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Monday, October 28, 2013

It's Time for a New Computer

If you are searching for 
I built this computer and now it just fired me.
serious answers and you are frustrated because your computer is trying to kill you, please look elsewhere. Thanks for stopping by. 

I hope you get your problems resolved before you have a stroke and your relatives gather in the hall to discuss possible loopholes in your will. 

If none of the above applies, then read on:

"Would you like to purchase the extended 2-year warranty for your new laptop computer?

There are only two answers to the question. If you are under age 50, your answer is, “No thank you. The state of the art computer that I am now buying will be obsolete after one year.”

If you are over age 50, your answer is: “No thank you. The state of the art computer that I am now buying will be obsolete after one year.”

I know. I know. The second answer is the same but you have the option to add the zinger, “I’ll have to check with my doctor first.”

You may, however, want to buy an extended warranty on the carrying case. The next laptop computer that you will have to buy next year will probably fit in the same carrying case.

There are always hints that something bad is going to happen: Cats leave the house before an earthquake. Strange looking bugs that you have never seen before start crawling up the outside walls of your house before a hurricane.

Your car lags a second when it starts, and then the battery dies 3 days later. Your husband is now using his manicure set that he received as a gift 7 years ago to keep his nails trimmed. He is taking guitar lessons and he will buy you a very expensive birthday present … the week before he leaves you.

If your husband fits the above description, it may just be a coincidence. My advice is to trust him completely … but get an attorney … NOW.

I lost my point somewhere back in the last 2 paragraphs. Ah, here is the point again: There will be several hints before your computer fails. Here are the top 11 warning signs that it's time to buy a new computer:

1. The pull-start rope just broke

2. Every time you sign on to your old Commodore computer, Lionel Ritchie’s cell
phone rings.

3. Are you thinking about upgrading to Windows Vista?

4. Are your IBM punch cards still on back-order?

5. You just got a pop-up window with an opportunity to download the latest new virus.

6. Warning: You do not have enough remaining memory to play “Pong.”

7. The kitchen is warm on cold mornings from the CRT monitor.

8. You have discovered a web site that will let you store all your children’s pictures for free.

9. A witch looking a lot like Steve Jobs in a black dress dropped by your front door offering you a free shiny apple. Too soon?

10. Did you think that the pills you bought on the Internet would help with a floppy disk problem?

11. Are the elderly library volunteers searching in closets and drawers because they lost their server?

Sunday, October 27, 2013

New Nose Grown on Head

A Chinese man is growing a replacement nose on his forehead. He damaged his first nose in, what can only described as, a honeymoon accident.

His doctors fashioned a new nose with tissue expanders, screws, and plates. They also added some of his rib cartilage to give the schnoz some structure.

The surgical team leader, Dr. Jack Frost, gave a special shout out to the Big Box Hardware store employee who conducted the Do It Yourself Nose Replacement Seminar early one Saturday morning.

When the new nose is ready, doctors will transplant it to the middle of his face and add nose hairs.  
Once a suitable matching donor dies, the surgeon will perform a delicate booger transplant. Future nose replacements may include small internal Febreze flaps for Funeral Directors and Bravo Channel TV critics.

Scientists are considering adding a long tube for skin diving enthusiasts, a bionic snorkel.

Friday, October 25, 2013

Senior Pick-Up Lines

What's a short name for Rhinoceros?
 How the heck do Iknow

We start to compromise the second we are born. Once we pry ourselves out of the womb, we can’t breathe through our gill slits anymore.

We compromise and give some air a try. Then we don’t make another concession to anyone for the next 2 years.

As unemployed workers or paycheck to paycheck families, we compromise: health insurance premiums or groceries?

In this instance the American Organization of Really Swell Health Insurance Companies has rescued us from this choice so that we can afford health insurance premiums AND food. Please contact them for their brochure, 101 Tasty Ways to Prepare Generic Cat Food.

Even the administrator of a Prostate Radiation Seed Implantation Facility recently fired their most popular nurse … because her ears glowed in the dark.

Throughout the rest of our lives, we have difficult choices to make and begin to lower our standards. When we are finally and fully compromised, we get to eat cornbread and real butter with Jesus, or sign on with Old Scratch for some eternal treading in the lake of fire (bring your asbestos floatie), or ___________ insert in the blank where you think you might be going after you have been voted off the island.

So if you can remember where you left your reading glasses and you have adjusted, (lowered), your standards accordingly, please consider these Senior Pick-Up Lines:

1. “Is that your Depends or are you just happy to see me?”

2. “Wanna see what the Prostate Fairy left me?”

3. “Come see me tonight. I’m in room uh, let’s see now, hmmm.”

4. “Don’t worry baby, I can cover that annual Medicare Part B deductible for you.”

5. “Hey fella, let’s see what you can do with that hand tremor.”

6. “You’ve got the body of Lily Lantry."

7. “I’d like to take you to a movie if I can find some place to cash these War Bonds." 

8. “I’ll show you my prostate scan if you’ll show me your mammogram.”

 9. “Hello beautiful. You look familiar.”
    “Yeah, I’m your daughter.”

10. Would you care to share an Oxygen tank?”

11. “Your hospital bed or mine?”

12. “I could gaze into your cataracts all night.”

13. “So what happens if I do buy 300 boxes of those Girl Scout Cookies?"

14. “You look like a young Mary Pickford. 

15. “Would you like to give those new hip replacements a test drive?”

16. “I can hook up my pacemaker to a 12 volt car battery and show you a real good time.”

17. “Can I get your granddaughter’s phone number?”

18. “Drop by my room and I’ll show you my Sweet N Low packet collection.”

19. “Can I buy you a bolus for your feeding tube?”

20. “Let’s get a hotel room and put the DO NOT RESUSCITATE sign on the door.”