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Saturday, May 23, 2015

10 Distinct Thoughts on Boogers

Hey Lincoln, did the sculptor give you any arms or hands?
I need somebody to scratch my nose.

This is not an all-inclusive-everything-you-ever-wanted-to-know-about Boogers report. Check with the Pueblo Documents Distribution Center in Pueblo Colorado.  There are several government studies available there on Boogers. Take your pick. What … you didn’t think I would use that joke?

1. I woke up this morning with a firmly packed booger on my hand, specifically on my thumb, specifically on my right thumb.

2. Normally, I would rise from bed and deliver the booger to the toilet bowl since I go that way anyway. This morning I was surprised to find no urgency to go anywhere. “But I have this booger on my finger and I can’t just flick it over the bed covers and onto the floor, even if I am a man.”

3. Mr. Booger appeared when I sneezed. This was not one of those honkers from a Cold or the Flu, the ones that leave a large yellow jellyfish quivering in your cupped palms.

4. I live in Florida, which is the finest state to reside to remain Booger-free. We have high humidity so boogers don’t form easily. Other states with low humidity, dust storms, or air pollution are where the boogers do grow. That was a 1955 Hank Aring country/folk song: I’m Agoing Out West Where the Boogers Do Grow.

I wonder why my
cell phone is so sticky.

5. My nose is an older schnoz, filled with coarse jungle overgrowth. When it gets cold in Florida and we crank up the heat, then we experience scattered boogers with a chance of intermittent snoring throughout the early morning hours.

6. The first evidence of booger-forming people appeared in the Fertile Crescent. They were hunter/gatherers … and pickers. Don’t mix this up with the Fertile Croissant. That was one busy French tart that visited every lonely soldier just outside of Waterloo in 1815. After contact with this woman, the soldiers had trouble passing water in the loo.

7. Whales never form boogers because they live in the watery environment of the ocean. Their blowholes are damper than a burka in hay fever season.   

8. The Grapes of Wrath original title was Dust Bowl Booger Pickers. “Once we get to Cal-aye-fornee, we can pick our boogers in public.”

9. The IRRC, Institute for the Recovery and Reuse of Cocaine, is investigating the harvesting and repurposing of cocaine-laden boogers. The Booger Fairy will visit California mansions with a burlap bag and a pair of stainless steel forceps for late night collections.

10. Some day, office bathrooms will not be the only sanctuary where a Booger Hoarder can relax. He, and yes there are also female Booger Hoarders, has a favorite stall in the office bathroom, where he displays his boogers on the inside panel of the stall door.

A collection can swell to over 350 boogers if the building cleaning crew takes the attitude, “Whoa. That’s not our job to remove and clean nasal production artwork on a stall door.”
I give you permission to translate that last quote into whatever oppressed people’s language you think is appropriate.



I hope you enjoyed this bit of nosetalgia.

Until that liberating day when a picker can come out from behind his newspaper or bathroom stall, polite society will continue to look down or more likely look up into the boulder-laden noses of these nares-do-wells.


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Bob Simpson

Largo, Florida


Do you have a booger story to share? Add a comment. The grosser, the better. 

Saturday, May 16, 2015

8 Rules for Pancakes

Wilford Brimley's Breakfast
for Bronco Busters


Ladles and Griddlemen

There  are at least eight rules listed below for pancake enjoyment. 

I didn't give them numbers because I didn't feel like it. If you would like to print this and add numbers to your own personal copy, then I think you should do just that.

They are called hot cakes. Please ... Serve them HOT.

Pancake Eaters: Have some respect. Be at the table, buttering and syruping up those flapjacks, within one minute of them leaving the cast iron skillet.

Serve real butter at room temperature, but melt the butter if you are eating pancakes in an igloo. Never offer margarine with pancakes. Only salted real butter is allowed.

Place crisp warm endless bacon 
within reach of the pancakes.

Within Six Degrees of  a
Normal Hemoglobin A1C

If you serve turkey bacon, then you might as well supply margarine or “I can’t Believe It’s Not Crap.”

Pouring a small amount of real maple syrup into a bottle of Karo syrup is not acceptable. Either pony up for the 100% maple syrup or use some good old sugar cane syrup on those flapjacks.

Syrup with butter flavor is an abomination and classed together with other combo foods such as hot dogs with injected cheese sauce or peanut butter and jelly occupying the same jar. Folks that use these products often will order pizza with pineapple topping. These same people would want to know what wine to serve with little barbecue sausages.

Pancake Theory One from a 1994 epiphany at the IHOP on Dale Mabry Ave. in Tampa Florida. Whatever you do in the first thirty minutes after eating pancakes is what you end up doing for the rest of the day
. Normally the writer would explain what IHOP means but if you don’t know, then you should be toasting generic-brand frozen waffles … alone.

Do not discard pancakes in the backyard as if they were crusts of old bread. It’s disturbing to have to watch fat squirrels in the morning monitoring their blood sugar levels.

If you have questions or want to add your own rules or favorite pancake story, add a comment. I would like to hear from you.

I promise not to argue or belittle you. That's what my wife is for. Just kidding Dear. 

See author's nationally award winning weekly newspaper humor column

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Bob Simpson
Largo, Florida