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Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Why the outrage over Ferguson?

I haven't kept up with the news, what with all the TV shows I have recorded and need to watch. I did hear something about the Ferguson riots and the outrage over Ferguson.


I can't understand why there has to be rioting, looting, and protests just because of the Ferguson decision.


Ferguson decided to retire from CBS sometime in December 2014. He wasn't fired. 


Liza Minnelli look-alike, Craig Ferguson is leaving CBS 

He is leaving on good terms with CBS. There is no animosity between CBS executives and Craig Ferguson, the late late night talk show host


Craig Ferguson epitomizes a typical legal immigrant's progression through the system to ultimately become a United States Citizen.


I beg of you. Please stop the riots and looting. This man has done nothing wrong. He overcame a life of addiction to go on to host a major television network show for ten years.


Please, can't we all just get along? Let's start today to help return to a country of love and compassion for all. 


Don't make this another Conan O'Brien-Jay Leno thing. Haven't we learned from our mistakes? WWJD? (What would Johnny Do?)


Let's make it a great day for America. 


If you have questions or want to add a remark, please leave a comment. I would love to hear from you. I promise not to argue or belittle you. That's what my wife is for. Just kidding, Dear. 


See author's nationally award winning weekly newspaper humor column 

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Contact: 
Bob Simpson
Largo, Florida
727-596-3458


Saturday, September 27, 2014

Stephen Hawking says “There is no Cod”

Cod is Dead ... and Deep Fried

British physicist Steven Hawking has claimed that “There is no Cod.” He believes that "science offers the most reasonable explanation" for Long John Silver's decision to remove Cod from their menu.


Hawking suffers from a motor neuron disease similar to ALS, Acute Limey Syndrome. He’s English you know. Part of the treatment for ALS is a daily serving of fish.


Hawking does believe, however, that "Tartar Sauce is Absolutely Divine," an allusion to a possible deity-like entity capable of producing that tasty condiment so necessary for the enjoyment of a nice piece of fish.


Professor Hawking announced that due to the removal of Cod from the menu, he will “Never again set foot in a Long John Silver’s restaurant.”


Stephen Hawking divorced his first wife, who took care of him and guided his wheelchair everywhere. When asked why he divorced her, he said, “She was just too pushy.


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Saturday, September 13, 2014

High School Wrestling Leads to Increase in Same-Sex Marriages

Rikki, don't lose that number.

Scientists have found a correlation between states with well-funded high
school wrestling programs and an increase 
in subsequent same-sex marriages. 


The researchers were quick to note that further investigation is still required. “We still have thousands of hours of films of young sweaty boys grab-assing to review and study before coming to any final conclusion.”


In the meantime, new rules for grappling games have been promulgated throughout the country, based on these preliminary findings: 


o      The high school referee will end the match immediately if he hears both wrestlers giggling. 

o      Coaches, do not teach wrestling holds based on the Karma Sutra.

o      Never allow a match between conjoined twins, no matter how amusing you think it might be.

o      Greco Roman is not to be confused with Gecko Roman. If there is a lizard spotted in the match, charges of indecent exposure may result.

o      Discrete use of cell phone cameras is still allowed.

o      At no time, should hands ever disappear from view.

o      If you experience a wrestling match for longer than four hours, contact your healthcare provider immediately … or get a room.


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Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Taurus the Bull

April 21 to May 21

You'd be mad too if someone
shoved 
boxing gloves over you hooves.


Taurus.  Patient, warmhearted, and resolute. You enjoy waiting determinedly in the 75-items-or-less checkout lane, under the banner reading, “If we notice more than 25 people waiting in any one line, we will open another register.”

However, you can be jealous, resentful, and inflexible. Lord help the person in front of you with 76 items. You will count the items in that person’s cart, even magnanimously acknowledging that a carton of eggs is really one item and not twelve. But the last time the number reached 76 or higher on the repeat count, you started dropping items from the offending cart onto the polished supermarket floor.


