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Wednesday, November 27, 2013

25 Warnings That You Are Getting Older

Family album of your Father and Mother and Pets

There were a few more things I was going to say before I gave you this list of 25 warnings that you are getting, but I forgot them.

I know 
that is a tired old joke, but sometimes a tired old joke is what I feel like.

I have a notion that some of my worthy forgotten sentences were quite clever and pithy, enough so that many of the more intelligent readers would have remarked, “Say, I thought that old Mark Twain was dead, but here he is a telling us just how it is again. Maybe some sleepy air-traffic controller re-routed Halley’s Comet past the earth this morning just to give us one more classic bit of read.”

When I try to remember what I forgot, I lean toward a facade of braggadocio, planked with unrestrained hyperbole. It’s a much evolved form of masking. If those lost thoughts come back to me, I will be sure to add them in later and since all of you are getting older too, you might not remember any of this anyway.

So adjust your Craftmatic adjustable bed to
READING position and enjoy these 25 warnings that you are getting older:

1. You take your shoes off near a chair so you can sit down when you put them back on again.

2. You have Arthritis and the name BENGAY doesn’t make you laugh anymore.

3. Your robe fell open and blinded the dog.

4. You remembered to feed the cat this morning … but you don’t have a cat.

5. You like baby showers because it means that there are new taxpayers coming on line to help pay for your Social Security benefit.

6. You get your daily aerobic workout at night while hustling to the bathroom.

7. When did potato chips get so hard on the mouth?

8. Has anybody seen my uh, hmm, lets see now, where was I when I. Now, what was I looking for?

9. The strained peas seemed awful spicy tonight.

10. That Pat Sajak and Vanna White make a cute couple don’t they?

11. I can’t get this pudding cup open.

12. I am going to sit and face west today.

13. I woke up late and had already slept through my morning nap.

14. I remember when milk was $3.75 a gallon, like it was yesterday.

15. Why are all these girl scouts singing in my room?

16. I need a flashlight at night to know when I stop peeing.

17. Why was my only grandson fluffing my pillow late last night over my mouth and nose?

18. You are too old to join AARP.

19. Start the Winnebago and point me south.

20. Your birth certificate is written on Papyrus.

21. The secret to living to 100 is to not let your children know how rich you are.

22. Nobody wants to sing Stephen Foster songs with you.

23. After you die, your hardened toenails will be donated to NASA to use as re-entry heat shields.

24. You like to do housework while listening to a good old fashioned John Phillip Souza march.

25. You liked the Bible better before that old meddling King James got a hold of it.

Monday, November 25, 2013

Miley Cyrus Thanksgiving Dinner: Twerky and Un-Dressing

Late Breaking News

Twerky and Un-Dressing

On Thanksgiving Day, Miley Cyrus will be sitting down to some Twerky and Un-Dressing. Her entire family will be there, including her Daddy, Billy Gravy Cyrus.

Miley, however, will not be ingesting any mashed taters or biscuits because she is on a Low-Garb diet.

Saturday, November 23, 2013

Lions Kill Lioness.

Your birthday was 5 days ago. Take off the stupid hat
 or I'll give you one upside of your head

Recently, two male lions killed their lady friend in a Dallas zoo. They bit her neck and that was that. The zoo is investigating.

Often alcohol is involved in violence, but zookeepers say that the alcohol screen came back negative. Additional tests showed no evidence of recreational drugs. Even the Catnip test was negative.

Zookeeper spokesman Andy Seffner said, “I've never seen anything like this happen before. I’m kinda sorry I missed it. It sounds neat."

Jo-Jo was a loving mother and a respected member in the lion family. She recently celebrated her fifth birthday with a frozen cake … in her cage.

We all know, from watching the Animal Planet cable channel, just how thrilling it must be for real lions on the real Serengeti plains to stalk and run down a real frozen cake.

A thorough search of the cage found an unknown meat. The beasts were probably fighting over that fresh flesh. Antelope may have been involved in the violence.

Another theory on the assault is that the male lions have been watching reruns of Barbara Walters’s interview with Sean Connery.

Both offending lions have subsequently apologized and have swallowed their pride.

