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Tuesday, May 9, 2017

E-I-E-I Odes to Animals

Listen up people. 

Remember your Vegetarian Pledges.

Consider the stylized painting of the forest creatures sitting together in peaceful harmony? No predators and no prey. The Lion sits with the Lamb, the Spider next to the Fly, the Senator next to the Intern, the College senior boy next to the College freshman girl.
This is but a moment in time, otherwise somebody will get hungry. In reality, at the first sound of the Lion’s grumbling stomach, the Lamb would quickly excuse himself from the table. The Fly would buzz away when the web started to spin. 
Unfortunately, the Senator and College senior boy will compromise the Intern and College freshman girl in a drunken foursome. 
Here are some verses to honor our animal friends. They are both Friends and Food. We are the Stewards and the Barbecue Masters:

My dog Ruff can’t walk too well
And he always tries to bite us.
His teeth are meaner than his bark
Because he has Arfritis.
My rodent is getting older
But wants to look light and breezy
So she colors her fur every week
With a rinse of Mice N Easy.
The Lamprey was reserved at parties
And never showed up for High Teas.
And when he did appear in public
He was shy, always eel at ease.

The lobster killed her mate.
The reason was unknown.
Her attorney is using the defense
Of The Buttered Wife Syndrome.
The old dog’s feet did swell
It was thought to be Arthritis
But when he took some aspirin
It cured his case of Fleabitus.

My snail took an assertive course
But it’s just too soon to tell
We don't know if he’s running away
Or just coming out of his shell.

My python is a monogamous snake
His girlfriend is so easy to please
They’ve been together 30 years
She still is his main squeeze.

The big bad wolf is short of breath.
The 3 little pigs are all smiles.
They say he has the C O P D,
From Coughing On Pig's Domiciles. 

My parrot watches TV religiously
Especially the 700 Club each day.
He stalks the cats in the yard
Since now he's a bird of pray.

My hog’s photos are on the web
I am far from being elated.
At least her pork loins
Were graphically Pigsalated.

My mongrel dog had a tremor
And would not let me pet her.
They treated her for Barkinson’s
And now she feels mutts better.

Gleefully prancing on the shore
The otter searched for fodder
To give to his new girlfriend,
His true significant otter. 

My budgie ate some fudgie
Which made his bowels run real slow.
And when he added marshmallows,
His farts smelled like hot cocoa.

The horse was hit by a truck
While he was still young and able.
They took him to the Vet
His condition now is stable.

If you can not find a mule,
A horse or a strong cow,
Then it certainly is not too cruel
For 600 hamsters to pull a plow.

Spring Break in the old oak tree,

The weather is starting to get mild.
Hide your acorns and your nuts
Because here it is: Squirrels Gone Wild.

A State Farm agent stole my gecko
And headed for the border.
The police never found the lizard
Because the LoJack was out of order.

My parakeet only eats fish
So he flies o’er the river in search
For any tasty minnow that he sees
Though his favorite fish is Perch.

There are so many homilies
About morals and where it’s at
But there are no clear-cut rules
On how to legally skin a cat.

Mary had a little lamb
That was born in west Latvia.

The little lamb snored all night
And suffered from sheep apnea.

There once was a rooster named Sam

Who thought he was a Virginia prized ham.
He was stalked and then shot
And cooked in a pot
And served as a leg of lamb.

My newspaper editor
Asked me to get the latest scoop,
But when I walked my dog last night
I only scooped the poop.

A man’s best friend
Truly is his trusty dog
Until the wife puts in white carpet
And the dog lays down a log.

Save the manatee, make no wake.

Prepare the table for evening seating.
Because if our boat kills a Sea Cow
They’re always good for eating.

Anybody out there draw like Shel Silverstein used to?

Contact me and we'll do a book together.

Saturday, September 26, 2015

Real Housewives Moves to Animal Planet Channel

Bravo Channel has announced that the Real Housewives series will be moving to the Animal Planet Channel. 
This decision comes after studies revealed that The Real Housewives shows are apparently about thin-skinned ageing drunk wolverines with push-up bras.    