To your credit, when the security camera tapes are reviewed, you are smiling warmly … as the bottled baby formula and Children’s Cold medicine break onto the tile.


Taureans are frightened of falling into debt and they are extremely faithful in their relationships. The ever-true Taurus will not stray from a poverty stricken marriage unless she meets a good looking CPA specializing in debt relief.


Your star stone is the Emerald, used in rituals to stop bleeding and just as effective as a piece of gauze.

The Wizard of OZ Munchkins were actually tiny Taurus hemophiliacs trying to get to the Emerald City before they bled to death. Remember the rousing refrain, “We’re off to see the Wizard, the Wonderful Wizard of Gauze ... Be Gauze, Be Gauze, Be Gauze, Be Gauze, Be Gauze … Be Gauze of the wonderful things he does.”

Originally, a pasty little Munchkin accompanied Dorothy and the boys down the yellow brick road. Sadly, the director cut the Munchkin and his songs from the movie. The director said it was just too heart-wrenching to watch the little anemic hemophiliac belt out, “If I only had a Clot.”


The ruling planet is Venus, your color is pink, and your metal is Copper. Your favorite daydream is of Venus Williams in a pink tennis outfit, cooking up a mess of bacon in a copper frying pan. This daydream works for both men and women.


The favorite car of this sign is the Ford Taurus. Remember retired Florida State Seminoles football coach Bobby Bowden’s famous Ford TV commercial: “I lack (like) Taurus.” He said this one time to the camera and drove home with a trunk load of money in his new free Ford Taurus. Bobby Bowden’s astrology sign should be the $$eminole.


The Taurus sign is congruent with Virgo. Taurean Kirsten Dunst of Spiderman fame would be compatible with Virgo basketball star and past Family Man of the Year, Kobe Bryant.


Mr. Bryant said, “I would like to court her. You know, if I wasn't married or anything like that. But Kirsten probably wouldn't go out with me. It would be a long shot, certainly not a slam Dunst.”


Remember. You are a Star. Even if it’s a Fallen-and-Can’t Get-Up Star.


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Saturday, June 28, 2014

Old Dog Days or Why Lorne Greene Is Not an Icon Anymore

Yes, I was younger
than one of my sons.

Our dog is old. I don’t know how old. She was my wife’s dog before we were married, (my wife and I, not the dog). 


The dog came to live with us because she was one of those kinky “Love-me, Love-my-dog” types, (my wife, not the dog). 


She came from a place called Strays Arf Us, (the dog, not my wife).


Lately, Simba, (the dog, not my wife), has been barking every day at 4:17 AM. Evidently, that’s when a Pensacola aircraft en route to Miami at 40,000 feet passes within a hundred miles of our house.  


The call came at 5 AM yesterday from Air Traffic Control, “Excuse me, I apologize for calling so early, but we need your help. Our radar has gone down and we’ve lost contact with an aircraft out of Pensacola.

This is Pensacola Tower.
Sir, is your dog barking?


Sir, is Simba barking?”


The neighbors appreciate the 4:17 barking alarm. That’s a good little doggy for getting all the neighbors to wake up together and get a jump-start on their day.


My wife says Simba is 70. There is something out there in the ether and the Discovery channel called Dog Years. A Dog Year is equal to 7 years. 


There is a Dog Sun that rises and sets 7 times a day, but only canines and Hawaiian Tropics sun-tanning customers can see it.

Our aging Simba suffers from Barkinson’s Disease and Fleabitus. The Vet gave her painkillers for her Arfritis and something for anxiety.


The vet always gives me the same lecture, “The Valium was for the dog, not you.”

I didn’t have a snappy comeback because I kept falling asleep. But I woke right on up when the assistant asked, “Is the big one in here, for the neutering?”     

With all the medication, our mixed breed Simba is feeling mutt’s better. I feel better too, now that I have # 6377 programmed on my phone’s speed dial. That’s 911 in dog years.