Monday, November 18, 2013

Cremation Warning Tips

Uncle Benny was cremated.
A Benny Saved is a Benny Urned

Discussing Cremation is a sensitive subject, especially if you are lying in a hospital bed with loved ones gathered, bickering over who gets to pull the plug. 

If you are grieving or dying, there are many avenues to get help for your pain and sorrow. There are also some streets and boulevards. 

Perhaps you can return to this article at a more appropriate time in your life to reflect on this humorous, yet sensitive, review of Cremation Services.

For the rest of you who are momentarily in between tragedies, read on. Here is the list of Cremation Warning Tips:

1. “I want to cremate my wife. Is that possible?”

“Yes, but Sir. She has to be dead first." 

2. Why does the Cremation Service share the same lobby and receptionist with the Tanning Salon?

3. The Ashes Scattered at Sea service is included in the price. There is an additional service charge for Ashes Scattered over Halle Berry.

4. A Cremation Services sign should not include “Always Preheated. We’re ready when you are.”

5. Cremation caskets can range from a cardboard container to a hardwood casket. Styrofoam boxes, however, are no longer available.

6. You can bring your own urn, but remember that Tupperware is “so yesterday."

7. It is in bad taste to include the telephone number and business hours of the Cremation Service on the Urn.

8. Only a small percentage of funeral homes have cremation units. Beware of the ones that have industrial crock pot facilities,

9. After the ashes have been scattered, please do not use the urn for next summer’s picnic potato salad container.

10. Cremation is not a substitution for a funeral and neither is a new chest freezer in the basement.

11. You can have the memorial service before or after the cremation, just as long as your check has cleared the bank. We also take MasterCharred.

12. You can view Grandpa’s cremation process but leave the marshmallows and sticks at home.

13. It is essential to remove pacemakers and other medical devices prior to cremation. Middle East cremation operators also need to check for unexploded vests.

14. Recent laws now make it illegal to use cremated remains as a gravy thickener. 

15. How hot does the oven get? Hot enough to dispatch the entire cast of The Biggest Losers in two hours,

16. What happens during the cremation process? “Well Sir, we usually start the body and then break for lunch.”

17. The Cremation Society on Rodeo Drive offers a Gucci Ashes Tote for your recently departed Shopped-Till-She-Dropped-Friend.

18. When picking up your loved one’s ashes, the clerk should not ask, “Paper or plastic?”

19. Solar Powered Cremation is still an unproven lengthy process ... and very smelly.

20. Avoid the facility located on the Andreas Fault called “Shake and Bake"

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Who Does Not Love Ya, Baby?

Nobody Loves Me.
John Wilkes Booth

Your brother told you that Dad loved him better and you said, “We had a Dad?” 

The druggist sells you some birth control pills but says, “Why don’t you give these to someone who actually needs them?” This is the harsh reality of no love.

We only need 5 things to survive: Air, water, food, shelter, and a working TV remote control. That's really 6 things, if you count the television too.

I don’t like where this is going, but you get the picture: Love is not on the short list.

I'm not against love. Some of my best friends are in love, but then some of my worst enemies are also in love. On rare occasions, one of my best friends will fall in love with one of my worst enemies. Love is an equal opportunity affliction.

Unrequited love is responsible for huge sales in the Country Music industry. The more folks are unhappy, then the more tunes are going to be purchased and listened to. We can get this country back on the road to recovery if we can generate enough heartache out there.

So don’t ask what Country Music can do for you. Ask who you can break up with to help Country Music. Dump someone tonight, preferably before they dump you. It’s the patriotic thing to do.

Put on some Hank Williams, open up a six-pack, and reflect on these top 26 signs that nobody loves you:

1. Your mother blocks you from her Facebook account.

2. Co-workers keep sending your resume to North Korea.

3. You can only speak to your adult children through their attorney.

4. You caught your mail carrier smashing your mail box with a baseball bat.

5. The Salvation Army will not pick up OR deliver to your house.

6. The highway patrol waved you right on through to the washed-out bridge.

7. The flight attendant just tossed your carry-on luggage on the wing.

8. When you sunbathe in the back yard, vultures start gagging.

9. When you answer the door bell, the Jehovah Witness flips you off.

10. Your dentist tells you it’s really not necessary to see him every year.

11. You are fabulously wealthy but the 30-years-your-junior-dance instructor will still not commit to you.

12. “What do you take?” asks the tailor, “About a 42 long in a Shroud?”

