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Saturday, May 23, 2015

10 Distinct Thoughts on Boogers

Hey Lincoln, did the sculptor give you any arms or hands?
I need somebody to scratch my nose.

This is not an all-inclusive-everything-you-ever-wanted-to-know-about Boogers report. Check with the Pueblo Documents Distribution Center in Pueblo Colorado.  There are several government studies available there on Boogers. Take your pick. What … you didn’t think I would use that joke?

1. I woke up this morning with a firmly packed booger on my hand, specifically on my thumb, specifically on my right thumb.

2. Normally, I would rise from bed and deliver the booger to the toilet bowl since I go that way anyway. This morning I was surprised to find no urgency to go anywhere. “But I have this booger on my finger and I can’t just flick it over the bed covers and onto the floor, even if I am a man.”

3. Mr. Booger appeared when I sneezed. This was not one of those honkers from a Cold or the Flu, the ones that leave a large yellow jellyfish quivering in your cupped palms.

4. I live in Florida, which is the finest state to reside to remain Booger-free. We have high humidity so boogers don’t form easily. Other states with low humidity, dust storms, or air pollution are where the boogers do grow. That was a 1955 Hank Aring country/folk song: I’m Agoing Out West Where the Boogers Do Grow.

I wonder why my
cell phone is so sticky.

5. My nose is an older schnoz, filled with coarse jungle overgrowth. When it gets cold in Florida and we crank up the heat, then we experience scattered boogers with a chance of intermittent snoring throughout the early morning hours.

6. The first evidence of booger-forming people appeared in the Fertile Crescent. They were hunter/gatherers … and pickers. Don’t mix this up with the Fertile Croissant. That was one busy French tart that visited every lonely soldier just outside of Waterloo in 1815. After contact with this woman, the soldiers had trouble passing water in the loo.

7. Whales never form boogers because they live in the watery environment of the ocean. Their blowholes are damper than a burka in hay fever season.   

8. The Grapes of Wrath original title was Dust Bowl Booger Pickers. “Once we get to Cal-aye-fornee, we can pick our boogers in public.”

9. The IRRC, Institute for the Recovery and Reuse of Cocaine, is investigating the harvesting and repurposing of cocaine-laden boogers. The Booger Fairy will visit California mansions with a burlap bag and a pair of stainless steel forceps for late night collections.

10. Some day, office bathrooms will not be the only sanctuary where a Booger Hoarder can relax. He, and yes there are also female Booger Hoarders, has a favorite stall in the office bathroom, where he displays his boogers on the inside panel of the stall door.

A collection can swell to over 350 boogers if the building cleaning crew takes the attitude, “Whoa. That’s not our job to remove and clean nasal production artwork on a stall door.”
I give you permission to translate that last quote into whatever oppressed people’s language you think is appropriate.



I hope you enjoyed this bit of nosetalgia.

Until that liberating day when a picker can come out from behind his newspaper or bathroom stall, polite society will continue to look down or more likely look up into the boulder-laden noses of these nares-do-wells.


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Bob Simpson

Largo, Florida


Do you have a booger story to share? Add a comment. The grosser, the better.