Resume’ Update

Your resume' says you have over
30 years experience working with dirt.

You have a job and do it well. You like it and the boss likes you.

You work indoors and there is no heavy lifting involved. The atmosphere in the office is cordial; everyone looks out for everyone else.

There is a new ergonomic chair and a desk with a computer and two monitors in your office. The office is nicely air conditioned and there are pleasant accommodations for snacks and lunches.

The office building has more than a sufficient number of always-working elevators in the lobby. There is an adjoining free parking garage and a subsidized preschool daycare center on the second floor.
 
So why do you feel restless?

There might be something better out there, maybe more money, more benefits, or closer to home. You want to update your resume’ and let her fly out to the unknown wondrous opportunities beyond your field of vision.

Go ahead and update that resume’. Later I will have some warnings on what to leave off those resume's.

Do NOT prepare or update a resume’ on the company computer. It WILL be found. Your name will go to the head of the list that is being worked on in the Human Resources Department. That list is part of the company contingency plan in case things start going badly and layoffs become necessary.

You will never know that you made this prestigious dead-man-walking list. Even if you save the company a million dollars with one of your ideas, your name will still remain on that list.

Do I have to describe how it feels to be sitting at home waiting for the first of a very few small unemployment compensation checks? Your first puny guvment check is in your mailbox underneath the pile of overdue bills.

There is some hope for unemployed workers. Once a month, you may schedule an appointment at the food stamp office. They will issue you a fresh new piece of cardboard for your “I will work for food” sign.

Here below are 20 hints to help you update that resume’ (AT HOME):

1. Erase the line, “Come on. What have you got to lose?”

2. References: Delete the name of your parole officer.

 3. Don’t use the e-mail address “Disgruntled@unemployed.com.” 

4. Reasons for leaving last job should not include the pending sexual harassment charges.

5. Eligible for rehire at your last job: Don’t mention how cold it will have to be in hell.

6. Name of your old boss: Don’t call him Mr. Stab-In-The-Back Johnson.

 7. “Ability to work with others” is better than “Easy to get it on with.”

 8. Previous duties: Remove the answer “Working for the Man.”

 9. Your future employer does not need to know that you have to use public transportation since the DUI conviction.

10. Delete the sentence that says, “Need 10 days notice before any drug test.” 

11. Don’t mention that your salary is negotiable now that both of your sons are in prison for life. 

12. Delete the letter of recommendation from your court-appointed anger management coach. 

13. The 5 year gap in employment should not be explained as, “That drug problem is pretty much behind me now.” 

14. Do not use the nickname Studmeister.

15. Delete the bankruptcy information since it is filed under your wife’s name. 

16. Remove the information about your old company’s bowling team and how hot the babes were.

17. Delete your bathroom preferences. 

18. Don’t brag that your grandparents and parents have all passed on so you will never need any time off for funerals. Also remove the follow-up “except for my own funeral. Ha Ha.” 

19. Don’t offer that you will wear a stupid tie if you have to.

20. Remove the information about your voluntary participation in the ongoing medical study on Syphilis.

Bob Simpson

Bobsimpson1947@yahoo.com