13. Your wife keeps introducing you as “my late husband.”

14. Radio Shack does not ask for your address anymore.

15. Your dog wants a longer leash so nobody will see you walking with him.

16. Your roommate has been using your electric toothbrush in a romantic way.

17. Weight Watchers gives you a coupon for Jenny Craig.

18. The bus driver won’t accept your exact change.

19. The Army recruiter says, “Sorry young fella, but we’re all full up.”

20. McDonald’s gives you back a dollar if you get-it-to-go.

21. Your dentist says “Novocain is for babies.”

22. Your boss walks by and says, “Are you still here?"

23. Your daddy only plays catch with the little boy next door.

24. You have to wear hand-me-downs from your older brother, even though you are his sister.

25. You are a 14-year-old girl and no one wants to chat with you on-line.

26. You were driving through Florida in 1990 and Aileen Wuornos would not get in your truck. This is really funny, but you might have to look it up. 

Thursday, November 14, 2013

25 Signs That You Need a New Doctor

We will dance for your co-pay.

Is your confidence in your current care provider waning as you shiver in the tiny paper gown while trying to keep everything important and unimportant from flopping out?

Does your family think that you have the most interesting health-care tales to share? Does your favorite appliance store toss in a free Life-Time Warranty?

Did the census taker forget to say, “I’ll see you again in ten years?” Are you getting more junk mail from funeral homes?

If you don’t want to become the next ironic death statistic, then take these warning signs to heart, or to stomach, or to wherever it hurts … and look for another doctor:

1. The Discount Vasectomy Surgeon’s business card has a picture of a weed eater.

2. The diet advice is to wear skimpy clothes and go on a low Garb diet.

3. The blood pressure cuff has repair patches on it.

4. Santa Claus has a summer home at the South Pole, so your psychiatrist thinks that St. Nick has a Bipolar Disorder.

5. “I can’t say how much time you have left but you probably don’t need to take anything out of the freezer for tomorrow.”

6. Your cardiologist’s favorite blues song is “Waiting in the Transplant Line.”

7. The Ophthalmologist uses high pressure tactics to urge you to have Glaucoma treatment.

8. Your doctor asks, “Are you allergic to Eye of the Newt?”

9. There are free jelly doughnuts in the Endocrinologist’s waiting room.

10. The reserved parking space for your doctor has an old pick up truck with a freezer full of Shrimp for Sale.

11. Your colonoscopy operator needs a running start.

12. The magazine cover in the waiting room is announcing the new drug Penicillin.

13. Does the drug company salesman walk in wearing overalls?

14. Is there a line of protestors out front on the sidewalk?

15. “Bored of Being Certified” is not the same as “Board Certified.”

16. Doctor’s first words on your initial consultation are, “Now where were we?”

17. Your doctor says, “I would like to run a PSA test on you, Mrs. Evans.”

18. The autoclave smells like a baked sweet potato.

19. The office will take food stamps for your co-payment.

20. You want to get a second opinion so your doctor gives you the phone number for a funeral home.

21. Is there an ATM in the waiting room?

22. Does the thermometer taste like denture cream?

23. Why does your Dermatologist want to know your next of skin?

24. Your Oncologist giggles when your cancer comes back.

25. The FBI is taking boxes of files out of the doctor’s office.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Virgo the Virgin

August 23 to September 23

Virgo, modest and meticuous Virgoans are also fastidious and perfectionistic.

Perfectionistic is not a real word and the first person to point that out will be a Virgo.

Virgo is the lone female of the twelve signs, although there has been some talk about Scorpio. Virgos are emotionally cold but they make wonderful refrigerator sales people, sometimes even evolving into appliances. Remember Virgo NFL star, William Refrigerator Perry?

These late summer babes usually conceal their emotions. Still waters run deep or if you prefer, deep bottoms run high.

