Total Pageviews

Saturday, August 31, 2013

Clint Eastwood's Split


The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Clint Eastwood, 83, will be riding fences, shooting bad guys, and talking to empty chairs alone. He and his wife announced a separation after 17 years of marriage.

Actually, they have been living apart for over a year. Nobody knew because the entertainment media has been busy elsewhere.

The news slingers have been reporting on every Lindsay Lohan and Miley Cyrus bowel movement, including the precise GPS locations of each defecation.

What do you call the Paparazzi in Italy?

Some say Clint must not be the marrying kind. More like he’s not-the-stay-married-forever kind. 48 year-old Dina Eastwood says, "We still remain close, unless the traffic is backed up on State Route One. Then it takes me two hours to get to Clint’s house, (soon to be my house),”

No property settlement details yet. They have, however, agreed on their last names. “Ladies and Gentlemen. Let me introduce you to Clint East and Dina Wood.” 

Here are two quotes from Clint Eastwood:

“They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.”

“There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again.”

Hello McFly! … Dina Eastwood, do you think you could have seen this coming?

There is a 35 year age difference between the couple. There always has been. It may not mean much now, but actuarial studies indicate that when Dina Eastwood is 82, Clint will be 117, just before he dies.

Based on the duration of this marriage and the actuarial studies, Clint will remarry and divorce two more times. 

Send new posts directly to my E-Mail inbox.

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Friedhelm Hillebrand is AAK, Alive and Kicking

Matthew Broderick is often stopped … to sign Friedhelm Hillenbrand’s autograph.



F H I T

Friedhelm Hillebrand Invented Texting

Friedhelm, Fried, to his partying college buddies, is a German engineer and technical writer who invented texting in 1985. He needed a way to break up with his hot-tempered girlfriend. 
The maximum number of characters and spaces is 140. That’s the number that can still be managed while driving a car or monitoring aircraft from the control tower.
 

There are no royalties paid for text messages. Every time someone sends a text,  F G B D S G E N N N N Z Z.= Fried Gets Blank, Diddly Squat, Goose Egg, Nada, Naught, Nil, Nothing, Zero, Zip.

He has written a book about the creation of texting. The book costs $255.00. T T M M F A F B = That’s Too Much Money For A @#$%&! Book.

There are 857 characters in this post. Oh wait a minute. That doesn’t include this paragraph.

So now there are 961 characters and spaces in this post. Oh wait a minute. That doesn’t include this last paragraph.

So finally there are 1082 characters and spaces in this post. Oh wait a minute. That doesn’t include this …..

                                  BBN   


Sunday, August 25, 2013

The Royal Couple's Reality Show

ABC has confirmed: “The new Royal Family began filming last week in their Kensington Palace apartment. October 20, 2013 starts the new season premier of Celebrity Wife Swap.”

Back from vacation in Branson Missouri, Honey Boo Boo’s family began recording on this side of the pond.

Contrary to media reports, the Boo Boo family did not shorten His Royal Highness Prince George of Cambridge’s name to Bubba.

Prince William said, “The Duchess and I have discontinued suckling Honey Boo Boo with the Royal Boobs, although I still miss watching.” Duchess Kate refers to Honey Boo Boo as Honey Ow Ow.

Prince Will added, “We are unanimous is this breastfeeding decision. We would not change our minds for all the tea in Ceylon, I mean Sri Lanka. We still own Ceylon, I mean Sri Lanka, don’t we?”

Further updates:

The Duchess of Cambridge will continue to use her last name. She said, “It has been well established in public records as Middleton, even on Facebook and Classmates.com. Besides, I want to make sure I keep getting my Oprah magazine.”

Duke of Cambridge handlers have recently briefed him to never ever publicly say, “I swear on my mother’s grave” or “It’s to Di for.”


Saturday, August 24, 2013

Super Model Tazered

Super Model Christie Brinkley was 

I'm ready for my shroud,Mr. DeMille.

accidentally tazered by a doorman-bouncer outside an exclusive Hollywood nightclub for transvestites.

The bouncer didn’t recognize Ms. Brinkley and thought an over-dressed drag queen was just trying to cut in line.


Even after the super model was tazered, Christie Brinkley, age 59, was described by onlookers as "still shockingly stunning."


There is no reason to think that Christie Brinkley will ever read this, but if she does:


Girl, you still look 40 years younger than Billie Joel.


                     IRS knock knock joke

     "Knock, Knock."

   "Come in and take want you want."

Friday, August 23, 2013

Heidi Fleiss Marijuana

Heidi Fleiss has been growing Marijuana plants at her Nevada home. She is the 1990’s Brothel Madam of Ill Repute. Ill Repute is a small southern California town.

The County Sheriff confiscated two of the 400 plants for evidence. According to the sheriff, “The remaining plants were destroyed by my deputies over the course of three days, or it might have been four days, or it might have been five days. Some of the details are fuzzy about the actual plant dispatchations.”

The sheriff added, “Dispatchations is a mighty funny sounding word, doncha think?”


The authorities did not immediately arrest Ms. Fleiss because she was the only one there at the time to care for her expensive exotic birds. She was very cooperative throughout the investigation, to the point of giggling a lot.


Fleiss said, “I raise the Marijuana plants just for the seeds for my pretty birds. The nourishing seeds make them fly really, really, really really … uhh … high.” 


If you have questions or want to add a remark, please leave a comment. I would love to hear from you. I promise not to argue or belittle you. That's what my wife is for. Just kidding, Dear. 
 


See author's nationally award winning 
weekly newspaper humor column
 


Send new posts directly to your E-Mail inbox.
 


Contact: 
Bob Simpson

Largo, Florida

bobsimpson1947@yahoo.com

727-596-3458

Are BMW Drivers Jerks or Just Misunderstood?

Tony Little makes a lame remark,
"Come on. You Cane Do It."

According to recently released studies, BMW drivers are the worst offenders for not yielding or even stopping for pedestrians in crosswalks.

Rather than dispute these findings, BMW management has issued a statement: “We have always maintained that BMW really meant BUMP MULTIPLE WALKERS. 


We absolutely stand behind our products and customers. We certainly won’t stand in front of them.”


If you have questions or want to add a remark, please leave a comment. I would love to hear from you. I promise not to argue or belittle you. That's what my wife is for. Just kidding, Dear. 


See author's nationally award winning 
weekly newspaper humor column


Send new posts directly to your E-Mail inbox.


Contact:
Bob Simpson
Largo
, Florida 

bobsimpson1947@yahoo.com

727-596-3458