Simba likes to watch the Lost Episodes of Lassie, but we don’t show her the final farewell show. Lassie limps into the farmhouse kitchen, circles her water bowl, shudders, then flops down and goes to sleep.
     

Timmy pets the quiet collie and yells, “Mom, I think Lassie’s trying to tell us something. Old man Jensen must have fallen down a well, or maybe the lady forest ranger has a ruptured ovarian cyst, or maybe the network execs got the ratings last night.”


Mom pulls Timmy away from Lassie, “Yes Timmy. I think you’re right. She really is trying to tell us something.”

“What Mom? What Mom?  What is she trying to say?”

“Well Timmy, I think Lassie’s trying to tell us that she’s dead.”

Now let’s talk about Lorne Greene. Remember Ben “Pa” Cartwright of Bonanza fame? He ran a large ranch for stray dogs called the Poundarosa. 


Mr. Greene was doing Alpo dog food-with-not-a-speck-of-cereal commercials when Hoss, his former TV son, died.

The plan was to sprinkle Hoss’s ashes over the “All-You-Can-Eat Buffet Museum” in Carson City. But times were tough for lovable, yet stern, patriarch Lorne Greene, who was left in charge of the cremation. 


To save money, he dragged his old friend to the dog food factory to have the cremation comped. Records have never been found to substantiate the actual cremation, but for several years, the Alpo cans sported a new label, with just a speck of Hydrogenated Oxygenated Synergistic Stuff, (H.O.S.S.).
 

Sadly, Ben Cartwright passed on at the age of 10.3; that’s 72 in Lorne Greene years.

So here’s the conversation on the way to school with the bright children that I am raising … as if they were my own … just because of a stupid DNA test:

“Pa … If Lorne Greene and his dog were on Mars, how long would they live?”

The answer: Lorne Greene would die in 7 seconds, having had a full 6 seconds to mourn for his dog that died after only one second. 


They both would have succumbed from a lack of proper vital ingredients that are missing in the average Martian environment; an atmosphere that contains Carbon Dioxide, a little Nitrogen, and not a speck of Oxygen.


Monday, May 19, 2014

M.E.R.S. Eat Oats and Does Eat Oats and Little Lambs Eat Ivy.

Careful,
I think she might be
 an undercover cop.

“Wear masks and gloves when handling camels due to MERS, Middle East Respiratory Syndrome.” So says the Saudi Arabia 
Minister of Health, in a
warning issued this morning.

 
MERS
is similar to MERIS, Middle East Respiratory Infatuation Syndrome. This is what happens when the sight of a beautiful camel takes a man’s breath away.
 
The Minister of Health further cautioned, “Watch out lads, it looks like you can catch this crap off a camel. Do not eat raw camel meat or drink un-boiled camel milk.”

Final Warning:

1. Remove the milk from the camel before boiling the milk.

2. Cool the boiled camel milk before drinking.

eHarmony.com and Match.com have removed all references and pictures of camels from their web sites. Since 98% of their business involved camels, MyMuslimLady.com has actually shut down.  


Both one-humped camels and two-humped camels can carry the MERS. A humped camel in Saudi Arabia has an entirely different meaning than in the United States.
 

Nice Set of Humps

More than 120 people have died from the recent outbreak of MERS. The health ministry has replaced the head of the King Fahd Hospital in Jeddah. A replaced head in Saudi Arabia has an entirely different meaning than in the United States.

In Iran, there have been several instances of radical insurgents mounting MERS-infected camels and charging US Army bases. A mounted camel in Saudi Arabia has the very same meaning in the United States.
 
Due to reinforced U.S. defense positions, there have been no successful sick camel related suicide attempts. The message from the US forces to the Insurgents seems to be, “72 virgins if you die or stay home and snuggle with a camel with a good attitude. It’s your choice.”
 

All online date sites hope to add camels back into the repertoire, once this MERS scare is gone. A Middle East date is a fruit to be eaten, while in the good old USA, it means …
 

There are now several cases of MERS in the United States. Either the disease can now transmit from human to human or there are petting zoos located throughout America with camel sleeper cells.


