Homeowner Tips

Be careful. I think some
Stoners live down there.

There are more than a hundred disclaimers or warnings when you purchase a house. Please consult an attorney before you sign off on that sinkhole waiver for your new home in Sunken Acres.

The warning you will never receive is that there is unbridled competition lying just below the lush Saint Augustine grassed lawns along your new boulevard.

Mowing the lawn is similar to nuclear fusion. Mow your lawn; neighbors will immediately begin mowing their own lawns. Wash your car and all the other cars on the block are suddenly wet and soapy.

Prove my point. Buy an airboat and park it in your carport. Next week your neighbor will have an airboat in his carport and the propeller will be larger than your little prop.

You must join the homeowner’s association. This organization formalizes the Yard of the Month, the Best Halloween decorated yard, and the best Christmas Lights Display competition.

Somehow, you will survive all the subtle competition until that one morning when you put the house on the market. That is the day after you discovered that all the neighborhood wives have breast implants.

You are a single male homeowner who revels in the hunt, the quest, the competition, but you must either move out of the neighborhood or start shopping for a plastic surgeon and a bra.

Here are some tips for the new home owner:

1. Beware of any interior decorator who claims to have a black belt in Feng-Shui.

2. A painted Styrofoam barbecue pit will still impress the next-door neighbors, until you can afford a real brick one.

3. A mailbox painted to look like a doll house is cute. Painting your new home to resemble a massive mailbox is not cute.

4. Your property value is indirectly proportional to the number of aluminum lawn chairs sitting in your carport.

5. Don’t use the public utilities transformer in the front yard as a picnic warming tray.

6. If the roof leaks, you can always find good cheap help at a Shingles Club.

7. You can consider killing crab grass and chinch bugs as an official summer sport.

8. There shouldn’t be any left-over fan blades after you install a ceiling fan.

9. If you want to win “Yard of the Month”, don’t store an airboat in the front yard.

10. Parking more than 3 skateboard ramps in your driveway is just showing off.

Bob Simpson

Bobsimpson1947@yahoo.com

Why the Woman Will Not Date You

I'm not interested, but maybe
you should call my brother.

If men really knew what women were thinking, we would all retreat to our caves to spend more time playing with model trains and hand cream.
Here are real reasons why the woman will not date you.

1. She vows never to call you back and then slams the convent door on you.

2. She points to her wedding ring and then taps her 8 ½ months pregnant belly.

3. She is a Playboy Bunny and you are not a rich 95 year-old man.

4. Your sister says, “Leave me alone or I’m telling Mom.”

5. Your mother says, “Leave me alone or I’m telling your father.”

6. The inflatable doll has an air leak and won’t sleep with you because she’s exhausted.

7. You have one tooth and she has two.

8. She says, “Please leave now. The visiting hours are over at the hospice.”

9. She runs your Valentine card through the paper shredder while you are still standing there.

10. Her T-shirt reads “Ladies Professional Golf Association.

11. She says, “Maybe you should give my brother a call.”

12. She says, “I have a strict policy of dating within my own species.”

13. She says, “I’ll order a drink for you. What wine goes with Pepper Spray?”

14. She asks to borrow your cell phone to call an ambulance … that you will soon need.

15. “Are you sure that you want to date me? Won’t your sister get jealous?”

16. “Is that a toothpick in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

17. She asks, “Would you like to go back to my place to play Ugly Aztec Man Chained to an Altar?”

18. “No, I won’t go to supper with you because I just purged. But would you like a big sloppy good night kiss?”

19. She reprogrammed your GPS to go to hell.

20. “No, you can not buy me a drink … and put down that gun.”

21. She asks, “Were there any other survivors from the horrible disfiguring accident that you had?”

22. You have a gold compass hanging from around your neck, but she still tells you to get lost.

23. Her personal telephone number that she just gave you starts with area code 666.

24. She asks, “Can you go someplace else to smell bad?”

25. The Polynesian girl tells you that she is saving herself for the volcano.

Bob Simpson

Bobsimpson1947@yahoo.com

Skydiving Warning Tips

Hey. Was that Tom Petty
that just went by?

Do you have strong ankles?

Do regular passenger airlines landings leave you bored? Have you had the urge to jump out of a plane with a jump instructor … for fun?

Maybe it’s time to strap one on. No, not a jump instructor, I mean strap on a parachute.

