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Sunday, March 23, 2014

World's Oldest Flamingo Dies

I hope Shrimp is on
the early bird menu.

The oldest flamingo in captivity died in Sydney, Australia in January. Even now, it's difficult to type or utter the words, "The old flamingo is dead," without choking up.

Greater, the Flamingo, died at age 83. He was euthanized due to to complications of old age. He even refused to drink his shrimp flavored can of Ensure.

Ok, Ok, he was actually dispatched in the kitchen of a Sidney Popeye’s Chicken franchise. “Try our Flamingo on the Barbie. We put the Flaming back in Flamingo. We, however, don't mean to imply anything negative or positive about the bird’s sexual orientation with our use of the word, Flaming.

Ironically, the former oldest living flamingo was once the world’s youngest flamingo in 1931, until his brother hatched two hours later.

Regarding the end of life decision, the Adelaide Zoo representative said, “Although this is an extremely sad loss for us all, it was the right thing to do. Greater is in a better place now … inside some bloke’s Popeye’s Chicken Take-Out Sack."

Trivia:

A dead flamingo is called a Flamingone.

Popeye’s Chicken is a subliminal message promoting the Catholic Church. POPE YES.

A Flamingo has never appeared in the stage play
Wading for Godot.


See author's nationally award winning weekly newspaper humor column


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Friday, March 7, 2014

Nun Gives Birth To Baby Boy

Praying for Two

It’s a miracle and that’s
the story I'm sticking with.


Roxana Rodriguez, a Salvadorian nun in Italy, who said she had no idea she was pregnant, gave birth in January after she felt stomach cramps in her convent. Ouch. Stomach cramps in her convent. 

Information on the father’s name is pending until the new crop of seminary students can be questioned.
 
The very surprised nun mommy said, “I did not know I was pregnant. I only felt a stomach pain." She did, however, say this in Italian.    
 

A senior official from the church was quoted:  “We are not in the habit of knocking up nuns."
 

The sister belongs to the "Little Disciples of Jesus" convent in Campomoro near Rieti, which manages an old people's home.

The newest Madonna said, “But I made up my mind, I’m keeping my baby. Ooh, I’m gonna keep my baby.” There goes the old people's home age 55 and over residency rule.  
 

Her fellow nuns were quoted as saying they were "very surprised." They did, however, also respond in Italian.
 

Happens again February 2014:
 
Mandy Batchelor of Indiana, but not a nun, was rushed to a hospital with stomach pains. An emergency appendectomy was expected.
 
Instead, she gave birth to a baby boy that she had no idea was there.

The first clue came when Mandy’s water broke. After a brief review of a medical dictionary that showed no cases of water breaking with Appendicitis, the hospital staff delivered the baby.


The new mother said, "I didn't know I was pregnant." She said this in English. 


These two women felt no symptoms of pregnancy until they were about to give birth. We can only hope that they felt something when their babies were conceived.


See author's nationally award winning weekly newspaper humor column

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