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Wednesday, January 29, 2014

My Funny Valentine Just Turned Ugly

Sometimes ...
Love Feels Like the Flu

Does anyone see that these
 two pieces would not fit together?

Valentine gift suggestions in the ladies magazines are harder to find than Lindsay Lohan's current mailing
address.

Subliminal gift hints are buried in the shiny multi-sheet tundra of full page ads with expressionless, hungry women alluding to vague and ambiguous products for sale.


These magazines, otherwise, lean toward thought-provoking prose of 37 secrets your man wants you to know about him and, apparently, at least one secret that he does not want you to know. It involves alone time and hand lotion. 


I am probably resentful because my wife spends $5.99 for each of her magazines, so there’s no money left for just one of my favorite inexpensive fact-filled woodworking magazines.


Take a break from the pressure of buying an inappropriate gift and having to apologize for your ineptness for the rest of your life. Relax and enjoy these 20 reasons why Valentines Day can turn ugly:


1. Your Valentine Day gift to your diabetic girlfriend was a joke glucose meter.
 

2. You gave your girlfriend a book called You Don’t Have to Look as Old as You Are.
 

3. She gave you a book called Learning to Cook for One.


4. The Valentine card from your wife includes a change of address form for one with your name already added.


5. The giant box of assorted gourmet chocolates still has the Dollar Store label.


6. She gave you 12 roses. You gave her an empty vase.


7. Your girlfriend hangs a Do Not Resuscitate sign on your hospital bed.


8. When you opened your Valentine card it said, “Whatever.”


9. The wife just joined a Singles Club.


10. You received a Valentine card with your name written on top of some dried Wite-Out.


11. The candy you gave your girlfriend is from Halloween … two years ago.


12. A case of dental floss is not a good Valentine gift unless your boyfriend currently wears the Corn On The Cob Eating World Championship Belt.


13. Her dog was sick so you bought her a pink ceramic doghouse cremation urn.


14. “But you said we weren’t going to get each other Valentine gifts this year.”


15. Her Valentine’s gift to you was a cup holder for your dirt bike. This one is not funny. I left it on the list so you would appreciate the good ones.


16. Your husband gave you a heart-shaped bathroom scale and a Weight Watchers membership.


17. You and your girlfriend were looking at engagement rings with a jeweler and then you used the term “lower price point.”


18. Your Valentine gift to her was a list of chores that you would do for her and she said, “That’s cute but really… where is my Valentine gift?”


19. You sent a Valentine card to your sweetheart again this year, signing off with the valediction of “Best Wishes.”


20. You gave a Lane Bryant gift certificate to your pregnant wife.

So, I hope that these helpful hints will get you through Valentines Day without one of those embarrassing restraining orders placed on you ... again.


Remember.

It is not the thought that counts.                                                                 It is the correct thought that counts.


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Sunday, January 26, 2014

It’s Time to Retire When …

Please Report
To Human Resources

Saturday and Sunday
AM Radio: You will find 350 retirement advice shows.

What they never discuss are the subtle hints that you will receive when it is time to punch out for the last time.

Punching out for the last time can mean turning in your time card or actually punching out your boss.


Either way, it’s time to retire when:

 
1. You can remember the day FDR died.
 

2. A younger, much better looking person is sitting at your desk on Monday morning … and smiling.
 
3. There is no more room in your home kitchen cabinets for Sweet N Low packets taken from the office break room.
 

4. The print font called Helvetia reminds you of an aged cheese or a well-developed wench during the World War II French underground movement. Both
make a fine spread.

 
5. The thermostat is permanently set at 85 degrees.
 


6. Your high school has cancelled any future reunions for your graduating class.


High School Yearbook
Most Likely To Rust

7. Your real estate agent keeps showing you Assisted Living Facilities.

 
8. Your 40-year-old granddaughter starts sassing you.
 

9. You’re intrigued over a special pair of shoes because one of the shoes is specifically designed for standing-in-the-grave.
 

