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Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Taurus the Bull

April 21 to May 21

You'd be mad too if someone
boxing gloves over you hooves.

Taurus.  Patient, warmhearted, and resolute. You enjoy waiting determinedly in the 75-items-or-less checkout lane, under the banner reading, “If we notice more than 25 people waiting in any one line, we will open another register.”

However, you can be jealous, resentful, and inflexible. Lord help the person in front of you with 76 items. You will count the items in that person’s cart, even magnanimously acknowledging that a carton of eggs is really one item and not twelve. But the last time the number reached 76 or higher on the repeat count, you started dropping items from the offending cart onto the polished supermarket floor.

To your credit, when the security camera tapes are reviewed, you are smiling warmly … as the bottled baby formula and Children’s Cold medicine break onto the tile.

Taureans are frightened of falling into debt and they are extremely faithful in their relationships. The ever-true Taurus will not stray from a poverty stricken marriage unless she meets a good looking CPA specializing in debt relief.

Your star stone is the Emerald, used in rituals to stop bleeding and just as effective as a piece of gauze.

The Wizard of OZ Munchkins were actually tiny Taurus hemophiliacs trying to get to the Emerald City before they bled to death. Remember the rousing refrain, “We’re off to see the Wizard, the Wonderful Wizard of Gauze ... Be Gauze, Be Gauze, Be Gauze, Be Gauze, Be Gauze … Be Gauze of the wonderful things he does.”

Originally, a pasty little Munchkin accompanied Dorothy and the boys down the yellow brick road. Sadly, the director cut the Munchkin and his songs from the movie. The director said it was just too heart-wrenching to watch the little anemic hemophiliac belt out, “If I only had a Clot.”

The ruling planet is Venus, your color is pink, and your metal is Copper. Your favorite daydream is of Venus Williams in a pink tennis outfit, cooking up a mess of bacon in a copper frying pan. This daydream works for both men and women.

The favorite car of this sign is the Ford Taurus. Remember retired Florida State Seminoles football coach Bobby Bowden’s famous Ford TV commercial: “I lack (like) Taurus.” He said this one time to the camera and drove home with a trunk load of money in his new free Ford Taurus. Bobby Bowden’s astrology sign should be the $$eminole.

The Taurus sign is congruent with Virgo. Taurean Kirsten Dunst of Spiderman fame would be compatible with Virgo basketball star and past Family Man of the Year, Kobe Bryant.

Mr. Bryant said, “I would like to court her. You know, if I wasn't married or anything like that. But Kirsten probably wouldn't go out with me. It would be a long shot, certainly not a slam Dunst.”

Remember. You are a Star. Even if it’s a Fallen-and-Can’t Get-Up Star.

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