Bravo is also joining with Animal Planet to incorporate cameo appearances of their Housewives stars into many of the Animal Planet’s line-up this fall. 

The Mostly Real Housewives
of New York City
Finding Bigfoot's first season opener include scenes of the Big Foot Trackers trying to return a prosthetic leg to Aviva of the Mostly Real Housewives of New York City. 

Aviva is gone this season. Rumor is that Bravo sent her hopping with her walking papers. The Big Foot trackers leave the stylish stump in the hands (the real hands) of the remaining gals.

Plans are to transfer the leg to a Do It Yourself cable show to use part of it to make a foot stool. 

The Real Housewives
of Beverly Hills
The Hillbilly Hand Fishing boys drop in on the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. One of the larger handed rednecks pokes his ungloved paw into a limousine window and tries to snatch a housewife. First, he chums the auto by tossing bottles of Grey Goose Vodka into the back seat. 

The action starts when something large and powerful encircles the country boy’s fishing hand and yanks the hillbilly into the dark back seat. Then the tinted window slides up and there are no more muffled sounds of a wounded animal. 

The Real Housewives
of New Jersey
Pit Bulls and Parolees feature the Parolees visiting Teresa Giudice from the Housewives of New Jersey. They make the special prison visit to offer Teresa moral support, but several of the ex-con women also inquire about the possibility of a conjugal visit. Teresa slips them special instructions that have something to do with hammers and her husband’s knees.

The Real Housewives
of Miami
Rhino Wars features a wild Rhino visiting the Real Housewives of Miami for some advice on some horn enhancement. The Rhinoceros has to be placed on antidepressants when the plastic surgeon informs her that her horn is only made of hair. “There is nothing I can do for your horn, but a tummy tuck certainly is in order.”

The Real Housewives
of Atlanta
Pete Nelson of TreeHouse Masters arrives to erect a tree house for the housewives of Atlanta. Phaedra catches Pete watching her as she climbs the Treehouse ladder. Pete Nelson goes home in shame because he made a comment about Phaedra’s Bodacious Bedonka Donka.

TreeHouse Masters fans will be happy to learn that Pete Nelson has recovered his eyesight from the temporary blindness he experienced when he raised his eyes up that Atlanta tree house ladder.

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Bob Simpson



Thursday, August 27, 2015

Sorry Humanity, I’m trying to quit …

The First Fist Bump Attempt

Throughout the Old Testament, God has always been characterized as a vengeful, wrathful, mercurial God. He is the one that commanded Abraham to kill his own son and then changed his mind. God laughed about that for a 1,000 years. ”You should have seen Abraham’s face. What a chump.”

Recent discovery of a lost scroll shows the reason that God was such a bastard during these times. He was real mean and ornery because he was trying to quit Smoting.

The Devil was still living at home in Heaven at the time. The falling out came later when Beelzebub borrowed God’s fiery chariot without asking and totaled it in a remote area of what is now Russia.

Old Scratch offered to hypnotize the Lord. “You are getting sleepy. You no longer feel the need to smite people, Willy Nilly.” Willy Nilly was a prototype of the first man. He was given free will and then God took it back. Hypnotism didn’t work because of that omnipotent thing that was going on.

Once the Lord got a handle on the smiting obsessions, he became a gentler God and was less likely to drop cascades of bloody toads on us poor folks down below. You should have seen how mad God became when he found out that his people were gathering the bloody toads and hickory smoking the little fellers. 