Warning: You are not considered a thrill-seeker if the aircraft is still sitting in the hangar when you leap out.

We’re talking about hopping out of an airborne aircraft at 10,000 feet with a fully functioning parachute above a relatively un-soft Kmart parking lot. There is less danger of landing on a parked car there. You can tell when Kmart is open and fully staffed because there are 15 bicycles on the sidewalk and 2 cars in the parking lot.

Man has always wanted to soar and dive like the eagle while many an eagle has wished it could drive a 4 wheeled stick-shift Jeep through the Baja Peninsula. Conversely, women and a few men have always wanted to serve beverages and snacks at 35,000 feet.

So, update your life insurance policy, check your rigging, and cancel the extended warranty you bought on that ten dollar calculator.

If you’re still up in the air on this skydiving thing, then first read these skydiving warning tips. Soon you will be careening toward a new adventure in no time flat:

WARNING

1.  The Jump Master’s name is Splaat.

2.  The other jumpers are all wearing patient bracelets from the Hospice.

3.  Vultures are surrounding the bull’s-eye target on the ground.

4.  The Jump Club has gone green with new, yet untested, biodegradable parachutes.

5.  The pilot gives you the famous war movie speech, “Some of you won’t be coming back.”

6.  If Geronimo had ever jumped out of an aircraft, he would not have screamed his own name, especially when he realized that he was wearing a papoose instead of a parachute.

7.  “Free Skydiving lesson. No strings attached.”

8.  The stand-by ambulance at the landing zone looks a lot like a Hearse.

9.  The plane taxies past Rod Serling talking to a camera.

10. In the Divorce Proceeding Skydive Special, the wife always gets the one parachute.

11. The jump master is still on parole for pushing a knapsack-wearing boy scout by mistake.

12. The jump instructor says, “P P P P P Pu Pu Pu Pull the ri ri ri ri rip co co co co cord. Ne Ne Ne Ne Never mi mi mi mi mi mind.”

13. The same company makes Parachutes and Shrouds. Coincidence?

14. The grounds crew is going to charge you extra if you jump with a full bowel.

15. Planning a live birth skydive? Don’t forget the Fisher Price parachute for the newborn.

16. If your chute doesn’t open, the suit of bubble wrap is not going to help you.

17. “There’s something I wanted to tell you guys before you jumped but I forgot. Oh well, it probably wasn’t very important. You go ahead and jump. Maybe I’ll remember it later.”

18. If you Drink and Dive, you must demonstrate that you can fall in a straight line.

19. You are too low to jump if the ants you see on the ground really are ants.

20. There is no refund owed to the absent-minded skydiver's next of kin.

Bob Simpson

Bobsimpson1947@yahoo.com

Jobs: Improper Interview Answers

My resume' includes carrying big
green leaves and milking Aphids.

You have to have a job ... to get another one. It’s always been easier to obtain employment if you were already employed.

If you are now unemployed, you are likely to stay that way.

Here is a question for all employers: Who will be best employee, an unemployed man with a family and children who is 4 months away from foreclosure or a new employee who just skipped out on his last employer for a few more bucks a month to “work” for you?

Enough of the doom and gloom, your objective is not to find a job. Your entire effort is to obtain the interview. There are dozens of online advice columns to help you prepare for an interview.

But if you DO NOT want to do well in your interview because you have a few more months of unemployment compensation remaining, then feel free to use any of the following interview answers:  

1. Q. Tell me about yourself. 

A. Well, I don't drink nearly as much as I used to.

2. Q. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 
 A. Kissing your wife goodbye, just before you get home from golf.

3. Q. What’s your biggest weakness?    A. I can’t shoot real straight when I get angry.

4. Q. Describe a specific example when you saved money for your company.  A. An old lady fell in our store and I told the judge that I didn’t see it.

5. Q. Have you ever stolen from an employer?  A. So far, no boss has ever caught me.

6. Q. Why are you looking for a job?  A. It’s part of the requirements to keep getting unemployment checks.

7. Q. What are you looking for?  A. A job with disability insurance for my bad back.

8. Q. Why should I hire you for this position?  A. Why should I answer that if you don’t even know either?

9. Q. How do you feel about working long hours and on weekends?  A. It’s okay with me as long as it doesn’t interfere with my court-ordered community service.