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Sunday, March 23, 2014

World's Oldest Flamingo Dies

I hope Shrimp is on
the early bird menu.

The oldest flamingo in captivity died in Sydney, Australia in January. Even now, it's difficult to type or utter the words, "The old flamingo is dead," without choking up.

Greater, the Flamingo, died at age 83. He was euthanized due to to complications of old age. He even refused to drink his shrimp flavored can of Ensure.

Ok, Ok, he was actually dispatched in the kitchen of a Sidney Popeye’s Chicken franchise. “Try our Flamingo on the Barbie. We put the Flaming back in Flamingo. We, however, don't mean to imply anything negative or positive about the bird’s sexual orientation with our use of the word, Flaming.

Ironically, the former oldest living flamingo was once the world’s youngest flamingo in 1931, until his brother hatched two hours later.

Regarding the end of life decision, the Adelaide Zoo representative said, “Although this is an extremely sad loss for us all, it was the right thing to do. Greater is in a better place now … inside some bloke’s Popeye’s Chicken Take-Out Sack."

Trivia:

A dead flamingo is called a Flamingone.

Popeye’s Chicken is a subliminal message promoting the Catholic Church. POPE YES.

A Flamingo has never appeared in the stage play
Wading for Godot.


See author's nationally award winning weekly newspaper humor column


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Friday, March 7, 2014

Nun Gives Birth To Baby Boy

Praying for Two

It’s a miracle and that’s
the story I'm sticking with.


Roxana Rodriguez, a Salvadorian nun in Italy, who said she had no idea she was pregnant, gave birth in January after she felt stomach cramps in her convent. Ouch. Stomach cramps in her convent. 

Information on the father’s name is pending until the new crop of seminary students can be questioned.
 
The very surprised nun mommy said, “I did not know I was pregnant. I only felt a stomach pain." She did, however, say this in Italian.    
 

A senior official from the church was quoted:  “We are not in the habit of knocking up nuns."
 

The sister belongs to the "Little Disciples of Jesus" convent in Campomoro near Rieti, which manages an old people's home.

The newest Madonna said, “But I made up my mind, I’m keeping my baby. Ooh, I’m gonna keep my baby.” There goes the old people's home age 55 and over residency rule.  
 

Her fellow nuns were quoted as saying they were "very surprised." They did, however, also respond in Italian.
 

Happens again February 2014:
 
Mandy Batchelor of Indiana, but not a nun, was rushed to a hospital with stomach pains. An emergency appendectomy was expected.
 
Instead, she gave birth to a baby boy that she had no idea was there.

The first clue came when Mandy’s water broke. After a brief review of a medical dictionary that showed no cases of water breaking with Appendicitis, the hospital staff delivered the baby.


The new mother said, "I didn't know I was pregnant." She said this in English. 


These two women felt no symptoms of pregnancy until they were about to give birth. We can only hope that they felt something when their babies were conceived.


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Monday, February 17, 2014

First Day at Trade School

My uncle works part-time
at the lantern factory
 ... just on wick ends
.

Many Americans are considering new careers or just transitioning into abject poverty. The best selling book this year is Welfare for Dummies. 

These are the conversations heard throughout the USA on the first day of class in Trade, Technology, or Vocational schools.


See what students are saying in Embalming or Sky Diving class. The entrance applications are stringent: Your check must clear the bank before you can start class.


Notice the advertisements that pop up around this article. Are there some vocational schools advertised? I thought so. You can train to be an x-ray tactician or maybe just look like one.


Trade School Class. You and I will observe the first day in class. We’ll kneel beneath the window to record these precious first day comments emanating from our modern vocational universities.


Tech school students are a special breed. Some are just out of high school and some never finished. They are there because Mommy and Daddy can’t afford college costs or, more likely, their aging dependent was Gifted Challenged.


