Labor Room NO NO’s

I don't know nothing about paying
no health insurance deductibles. 

I hate delivering these Breech Births.

Labor rooms have evolved from cave floors to muted pastel walls and soft indirect lighting in modern high-rise family birthing suites with scenic panoramic landscapes from every window. A Womb with a View.

An adventuresome couple can opt for a water birth, especially if the original conception occurred in a hot tub, swimming pool, or on a Slip ‘n Slide.

Is it a coincidence that June, the favorite month for weddings, is also National Slip 'N Slide Month? Take your bride for a ride on the Slip ‘n Slide. 

The water-birthed baby slides out effortlessly into a warm water surrounding, enjoying an almost weightless stopover before crawling out onto the shore. If it is done correctly, then you never need the two tiny air tanks and regulator.

Hypnotherapy is the use of hypnosis in childbirth. The first book on this subject Children without Fear was written in 1942 by an English obstetrician named, (I am not making this name up), Dr. Grantly Dick-Read.

He said that fear was the culprit that caused the pain in childbirth. The only real childbirth fear today is the cost of raising one child through the college years: 1.1 million dollars. 

A Hypnotherapy birth is not considered a trance. The experience is similar to that feeling when you are focused on reading a book, enjoying a movie, or staring into a fire. 

The Ultimate Hypnotherapy birth feeling: Reading a book in a burning movie theater. 

Acupuncture involves the use of sterile hair-thin needles, precisely placed in special meridian points on the body. Acupuncture practitioners make a point of reminding you that you must commit to the entire procedure. You must stick it out.

But until the magic birthing hour arrives when your life as you have enjoyed it is officially over, sit back, lock your feet in the stirrups, (not you sir, I’m talking to your wife), and relax with these labor room no no’s:

All right, Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my epidural.  

1.  When her water breaks, it’s inappropriate to yell, “Thar she blows!” 

2.  Don’t flirt with the midwife during your wife’s labor pains, especially if the midwife is a male.

3.  Don’t ask the Obstetrician for directions to the nearest bar.

4.  You may be your wife’s labor coach, but leave the whistle in the waiting room.

5.  Don’t ask your wife for a “hit” off the spinal epidural. 

6.  If the birth has to be induced, don’t bring in the jumper cables. 

7.  Lamaze is not a French grandmother’s home for unwed girls. 

8.  It is 11:55 PM on December 31 and your tax accountant is pounding on your wife’s belly to get the additional tax deduction for this year. 

9.  Don’t use the leftover umbilical cord to show off your cowboy rope tricks. 

10. “Look Honey, she has your big butt.” 

11. If you have triplets, don’t say, “Well, there goes the boat I wanted.” 

12. The La Leche League’s official theme song is Madonna’s “Express Yourself.” 

13. “Gosh, I was really kinda hoping for a boy.” 

14. “Doctor, what can we do about my wife's ugly stretch marks?” 

15. It’s not appropriate to ask your wife to share when she’s breast-feeding. 

16. I’m not saying the baby isn’t mine, but why is he wearing a mini Fed Ex uniform? 

17. “I’m glad it’s a girl because you can finally get some help for your sorry cooking.” 

18. “Let’s name her Shel Silverstein.” 

19. If the baby doesn’t look like you, don’t use your cell phone to call Maury Povich. 

20. Don’t bring in the Black and Decker to save money on circumcisions. 

Don’t stop having babies. Retirees appreciate the new taxpayers coming on line to help fund their Social Security benefits.

Bob Simpson

Bobsimpson1947@yahoo.com