Virgos prefer technical perfection rather than passionate expression. Their romance takes place in bright light, but only because it is easier to read the instruction manual when the lights are on.

Virgo types are detail oriented but may become so finicky that they disregard larger issues. A Virgo crossing a rush-hour street may focus on the exquisite detailed grill work of an old Bentley as it hurtles toward them in the crosswalk.

Virgo folks appreciate different points of view, simultaneously. What if Rene Descartes had been a Virgo? “I think, therefore I am; but of course, that’s just my opinion. I can see where others could honestly disagree, so maybe it should be: I think that others also think, therefore, I am a Virgo.”

Are you Virgos vexed yet that we haven’t noted any positive traits? You continue to read, however, only because you’re still trying to find grammatical errors. There are plenty of mistakes in my readings, but only a Virgo will find every one of them, and then cross-reference them by grammar, style, and paragraph number.

Yet, I haven’t found anything good to say about this sign and now you Virgos are starting to make me sick. What a bunch of persnickety, time-wasting, wish-washy people you are.

What can I say? It’s not my fault that your parents started getting amorous in the January before you were born. Did you expect them to defer their love until October, just so you could be born into the perfect sign of Gemini?

But then again, isn’t that just like a Virgo, trying to manipulate events, even before you were born? Shame on you. Bad Virgo.

At least Virgos make good followers. Take a look behind you. A Virgo will probably wave back at you. Just a flock of sheep really. If a Virgo Sheep leader stopped breathing, would the whole flock gasp too? That would be something to see: Sheep Apnea.

A warning to Virgos. Don’t bring up your health concerns in conversation. Friends are not interested in your new colon cleanser and they don’t care how fast it works either.

Virgo colors are green and dark brown, the shades of nature. Many’s the time a young viral Virgo and his Scorpio mate have strolled through a verdant lush forest, only to step in something dark brown.

A Toll Collector position might be a good career move. Virgos tend to have superficial relationships so you might enjoy 4,500 short-term exchanges a day. Religion of choice is not a problem because Toll Collectors work with all denominations.

Virgos feel the struggle for success is always a sheer cliff that you can never surmount. Your mate will still want you to remove your steel-spiked Sherpa Guide mountain boots before you get into bed.

Your astral stone is Sardonyx. Again, another disappointment. It’s not even a real gem, just some quartz with sand infiltration.

A Virgo is most compatible with a Scorpio. Virgo Regis Philbin and Scorpio Jamie Lee Curtis were an item during the second year of “Who wants to be a millionaire?” Jamie was also dating race car driver Bobby Unser at the same time. Regis forgave her.

Then she pursued Al Unser, Bobby’s younger brother. Jamie called it off and Regis forgave her again. It ended when Regis spotted Ms. Curtis with Al Unser, Jr. at the Dale Earnhardt Memorial All You Can Eat Before You Die Buffet.

Try the desert Cherry Pit Crew Pie. Consume all the pie that you can stuff in your mouth in 20 seconds. Red cherry pie filling, flung during a brief pie eating frenzy reminds us all as it drips down the Ol Number 3 Memorial brick wall: We are all here for just a few laps around the track, a finite number of trips to the buffet table.

Al Unser, Jr. was sporting Jamie Lee Curtis on his right arm as they were leaving the buffet. Jamie was nursing a toothpick chipped from the finest Southern Pine, leveraging some roughage out of her Hollywood bridge work. Regis Philbin approached to ask her something.

But Jamie Lee Curtis could not or would not reply to Regis Philbin's question, which was, “Is that your final Unser?”

Remember. You are a Star, even if it is a Fallen-And-Can’t-Get-Up Star.

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See author's nationally award winning weekly newspaper humor column    

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Homeowner Tips

Be careful. I think some
Stoners live down there.

There are more than a hundred disclaimers or warnings when you purchase a house. Please consult an attorney before you sign off on that sinkhole waiver for your new home in Sunken Acres.

The warning you will never receive is that there is unbridled competition lying just below the lush Saint Augustine grassed lawns along your new boulevard.