See author's nationally award winning weekly newspaper humor column

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Bob Simpson



Wednesday, July 1, 2015

15 Fireworks Thoughts and Questions for July Fourth

1. Do you like Jimmy Walker, but don’t 
remember why?

2. If you can’t afford fireworks, do you push your fingers into your eyes until you see the lights flash?

3. You know exactly how large a bandage you will need this year.

4. Do you think your eyebrows will ever grow back?

5. You know from personal experience never to buy another explosive duck decoy for your retriever.

6. Did you take out a payday loan to buy fireworks?

7. Do you try to reuse the sparklers from last year?

8. Have you ever bought a finale fireworks rocket called Mules Across America?

9. Did your bottle rockets come with last rites instructions?

10. The Emergency Room in your county waives the deductible for visits on July Fourth. 

11. Does your plastic surgeon offer a special Fourth of July wrinkle remover called BoomTox?

12. Do you include your fireworks in a sensible weight loss program?

13. Your friends now call you Lefty since last Fourth of July?

14. Did you buy your fireworks from a South American Mining Company?

15. Old firecrackers that just lay there and don't go off are called Baby Boomers.

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Bob Simpson



Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Kitty Ma, Pine Needles, and John Denver

PINELLAS, Point of Pines in Spanish. If you speak Spanish you know the two words. If you don’t speak Spanish, you don’t need to know them. You will probably mispronounce them in a way that will get you slapped, killed, or happily engaged to a school lunchroom employee in Miami.

Like our Pinellas pine needles, aloft or fallen, I have a point and we’ll get to it sometime soon, maybe.

Kitty Ma McLeod was a middle-class, Victorian woman. She brought up 3 boys, Norman, Hamilton, and my grandfather Robyn. Kitty Ma’s nimble, bony fingers, the blue veined mittens, fashioned hot plate trivets, coiled from humble pine needles and raffia. It was magic.

There was a folk craft renaissance of pine needle coiling in the early 1900’s. Many well-dressed, corseted ladies took classes. The art was already ancient, even when Kitty Ma was young. South Carolina barrier island folk made sweet grass coiled baskets years before the trussed-up ladies of the 1900’s appropriated the art.

Even the late John Denver wove pine needle baskets whenever he was on the road. He carried two guitar cases, one for his guitar and the other filled with crisp, golden brown pine needles and Madagascar raffia. At least that’s what he told the Customs Man.

         Lubbock, Texas airport, early 1967

A young John Denver is on board a commercial flight to Montana. He has pine needles and raffia with him, busily creating a new basket. Sitting in a window seat waiting for his plane to take off, John notices a Texas thunderstorm coming.

Rain is pelting the window. He wistfully watched for a while and returns to weaving his pine needle basket.
Then it comes to him. Finally, we have arrived, to the point of all of this:

Mr. Denver grins, leans back, and sings, 

“I’m weaving on a wet plane.”

Did you think that Peter Paul and Mary wrote that song?
Well, you are wrong.

Here is a subject for comments. Who do you like the best?

John Denver
Denver Pyle
Gomer Pyle?


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Bob Simpson



Saturday, May 23, 2015

10 Distinct Thoughts on Boogers

Hey Lincoln, did the sculptor give you any arms or hands?
I need somebody to scratch my nose.

This is not an all-inclusive-everything-you-ever-wanted-to-know-about Boogers report. Check with the Pueblo Documents Distribution Center in Pueblo Colorado.  There are several government studies available there on Boogers. Take your pick. What … you didn’t think I would use that joke?

1. I woke up this morning with a firmly packed booger on my hand, specifically on my thumb, specifically on my right thumb.

2. Normally, I would rise from bed and deliver the booger to the toilet bowl since I go that way anyway. This morning I was surprised to find no urgency to go anywhere. “But I have this booger on my finger and I can’t just flick it over the bed covers and onto the floor, even if I am a man.”

3. Mr. Booger appeared when I sneezed. This was not one of those honkers from a Cold or the Flu, the ones that leave a large yellow jellyfish quivering in your cupped palms.

4. I live in Florida, which is the finest state to reside to remain Booger-free. We have high humidity so boogers don’t form easily. Other states with low humidity, dust storms, or air pollution are where the boogers do grow. That was a 1955 Hank Aring country/folk song: I’m Agoing Out West Where the Boogers Do Grow.

