You Booked the Wrong Flight

We're going down.
Fast forward to the end of the movie.

You and 3,200 of none of your closest friends are at the air- port waiting in line to get to the gate. 

Most of you are hoping to escape a degrading body pat-down

while one or two of you are secretly hoping to visit the Special Frisking Room.

You could be vacation bound, or a holiday traveler, or an extradited prisoner returning to Indiana on a 40-year outstanding warrant for writing a stupid song about Indiana Wants Me.

You are finally on-board, taxiing toward the runway, and then things start getting interesting, the same way that acupuncture is interesting. Here are some clues that you booked the wrong flight:

1. There will a slight delay. The co-pilot can not find his credit card for the fuel charges.

2. Don’t worry; there are plenty of breathing holes in the overhead storage compartments for your newborn baby.

3. The flight attendants from the 1980’s are the very same flight attendants today. “Coffee, Tea, or Metamucil?”

4. Regular fare passengers can bring one carry on. First class passengers may carry on with one flight attendant.

5. TONKA manufactured the refueling truck.  

6. Intercom: “We all want to congratulate the co-pilot Bob Snyder on his first take-off since returning from Rehab … again. We wish him well on the upcoming landing.”

7. We offer urinary catheters for rent during this long flight. Ask about our “Share a Bag with your Neighbor plan.”

8. When the oxygen mask drops from the overhead due to loss of cabin pressure, you must have exact change.

9. There is no beverage service because there are no restrooms. The passengers may not use the crew member’s restroom because it is too dangerous … and too windy.

10. The depressed pilot’s beautiful wife and 3 children just left him.

11. If you are allergic to peanuts, please sit in the Coughing and Choking section.

12. The pilots will not be available for consultation during Automatic-Pilot Nap Time.

13. Once the plane is safely on the ground, the crew will be asking for donations for the airport landing fee.

14. The Entrance sign to the cockpit is written in Braille.

15. You can find photos of your recent TSA airport body scan on your Facebook account.

16. The airsickness bags are now reusable and reversible.

17. Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. Ladies and gentlemen, this is your …

18. Emergency Exit Doors are marked “This way to Hell.”

19. If you are prone to blood clots in your legs, feel free to rest your feet in the convenient overhead stirrups.

20. The flotation device under your seat will work just as well as it did in the last crash at sea.

21. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. Our lavatories don’t have doors.

22. Please proceed to the nearest emergency exit. Women and children first, then men, then crew members, and finally any remaining Real Housewives of Atlanta.

23. The captain’s father was the love child of Wiley Post and Amelia Earhart.

24. The airline president is on the No Fly List.

25. Please remain seated if you’re continuing on with us to the spacecraft that is trailing Comet Hale-Bopp.

Bob Simpson

Bobsimpson1947@yahoo.com