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Friday, November 8, 2013

Why the Woman Will Not Date You

I'm not interested, but maybe
you should call my brother.

If men really knew what women were thinking, we would all retreat to our caves to spend more time playing with model trains and hand cream.
Here are real reasons why the woman will not date you.

1. She vows never to call you back and then slams the convent door on you.

2. She points to her wedding ring and then taps her 8 ½ months pregnant belly.

3. She is a Playboy Bunny and you are not a rich 95 year-old man.

4. Your sister says, “Leave me alone or I’m telling Mom.”

5. Your mother says, “Leave me alone or I’m telling your father.”

6. The inflatable doll has an air leak and won’t sleep with you because she’s exhausted.

7. You have one tooth and she has two.

8. She says, “Please leave now. The visiting hours are over at the hospice.”

9. She runs your Valentine card through the paper shredder while you are still standing there.

10. Her T-shirt reads “Ladies Professional Golf Association.

11. She says, “Maybe you should give my brother a call.”

12. She says, “I have a strict policy of dating within my own species.”

13. She says, “I’ll order a drink for you. What wine goes with Pepper Spray?”

14. She asks to borrow your cell phone to call an ambulance … that you will soon need.

15. “Are you sure that you want to date me? Won’t your sister get jealous?”

16. “Is that a toothpick in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

17. She asks, “Would you like to go back to my place to play Ugly Aztec Man Chained to an Altar?”

18. “No, I won’t go to supper with you because I just purged. But would you like a big sloppy good night kiss?”

19. She reprogrammed your GPS to go to hell.

20. “No, you can not buy me a drink … and put down that gun.”

21. She asks, “Were there any other survivors from the horrible disfiguring accident that you had?”

22. You have a gold compass hanging from around your neck, but she still tells you to get lost.

23. Her personal telephone number that she just gave you starts with area code 666.

24. She asks, “Can you go someplace else to smell bad?”

25. The Polynesian girl tells you that she is saving herself for the volcano.