My Funny Valentine Just Turned Ugly

Sometimes ...
Love Feels Like the Flu

Does anyone see that these
 two pieces would not fit together?

Valentine gift suggestions in the ladies magazines are harder to find than Lindsay Lohan's current mailing
address.

Subliminal gift hints are buried in the shiny multi-sheet tundra of full page ads with expressionless, hungry women alluding to vague and ambiguous products for sale.

These magazines, otherwise, lean toward thought-provoking prose of 37 secrets your man wants you to know about him and, apparently, at least one secret that he does not want you to know. It involves alone time and hand lotion. 

I am probably resentful because my wife spends $5.99 for each of her magazines, so there’s no money left for just one of my favorite inexpensive fact-filled woodworking magazines.

Take a break from the pressure of buying an inappropriate gift and having to apologize for your ineptness for the rest of your life. Relax and enjoy these 20 reasons why Valentines Day can turn ugly:

1. Your Valentine Day gift to your diabetic girlfriend was a joke glucose meter. 

2. You gave your girlfriend a book called You Don’t Have to Look as Old as You Are. 

3. She gave you a book called Learning to Cook for One.

4. The Valentine card from your wife includes a change of address form for one with your name already added.

5. The giant box of assorted gourmet chocolates still has the Dollar Store label.

6. She gave you 12 roses. You gave her an empty vase.

7. Your girlfriend hangs a Do Not Resuscitate sign on your hospital bed.

8. When you opened your Valentine card it said, “Whatever.”

9. The wife just joined a Singles Club.

10. You received a Valentine card with your name written on top of some dried Wite-Out.

11. The candy you gave your girlfriend is from Halloween … two years ago.

12. A case of dental floss is not a good Valentine gift unless your boyfriend currently wears the Corn On The Cob Eating World Championship Belt.

13. Her dog was sick so you bought her a pink ceramic doghouse cremation urn.

14. “But you said we weren’t going to get each other Valentine gifts this year.”

15. Her Valentine’s gift to you was a cup holder for your dirt bike. This one is not funny. I left it on the list so you would appreciate the good ones.

16. Your husband gave you a heart-shaped bathroom scale and a Weight Watchers membership.

17. You and your girlfriend were looking at engagement rings with a jeweler and then you used the term “lower price point.”

18. Your Valentine gift to her was a list of chores that you would do for her and she said, “That’s cute but really… where is my Valentine gift?”

19. You sent a Valentine card to your sweetheart again this year, signing off with the valediction of “Best Wishes.”

20. You gave a Lane Bryant gift certificate to your pregnant wife.

So, I hope that these helpful hints will get you through Valentines Day without one of those embarrassing restraining orders placed on you ... again.

Remember.

It is not the thought that counts.                                                                 It is the correct thought that counts.

Bob Simpson

Bobsimpson1947@yahoo.com