyle. You even walk barefoot on grass, rather than pump across asphalt in leather high heels.

Even your life partner search contains stipulations that he must also embrace the gentle diet that is easy on the stomach, soul, and soil.


But, if you a male vegetarian wondering how to find vegetarian girls, then next time you are cuddling together at home, sipping hot cocoa, and discussing the Tonys, go ahead and ask your mother.


These hints will weed out the Carnivores from the Herbivores, the Hunters from the Gatherers, the Republicans from the Democrats, and the 10-30 weight Men from the coupon-clipping, sensitive bicycle Riders.  


Here are the 20 hints that he might not be a Vegetarian:


1.  He uses Beef flavored Dental Floss.


2.  He watches The Yearling and chuckles when the deer gets it.


3.  All the labels on the canned goods in his kitchen have been removed.


4.  There is a suspicious-looking, locked freezer out on the carport.


5.  He thinks Tofu was a mouse puppet on The Ed Sullivan Show.


6.  There are 3 barbecue grills in his back yard.


7.  He says that the gun rack in his pickup rear window is for his pool cues.


8.  He has a kennel of Beagles in the back yard.


9.  He uses the steak sauce to season baked potatoes.


10. He has a life-long magazine subscription to Meat.

Don't drool when the animals pass by.

11. He can't tuck his shirt in because his appendix is too big.


12. You both pass a meat market and the butcher waves at your date.
 

13. He says the bucket of lard in his kitchen is for his skin.
 

14. You ask him to poach you an egg and he says, “No way. I’m not gonna steal an egg for you.”
 

15. Sonny’s Barbecue is #1 on his phone’s speed dial list.


16. He has a chronic case of Gout.


17. He asks you for the text abbreviation for baby back ribs.


18. He works up an appetite when he watches The Animal Planet Channel.


19. When he eats a vegetarian corn dog, he says, “So this is what meat tastes like.”


20. There is a poster hanging in his bedroom of a side of beef … wearing a teddy.


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weekly newspaper humor column