Adults also make up a section of the student body. Some have been laid off from work and some are just worried that they’re going to be laid off next. A few have quit before daily frustrations made them dispatch their manager. One or two have actually shot their bosses and have some time to kill before their trials starts.


Tech school students once included many spiritual adventurers in search of something meaningful for their essence to bathe in, seeking some sort of Epsom Salts Soak for the Soul. These early searchers have not been seen since the 1980’s when the seminars finally ended on finding yourself.


By the 1990’s everyone had found themselves and returned home to check on their marriages.


Now pay attention, you may get a quiz on this. Let’s get started on our field trip. The following are what you hear on the first day of class: 


Embalming School:  Hey, this guy is dead!


Massage
Therapy School
: No, No, No. We don’t ever touch there!


Knife Sharpening School: OW!


Academy for Hearing Impaired Cadets: WE CAN’T HEAR YOU.


Juggling School: I’m sorry but you’re in the wrong room. The accounting class is next door.


Travel
Agency School: Is Canada a state?


Manicurist
School
: You in the back row. We don’t use our teeth to trim toenails.


Air
Traffic Controller School
: Don’t be so hard on yourself. Cessna’s don’t count.


Brick
Wall Construction School
: These instructions are just guidelines; nothing is set in stone.


Cigar
Making School
: Monica Lewinsky, we don’t need your kind in here.


Document
Control School
: Today our special surprise guest speaker is Oliver North.


Lab
Mice Breeding School
: Now where did I leave that Minnie Mouse centerfold?


Cooking School: Most of you wouldn’t be here, if you didn’t have a burning desire to cook.


Prisoner
Interrogation School
:  Please. No cameras, Mr. Cheney.


Sky
Diving School
: Please leave your book bags and back packs at home. We don’t want another mistake like that to ever happen again.


Thank you for your participation today. Please put your pencils down. This delightful blog is over.


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Sunday, February 16, 2014

Oh for Heaven’s Snake

Psssst.
Hey you wanna go to Heaven?
 No? How about an apple?

The TV program Snake
Salvation
is not returning 
for
a second season. One
of the stars died Saturday
of a poisonous snake bite.


Pentecostal preacher Jamie Coots’ venomous sidekick bit him right in the middle of his sermon. You know how painful that can be when a serpent strikes you right in your sermon.

The Kentuckian pastor Mr. Coots had been bitten nine times before. After the ninth time, you would think that he would have said something to the snake like, “I’ll see to it that you never work in Kentucky again.”

The show’s producer, National Geographic, said that they have no plans for a second season and commented, “Maybe Mr. Coots can now get a recurring role on The Walking Dead."

There were snake bite treatment centers already in the area, but Jamie Coots refused medical attention. The first Pentecostal tenet is “Snakes Don’t Kill. They Just Bite.”

According to a Bible passage there is a suggestion that those anointed by God will not be harmed by a poisonous snake bite. The Bible does not specifically address someone who has already been previously bitten nine times.

We do have one quote from a very high source. When Jamie Coots approached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter said, “Welcome to Heaven, Bonehead.”


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weekly newspaper humor column

Monday, February 10, 2014

Twenty Clues to a Bad Hospital

Get her a room.
 She has insurance.

Your hospital room looks
nice and the hospital staff
is friendly, but wait …

Here are some clues that
will tell you that you have
a better chance of surviving in your own home:


1.  There are two Life Insurance Vending Machines on each floor.


2.  The best sellers in the Gift shop are the Condolence Cards.


3.  There is a least one doctor in the Emergency Room at all times.


4.  Access to the Bereavement Chapel is by reservation only.


5.  The hospital has a staff of 50 Chaplains.


6.  There is free coffee in the Meditation Classroom.


7.  The Emergency Room has regular business hours.


8.  The cafeteria has a special on Chocolate Pudding in a Bag.


9.  The pathology reports often come back as “Benign, but a bit salty.”


10. The hospital administrator is also the groundskeeper.


11. Frequently heard in the morgue, “Where the heck are we going to put another one?”


12. California hospital blood banks keep a special blood type for valley girls: “O for sure”


13. There is a drive-up window for Vasectomies.


14. The 24-Hour Free Shuttle enthusiastically whisks your recently departed loved one to the funeral home next door.


15. The self service mammogram vending machine in the lobby does not have privacy curtains.


16. The Hospital Fertility Clinic has a sperm bank with an outside night deposit box.


17. The urine sample jars look a lot like the cafeteria’s apple juice bottles.


18. The hospital support group for Recently Widowed Spouses has a waiting list.


19. The circumcision machine is manufactured by As Seen On TV.


20. The new burn treatment center now takes MasterCharred


Disclaimer: If I am admitted to a hospital and the hospital staff have read this blog, then let me say that these were just jokes. I didn’t really mean them. It was just a humorous look at a compassionate and care-giving industry. 


A final warning: I have health insurance and I am not afraid to use it.


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Saturday, February 1, 2014

He Might Not Be a Vegetarian

Hey,

 you got any meat back there?

You are a woman committed to a vegetarian lifestyle. You even walk barefoot on grass, rather than pump across asphalt in leather high heels.

Even your life partner search contains stipulations that he must also embrace the gentle diet that is easy on the stomach, soul, and soil.


But, if you a male vegetarian wondering how to find vegetarian girls, then next time you are cuddling together at home, sipping hot cocoa, and discussing the Tonys, go ahead and ask your mother.


These hints will weed out the Carnivores from the Herbivores, the Hunters from the Gatherers, the Republicans from the Democrats, and the 10-30 weight Men from the coupon-clipping, sensitive bicycle Riders.  


Here are the 20 hints that he might not be a Vegetarian:


1.  He uses Beef flavored Dental Floss.


2.  He watches The Yearling and chuckles when the deer gets it.


3.  All the labels on the canned goods in his kitchen have been removed.


4.  There is a suspicious-looking, locked freezer out on the carport.


5.  He thinks Tofu was a mouse puppet on The Ed Sullivan Show.


6.  There are 3 barbecue grills in his back yard.


7.  He says that the gun rack in his pickup rear window is for his pool cues.


8.  He has a kennel of Beagles in the back yard.


9.  He uses the steak sauce to season baked potatoes.


10. He has a life-long magazine subscription to Meat.

Don't drool when the animals pass by.

11. He can't tuck his shirt in because his appendix is too big.


12. You both pass a meat market and the butcher waves at your date.
 

13. He says the bucket of lard in his kitchen is for his skin.
 

14. You ask him to poach you an egg and he says, “No way. I’m not gonna steal an egg for you.”
 

15. Sonny’s Barbecue is #1 on his phone’s speed dial list.


16. He has a chronic case of Gout.


17. He asks you for the text abbreviation for baby back ribs.


18. He works up an appetite when he watches The Animal Planet Channel.


19. When he eats a vegetarian corn dog, he says, “So this is what meat tastes like.”


20. There is a poster hanging in his bedroom of a side of beef … wearing a teddy.


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Wednesday, January 29, 2014

My Funny Valentine Just Turned Ugly

Sometimes ...
Love Feels Like the Flu

Does anyone see that these
 two pieces would not fit together?

Valentine gift suggestions in the ladies magazines are harder to find than Lindsay Lohan's current mailing
address.

Subliminal gift hints are buried in the shiny multi-sheet tundra of full page ads with expressionless, hungry women alluding to vague and ambiguous products for sale.


These magazines, otherwise, lean toward thought-provoking prose of 37 secrets your man wants you to know about him and, apparently, at least one secret that he does not want you to know. It involves alone time and hand lotion. 


I am probably resentful because my wife spends $5.99 for each of her magazines, so there’s no money left for just one of my favorite inexpensive fact-filled woodworking magazines.