Mowing the lawn is similar to nuclear fusion. Mow your lawn; neighbors will immediately begin mowing their own lawns. Wash your car and all the other cars on the block are suddenly wet and soapy.

Prove my point. Buy an airboat and park it in your carport. Next week your neighbor will have an airboat in his carport and the propeller will be larger than your little prop.

You must join the homeowner’s association. This organization formalizes the Yard of the Month, the Best Halloween decorated yard, and the best Christmas Lights Display competition.

Somehow, you will survive all the subtle competition until that one morning when you put the house on the market. That is the day after you discovered that all the neighborhood wives have breast implants.

You are a single male homeowner who revels in the hunt, the quest, the competition, but you must either move out of the neighborhood or start shopping for a plastic surgeon and a bra.

Here are some tips for the new home owner:

1. Beware of any interior decorator who claims to have a black belt in Feng-Shui.

2. A painted Styrofoam barbecue pit will still impress the next-door neighbors, until you can afford a real brick one.

3. A mailbox painted to look like a doll house is cute. Painting your new home to resemble a massive mailbox is not cute.

4. Your property value is indirectly proportional to the number of aluminum lawn chairs sitting in your carport.

5. Don’t use the public utilities transformer in the front yard as a picnic warming tray.

6. If the roof leaks, you can always find good cheap help at Shingles Club.

7. You can consider killing crab grass and chinch bugs as an official summer sport.

8. There shouldn’t be any left-over fan blades after you install a ceiling fan.

9. If you want to win “Yard of the Month”, don’t store an airboat in the front yard.

10. Parking more than 3 skateboard ramps in your driveway is just showing off.

Friday, November 8, 2013

Why the Woman Will Not Date You

I'm not interested, but maybe
you should call my brother.

If men really knew what women were thinking, we would all retreat to our caves to spend more time playing with model trains and hand cream.
Here are real reasons why the woman will not date you.

1. She vows never to call you back and then slams the convent door on you.

2. She points to her wedding ring and then taps her 8 ½ months pregnant belly.

3. She is a Playboy Bunny and you are not a rich 95 year-old man.

4. Your sister says, “Leave me alone or I’m telling Mom.”

5. Your mother says, “Leave me alone or I’m telling your father.”

6. The inflatable doll has an air leak and won’t sleep with you because she’s exhausted.

7. You have one tooth and she has two.

8. She says, “Please leave now. The visiting hours are over at the hospice.”

9. She runs your Valentine card through the paper shredder while you are still standing there.

10. Her T-shirt reads “Ladies Professional Golf Association.

11. She says, “Maybe you should give my brother a call.”

12. She says, “I have a strict policy of dating within my own species.”

13. She says, “I’ll order a drink for you. What wine goes with Pepper Spray?”

14. She asks to borrow your cell phone to call an ambulance … that you will soon need.

15. “Are you sure that you want to date me? Won’t your sister get jealous?”

16. “Is that a toothpick in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

17. She asks, “Would you like to go back to my place to play Ugly Aztec Man Chained to an Altar?”

18. “No, I won’t go to supper with you because I just purged. But would you like a big sloppy good night kiss?”

19. She reprogrammed your GPS to go to hell.

20. “No, you can not buy me a drink … and put down that gun.”

21. She asks, “Were there any other survivors from the horrible disfiguring accident that you had?”

22. You have a gold compass hanging from around your neck, but she still tells you to get lost.

23. Her personal telephone number that she just gave you starts with area code 666.

24. She asks, “Can you go someplace else to smell bad?”

25. The Polynesian girl tells you that she is saving herself for the volcano.

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Skydiving Warning Tips

Hey. Was that Tom Petty
that just went by?

Do you have strong ankles?

Do regular passenger airlines landings leave you bored? Have you had the urge to jump out of a plane with a jump instructor … for fun?

Maybe it’s time to strap one on. No, not a jump instructor, I mean strap on a parachute.

Warning: You are not considered a thrill-seeker if the aircraft is still sitting in the hangar when you leap out.

We’re talking about hopping out of an airborne aircraft at 10,000 feet with a fully functioning parachute above a relatively un-soft Kmart parking lot. There is less danger of landing on a parked car there. You can tell when Kmart is open and fully staffed because there are 15 bicycles on the sidewalk and 2 cars in the parking lot.