10. Your supervisor won’t let you use a walker on the construction site.
 


11. Your Facebook page advertises Walk-in Bathtubs ads.
 


12. When Erectile Dysfunction commercials play on TV, your only comment is, “Hmmmmmm?”
 


Your Former Lovers

13. You can’t watch Wheel of Fortune without a pudding cup. 


14. Your preacher gives his sermons in stretch pants.
 

15. When a friend mentions menopause, you say, “Been there. Done that.”
 

16. Don’t forget to read the fine print on contracts. Never mind, everything is in fine print.
 

17. The office has added a separate phone extension for you in the restroom.
 

18. You can’t get your hair cut because you can’t find a Beauty Parlor.
 

19. You think Ol Uncle Joe on Petticoat Junction was Hot.                              

He's Moving Kinda Slow


And Finally, It's Time To Retire When ...


20. You would Still DO Betty White.



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Thursday, January 16, 2014

Labor Room NO NO’s

I don't know nothing about paying
no health insurance deductibles.
 


I hate delivering these Breech Births.

Labor rooms have evolved from cave floors to muted pastel walls and soft indirect lighting in modern high-rise family birthing suites with scenic panoramic landscapes from every window. A Womb with a View.

An adventuresome couple can opt for a water birth, especially if the original conception occurred in a hot tub, swimming pool, or on a Slip ‘n Slide.

Is it a coincidence that June, the favorite month for weddings, is also National Slip 'N Slide Month? Take your bride for a ride on the Slip ‘n Slide. 

The water-birthed baby slides out effortlessly into a warm water surrounding, enjoying an almost weightless stopover before crawling out onto the shore. If it is done correctly, then you never need the two tiny air tanks and regulator.

Hypnotherapy is the use of hypnosis in childbirth. The first book on this subject Children without Fear 
was written in 1942 by an English obstetrician named, (I am not making this name up), Dr. Grantly Dick-Read.

He said that fear was the culprit that caused the pain in childbirth. The only real childbirth fear today is the cost of raising one child through the college years: 1.1 million dollars.
 

A Hypnotherapy birth is not considered a trance. The experience is similar to that feeling when you are focused on reading a book, enjoying a movie, or staring into a fire. 


The Ultimate Hypnotherapy birth feeling: Reading a book in a burning movie theater.
 

Acupuncture involves the use of sterile hair-thin needles, precisely placed in special meridian points on the body. Acupuncture practitioners make a point of reminding you that you must commit to the entire procedure. You must stick it out.


But until the magic birthing hour arrives when your life as you have enjoyed it is officially over, sit back, lock your feet in the stirrups, (not you sir, I’m talking to your wife), and relax with these labor room no no’s:

All right, Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my epidural.  


1.  When her water breaks, it’s inappropriate to yell, “Thar she blows!”
 


2.
  Don’t flirt with the midwife during your wife’s labor pains, especially if the midwife is a male.


3.  Don’t ask the Obstetrician for directions to the nearest bar.

4.  You may be your wife’s labor coach, but leave the whistle in the waiting room.


5.  Don’t ask your wife for a “hit” off the spinal epidural.
 

6.  If the birth has to be induced, don’t bring in the jumper cables.
 

7.  Lamaze is not a French grandmother’s home for unwed girls.
 

8.  It is 11:55 PM on December 31 and your tax accountant is pounding on your wife’s belly to get the additional tax deduction for this year.
 

9.  Don’t use the leftover umbilical cord to show off your cowboy rope tricks.
 

10. “Look Honey, she has your big butt.”
 

11. If you have triplets, don’t say, “Well, there goes the boat I wanted.”
 

12. The La Leche League’s official theme song is Madonna’s “Express Yourself.”
 

13. “Gosh, I was really kinda hoping for a boy.”
 

14. “Doctor, what can we do about my wife's ugly stretch marks?”
 

15. It’s not appropriate to ask your wife to share when she’s breast-feeding.
 

16. I’m not saying the baby isn’t mine, but why is he wearing a mini Fed Ex uniform?
 

17. “I’m glad it’s a girl because you can finally get some help for your sorry cooking.”
 

