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Saturday, September 27, 2014

Stephen Hawking says “There is no Cod”

Cod is Dead ... and Deep Fried

British physicist Steven Hawking has claimed that “There is no Cod.” He believes that "science offers the most reasonable explanation" for Long John Silver's decision to remove Cod from their menu.

Hawking suffers from a motor neuron disease similar to ALS, Acute Limey Syndrome. He’s English you know. Part of the treatment for ALS is a daily serving of fish.

Hawking does believe, however, that "Tartar Sauce is Absolutely Divine," an allusion to a possible deity-like entity capable of producing that tasty condiment so necessary for the enjoyment of a nice piece of fish.

Professor Hawking announced that due to the removal of Cod from the menu, he will “Never again set foot in a Long John Silver’s restaurant.”

Stephen Hawking divorced his first wife, who took care of him and guided his wheelchair everywhere. When asked why he divorced her, he said, “She was just too pushy.

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Saturday, September 13, 2014

High School Wrestling Leads to Increase in Same-Sex Marriages

Rikki, don't lose that number.

Scientists have found a correlation between states with well-funded high
school wrestling programs and an increase 
in subsequent same-sex marriages. 

The researchers were quick to note that further investigation is still required. “We still have thousands of hours of films of young sweaty boys grab-assing to review and study before coming to any final conclusion.”

In the meantime, new rules for grappling games have been promulgated throughout the country, based on these preliminary findings: 

o      The high school referee will end the match immediately if he hears both wrestlers giggling. 

o      Coaches, do not teach wrestling holds based on the Karma Sutra.

o      Never allow a match between conjoined twins, no matter how amusing you think it might be.

o      Greco Roman is not to be confused with Gecko Roman. If there is a lizard spotted in the match, charges of indecent exposure may result.

o      Discrete use of cell phone cameras is still allowed.

o      At no time, should hands ever disappear from view.

o      If you experience a wrestling match for longer than four hours, contact your healthcare provider immediately … or get a room.

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