Man has always wanted to soar and dive like the eagle while many an eagle has wished it could drive a 4 wheeled stick-shift Jeep through the Baja Peninsula. Conversely, women and a few men have always wanted to serve beverages and snacks at 35,000 feet.

So, update your life insurance policy, check your rigging, and cancel the extended warranty you bought on that ten dollar calculator.

If you’re still up in the air on this skydiving thing, then first read these skydiving warning tips. Soon you will be careening toward a new adventure in no time flat:


1.  The Jump Master’s name is Splaat.

2.  The other jumpers are all wearing patient bracelets from the Hospice.

3.  Vultures are surrounding the bull’s-eye target on the ground.

4.  The Jump Club has gone green with new, yet untested, biodegradable parachutes.

5.  The pilot gives you the famous war movie speech, “Some of you won’t be coming back.”

6.  If Geronimo had ever jumped out of an aircraft, he would not have screamed his own name, especially when he realized that he was wearing a papoose instead of a parachute.

7.  “Free Skydiving lesson. No strings attached.”

8.  The stand-by ambulance at the landing zone looks a lot like a Hearse.

9.  The plane taxies past Rod Serling talking to a camera.

10. In the Divorce Proceeding Skydive Special, the wife always gets the one parachute.

11. The jump master is still on parole for pushing a knapsack-wearing boy scout by mistake.

12. The jump instructor says, “P P P P P Pu Pu Pu Pull the ri ri ri ri rip co co co co cord. Ne Ne Ne Ne Never mi mi mi mi mi mind.”

13. The same company makes Parachutes and Shrouds. Coincidence?

14. The grounds crew is going to charge you extra if you jump with a full bowel.

15. Planning a live birth skydive? Don’t forget the Fisher Price parachute for the newborn.

16. If your chute doesn’t open, the suit of bubble wrap is not going to help you.

17. “There’s something I wanted to tell you guys before you jumped but I forgot. Oh well, it probably wasn’t very important. You go ahead and jump. Maybe I’ll remember it later.”

18. If you Drink and Dive, you must demonstrate that you can fall in a straight line.

19. You are too low to jump if the ants you see on the ground really are ants.

20. There is no refund owed to the absent-minded skydiver's next of kin.

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Monday, November 4, 2013

Jobs: Improper Interview Answers

My resume' includes carrying big
green leaves and milking Aphids.

You have to have a job ... to get another one. It’s always been easier to obtain employment if you were already employed.

If you are now unemployed, you are likely to stay that way.

Here is a question for all employers: Who will be best employee, an unemployed man with a family and children who is 4 months away from foreclosure or a new employee who just skipped out on his last employer for a few more bucks a month to “work” for you?

Enough of the doom and gloom, your objective is not to find a job. Your entire effort is to obtain the interview. There are dozens of online advice columns to help you prepare for an interview.

But if you DO NOT want to do well in your interview because you have a few more months of unemployment compensation remaining, then feel free to use any of the following interview answers:  

1. Q. Tell me about yourself. 

A. Well, I don't drink nearly as much as I used to.

2. Q. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 
A. Kissing your wife goodbye, just before you get home from golf.

3. Q. What’s your biggest weakness?    A. I can’t shoot real straight when I get angry.

4. Q. Describe a specific example when you saved money for your company.  A. An old lady fell in our store and I told the judge that I didn’t see it.

5. Q. Have you ever stolen from an employer?  A. So far, no boss has ever caught me.

6. Q. Why are you looking for a job?  A. It’s part of the requirements to keep getting unemployment checks.

7. Q. What are you looking for?  A. A job with disability insurance for my bad back.

8. Q. Why should I hire you for this position?  A. Why should I answer that if you don’t even know either?

9. Q. How do you feel about working long hours and on weekends?  A. It’s okay with me as long as it doesn’t interfere with my court-ordered community service.

10. Q. Do you have any questions?     A. Yeah, where’s the can?

If you didn’t realize that Q stands for Question and A stands for Answer, then please disregard the advice … although you may want to think about working for