18. “Let’s name her Shel Silverstein.”
 

19. If the baby doesn’t look like you, don’t use your cell phone to call Maury Povich.
 

20. Don’t bring in the Black and Decker to save money on circumcisions.
 

Don’t stop having babies. Retirees appreciate the new taxpayers coming on line to help fund their Social Security benefits.


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Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Velveeta Shortage

Forget ObamaCare, the economy, or privacy issues, we got real trouble here. We have a Velveeta Cheese Shortage.

Repeat: Super Bowl and the Winter Olympics are coming and NO Velveeta Cheese.

Some stores on the East Coast won’t be getting the cheese until February.
  The only reason offered for the shortage was driver’s demands.

Apparently, some truck drivers with families do not want to haul hazardous materials during snow and ice storms.


Can this lead to a run on cheese? Cheese usually tends to clog the bowels, but runs are still possible.


Nacho makers have started advertising their chips with guacamole or salsa options. Scientists will confirm, however, that these alternatives do not come close to the endorphin-producing effects of nacho chips covered in Velveeta Cheese.


Velveeta Cheese has always been a secret calming side dish of every death row inmate’s last meal. Prisoners blissfully meet their maker with nacho crumbs in their teeth and Velveeta on their breath.


Is Kraft actually limiting production in order to ramp up this Velveeta scare? If this is the case, all America
joins in one snack savoring supplication, “Kraft, please don’t cut the cheese.”


01-12-2014 Update: 

My BigMart Grocery Store had stack of Velveeta Cheese displayed in an aisle today. I suspect this was to boost our confidence in an uninterrupted supply of the Yellow Stuff. 

George Bailey did the same thing in It's a Wonderful Life? This time it is just a Wonderful Lie. I smell a rat ... or a mouse ... or publicity stunt.


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It's just that I want to show my mother-in-law the number of sane folks that read this blog. Actually, you really don't even have to be sane. 


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Friday, January 3, 2014

Today is Your Birthday

Happy Birthday to ya.      

First sign that the island
was not deserted.




Some Native Americans count their age by the number of moons as in "Dances with Clouds is 520 moons but she does not look a day over 390 moons."

In some parts of Mongolia, girls begin their age from the number of moons since their conception. Boys begin their age from the date of birth. So one moon after birth, the girl is about 10 moons old and the boy is one moon old.

In certain regions in China when the newborn arrives, he or she is already one year old. Every passing Lunar year adds another year to their age. Do they sing Happy Lunar New Year to You

If the new Lunar year arrived one month after birth, it would be possible to have a 2 year old that is actually only one month old.

Next we must address the strange theory that there is such a thing as a dog year. Supposedly one year in human terms equals 7 years in a dog’s life.

Ask a real dog lover how old his dog is. “I got him when he was a puppy about 12 years ago so old Duke here is 84 years old." 

How many of you just calculated 12 times 7 to make certain that old Duke really was 84?

We are asked to believe that our dog experiences 7 sunrises and 7 sunsets during one of our human days. Apparently, only dogs and some Hawaiian Tropic tanning girls are able to see these 7 sunrises and sunsets each day.

If a Galapagos Land Tortoise can live for 193 years, then he probably won’t even start dating until he is 40-years old, although a precocious tortoise may come out of his shell early to start a family.

This is a short essay by design since it’s your birthday. There are many well-wishers to interact with today along with some cake and ice cream and, hopefully, a special late night private birthday gift.

If you are still in elementary school or you are a precocious 42 year-old reading dog, the late night gift means you get to stay up late to watch Sponge Bob. 

Remember. 

You are not getting older; you are aging like fine wine and cheese. That means that the day after your birthday you will be hung over and constipated.

Wouldn't you like to receive the new posts in your own e-mail account? I promise I won't rent or sell your e-mail address because I don't know how to do that.

This is not a lifetime commitment. You can cancel any time. There is no charge.

It's just that I would like to be able to show my mother-in-law the number of sane folks that read this blog. Actually, you really don't even have to be sane. 


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See author's nationally award winning 
weekly newspaper humor column