I wonder why my
cell phone is so sticky.

5. My nose is an older schnoz, filled with coarse jungle overgrowth. When it gets cold in Florida and we crank up the heat, then we experience scattered boogers with a chance of intermittent snoring throughout the early morning hours.

6. The first evidence of booger-forming people appeared in the Fertile Crescent. They were hunter/gatherers … and pickers. Don’t mix this up with the Fertile Croissant. That was one busy French tart that visited every lonely soldier just outside of Waterloo in 1815. After contact with this woman, the soldiers had trouble passing water in the loo.

7. Whales never form boogers because they live in the watery environment of the ocean. Their blowholes are damper than a burka in hay fever season.   

8. The Grapes of Wrath original title was Dust Bowl Booger Pickers. “Once we get to Cal-aye-fornee, we can pick our boogers in public.”

9. The IRRC, Institute for the Recovery and Reuse of Cocaine, is investigating the harvesting and repurposing of cocaine-laden boogers. The Booger Fairy will visit California mansions with a burlap bag and a pair of stainless steel forceps for late night collections.

10. Some day, office bathrooms will not be the only sanctuary where a Booger Hoarder can relax. He, and yes there are also female Booger Hoarders, has a favorite stall in the office bathroom, where he displays his boogers on the inside panel of the stall door.

A collection can swell to over 350 boogers if the building cleaning crew takes the attitude, “Whoa. That’s not our job to remove and clean nasal production artwork on a stall door.”
I give you permission to translate that last quote into whatever oppressed people’s language you think is appropriate.



I hope you enjoyed this bit of nosetalgia.

Until that liberating day when a picker can come out from behind his newspaper or bathroom stall, polite society will continue to look down or more likely look up into the boulder-laden noses of these nares-do-wells.


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Bob Simpson

Largo, Florida


Do you have a booger story to share? Add a comment. The grosser, the better. 

Saturday, May 16, 2015

8 Rules for Pancakes

Wilford Brimley's Breakfast
for Bronco Busters


Ladles and Griddlemen

There  are at least eight rules listed below for pancake enjoyment. 

I didn't give them numbers because I didn't feel like it. If you would like to print this and add numbers to your own personal copy, then I think you should do just that.

They are called hot cakes. Please ... Serve them HOT.

Pancake Eaters: Have some respect. Be at the table, buttering and syruping up those flapjacks, within one minute of them leaving the cast iron skillet.

Serve real butter at room temperature, but melt the butter if you are eating pancakes in an igloo. Never offer margarine with pancakes. Only salted real butter is allowed.

Place crisp warm endless bacon 
within reach of the pancakes.

Within Six Degrees of  a
Normal Hemoglobin A1C

If you serve turkey bacon, then you might as well supply margarine or “I can’t Believe It’s Not Crap.”

Pouring a small amount of real maple syrup into a bottle of Karo syrup is not acceptable. Either pony up for the 100% maple syrup or use some good old sugar cane syrup on those flapjacks.

Syrup with butter flavor is an abomination and classed together with other combo foods such as hot dogs with injected cheese sauce or peanut butter and jelly occupying the same jar. Folks that use these products often will order pizza with pineapple topping. These same people would want to know what wine to serve with little barbecue sausages.

Pancake Theory One from a 1994 epiphany at the IHOP on Dale Mabry Ave. in Tampa Florida. Whatever you do in the first thirty minutes after eating pancakes is what you end up doing for the rest of the day
. Normally the writer would explain what IHOP means but if you don’t know, then you should be toasting generic-brand frozen waffles … alone.

Do not discard pancakes in the backyard as if they were crusts of old bread. It’s disturbing to have to watch fat squirrels in the morning monitoring their blood sugar levels.

If you have questions or want to add your own rules or favorite pancake story, add a comment. I would like to hear from you.

I promise not to argue or belittle you. That's what my wife is for. Just kidding Dear. 

See author's nationally award winning weekly newspaper humor column

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Bob Simpson
Largo, Florida