Skydiving Warning Tips

Hey. Was that Tom Petty
that just went by?

Do you have strong ankles?

Do regular passenger airlines landings leave you bored? Have you had the urge to jump out of a plane with a jump instructor … for fun?

Maybe it’s time to strap one on. No, not a jump instructor, I mean strap on a parachute.

Warning: You are not considered a thrill-seeker if the aircraft is still sitting in the hangar when you leap out.

We’re talking about hopping out of an airborne aircraft at 10,000 feet with a fully functioning parachute above a relatively un-soft Kmart parking lot. There is less danger of landing on a parked car there. You can tell when Kmart is open and fully staffed because there are 15 bicycles on the sidewalk and 2 cars in the parking lot.

Man has always wanted to soar and dive like the eagle while many an eagle has wished it could drive a 4 wheeled stick-shift Jeep through the Baja Peninsula. Conversely, women and a few men have always wanted to serve beverages and snacks at 35,000 feet.

So, update your life insurance policy, check your rigging, and cancel the extended warranty you bought on that ten dollar calculator.

If you’re still up in the air on this skydiving thing, then first read these skydiving warning tips. Soon you will be careening toward a new adventure in no time flat:

WARNING

1.  The Jump Master’s name is Splaat.

2.  The other jumpers are all wearing patient bracelets from the Hospice.

3.  Vultures are surrounding the bull’s-eye target on the ground.

4.  The Jump Club has gone green with new, yet untested, biodegradable parachutes.

5.  The pilot gives you the famous war movie speech, “Some of you won’t be coming back.”

6.  If Geronimo had ever jumped out of an aircraft, he would not have screamed his own name, especially when he realized that he was wearing a papoose instead of a parachute.

7.  “Free Skydiving lesson. No strings attached.”

8.  The stand-by ambulance at the landing zone looks a lot like a Hearse.

9.  The plane taxies past Rod Serling talking to a camera.

10. In the Divorce Proceeding Skydive Special, the wife always gets the one parachute.

11. The jump master is still on parole for pushing a knapsack-wearing boy scout by mistake.

12. The jump instructor says, “P P P P P Pu Pu Pu Pull the ri ri ri ri rip co co co co cord. Ne Ne Ne Ne Never mi mi mi mi mi mind.”

13. The same company makes Parachutes and Shrouds. Coincidence?

14. The grounds crew is going to charge you extra if you jump with a full bowel.

15. Planning a live birth skydive? Don’t forget the Fisher Price parachute for the newborn.

16. If your chute doesn’t open, the suit of bubble wrap is not going to help you.

17. “There’s something I wanted to tell you guys before you jumped but I forgot. Oh well, it probably wasn’t very important. You go ahead and jump. Maybe I’ll remember it later.”

18. If you Drink and Dive, you must demonstrate that you can fall in a straight line.

19. You are too low to jump if the ants you see on the ground really are ants.

20. There is no refund owed to the absent-minded skydiver's next of kin.

Bob Simpson

Bobsimpson1947@yahoo.com