Take a break from the pressure of buying an inappropriate gift and having to apologize for your ineptness for the rest of your life. Relax and enjoy these 20 reasons why Valentines Day can turn ugly:


1. Your Valentine Day gift to your diabetic girlfriend was a joke glucose meter.
 

2. You gave your girlfriend a book called You Don’t Have to Look as Old as You Are.
 

3. She gave you a book called Learning to Cook for One.


4. The Valentine card from your wife includes a change of address form for one with your name already added.


5. The giant box of assorted gourmet chocolates still has the Dollar Store label.


6. She gave you 12 roses. You gave her an empty vase.


7. Your girlfriend hangs a Do Not Resuscitate sign on your hospital bed.


8. When you opened your Valentine card it said, “Whatever.”


9. The wife just joined a Singles Club.


10. You received a Valentine card with your name written on top of some dried Wite-Out.


11. The candy you gave your girlfriend is from Halloween … two years ago.


12. A case of dental floss is not a good Valentine gift unless your boyfriend currently wears the Corn On The Cob Eating World Championship Belt.


13. Her dog was sick so you bought her a pink ceramic doghouse cremation urn.


14. “But you said we weren’t going to get each other Valentine gifts this year.”


15. Her Valentine’s gift to you was a cup holder for your dirt bike. This one is not funny. I left it on the list so you would appreciate the good ones.


16. Your husband gave you a heart-shaped bathroom scale and a Weight Watchers membership.


17. You and your girlfriend were looking at engagement rings with a jeweler and then you used the term “lower price point.”


18. Your Valentine gift to her was a list of chores that you would do for her and she said, “That’s cute but really… where is my Valentine gift?”


19. You sent a Valentine card to your sweetheart again this year, signing off with the valediction of “Best Wishes.”


20. You gave a Lane Bryant gift certificate to your pregnant wife.

So, I hope that these helpful hints will get you through Valentines Day without one of those embarrassing restraining orders placed on you ... again.


Remember.

It is not the thought that counts.                                                                 It is the correct thought that counts.


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Sunday, January 26, 2014

It’s Time to Retire When …

Please Report
To Human Resources

Saturday and Sunday
AM Radio: You will find 350 retirement advice shows.

What they never discuss are the subtle hints that you will receive when it is time to punch out for the last time.

Punching out for the last time can mean turning in your time card or actually punching out your boss.


Either way, it’s time to retire when:

 
1. You can remember the day FDR died.
 

2. A younger, much better looking person is sitting at your desk on Monday morning … and smiling.
 
3. There is no more room in your home kitchen cabinets for Sweet N Low packets taken from the office break room.
 

4. The print font called Helvetia reminds you of an aged cheese or a well-developed wench during the World War II French underground movement. Both
make a fine spread.

 
5. The thermostat is permanently set at 85 degrees.
 


6. Your high school has cancelled any future reunions for your graduating class.


High School Yearbook
Most Likely To Rust

7. Your real estate agent keeps showing you Assisted Living Facilities.

 
8. Your 40-year-old granddaughter starts sassing you.
 

9. You’re intrigued over a special pair of shoes because one of the shoes is specifically designed for standing-in-the-grave.
 

10. Your supervisor won’t let you use a walker on the construction site.
 


11. Your Facebook page advertises Walk-in Bathtubs ads.
 


12. When Erectile Dysfunction commercials play on TV, your only comment is, “Hmmmmmm?”
 


Your Former Lovers

13. You can’t watch Wheel of Fortune without a pudding cup. 


14. Your preacher gives his sermons in stretch pants.
 

15. When a friend mentions menopause, you say, “Been there. Done that.”
 

16. Don’t forget to read the fine print on contracts. Never mind, everything is in fine print.
 

17. The office has added a separate phone extension for you in the restroom.
 

18. You can’t get your hair cut because you can’t find a Beauty Parlor.
 

19. You think Ol Uncle Joe on Petticoat Junction was Hot.                              

He's Moving Kinda Slow


And Finally, It's Time To Retire When ...


20. You would Still DO Betty White.



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