10. Q. Do you have any questions?     A. Yeah, where’s the can?

If you didn’t realize that Q stands for Question and A stands for Answer, then please disregard the advice … although you may want to think about working for Yahoo.com.

Bob Simpson

Bobsimpson1947@yahoo.com

 

It's Time for a New Computer

If you are searching for 

I built this computer and now it just fired me.

serious answers and you are frustrated because your computer is trying to kill you, please look elsewhere. Thanks for stopping by. 

I hope you get your problems resolved before you have a stroke and your relatives gather in the hall to discuss possible loopholes in your will. 

If none of the above applies, then read on:

"Would you like to purchase the extended 2-year warranty for your new laptop computer?

There are only two answers to the question. If you are under age 50, your answer is, “No thank you. The state of the art computer that I am now buying will be obsolete after one year.”

If you are over age 50, your answer is: “No thank you. The state of the art computer that I am now buying will be obsolete after one year.”

I know. I know. The second answer is the same but you have the option to add the zinger, “I’ll have to check with my doctor first.”

You may, however, want to buy an extended warranty on the carrying case. The next laptop computer that you will have to buy next year will probably fit in the same carrying case.

There are always hints that something bad is going to happen: Cats leave the house before an earthquake. Strange looking bugs that you have never seen before start crawling up the outside walls of your house before a hurricane.

Your car lags a second when it starts, and then the battery dies 3 days later. Your husband is now using his manicure set that he received as a gift 7 years ago to keep his nails trimmed. He is taking guitar lessons and he will buy you a very expensive birthday present … the week before he leaves you.

If your husband fits the above description, it may just be a coincidence. My advice is to trust him completely … but get an attorney … NOW.

I lost my point somewhere back in the last 2 paragraphs. Ah, here is the point again: There will be several hints before your computer fails. Here are the top 11 warning signs that it's time to buy a new computer:

1. The pull-start rope just broke

2. Every time you sign on to your old Commodore computer, Lionel Ritchie’s cell phone rings.

3. Are you thinking about upgrading to Windows Vista?

4. Are your IBM punch cards still on back-order?

5. You just got a pop-up window with an opportunity to download the latest new virus.

6. Warning: You do not have enough remaining memory to play “Pong.”

7. The kitchen is warm on cold mornings from the CRT monitor.

8. You have discovered a web site that will let you store all your children’s pictures for free.

9. A witch looking a lot like Steve Jobs in a black dress dropped by your front door offering you a free shiny apple. Too soon?

10. Did you think that the pills you bought on the Internet would help with a floppy disk problem?

11. Are the elderly library volunteers searching in closets and drawers because they lost their server?

Bob Simpson

Bobsimpson1947@yahoo.com

New Nose Grown on Head

A Chinese man is growing a replacement nose on his forehead. He damaged his first nose in, what can only described as, a honeymoon accident.

His doctors fashioned a new nose with tissue expanders, screws, and plates. They also added some of his rib cartilage to give the schnoz some structure.

The surgical team leader, Dr. Jack Frost, gave a special shout out to the Big Box Hardware store employee who conducted the Do It Yourself Nose Replacement Seminar early one Saturday morning.

When the new nose is ready, doctors will transplant it to the middle of his face and add nose hairs.  
Once a suitable matching donor dies, the surgeon will perform a delicate booger transplant. Future nose replacements may include small internal Febreze flaps for Funeral Directors and Bravo Channel TV critics.

Scientists are considering adding a long tube for skin diving enthusiasts, a bionic snorkel.

Bob Simpson

Bobsimpson1947@yahoo.com  

Senior Pick-Up Lines

What's a short name for Rhinoceros?
 How the heck do Iknow

We start to compromise the second we are born. Once we pry ourselves out of the womb, we can’t breathe through our gill slits anymore.

We compromise and give some air a try. Then we don’t make another concession to anyone for the next 2 years.

As unemployed workers or paycheck to paycheck families, we compromise: health insurance premiums or groceries?

In this instance the American Organization of Really Swell Health Insurance Companies has rescued us from this choice so that we can afford health insurance premiums AND food. Please contact them for their brochure, 101 Tasty Ways to Prepare Generic Cat Food.

Even the administrator of a Prostate Radiation Seed Implantation Facility recently fired their most popular nurse … because her ears glowed in the dark.

Throughout the rest of our lives, we have difficult choices to make and begin to lower our standards. When we are finally and fully compromised, we get to eat cornbread and real butter with Jesus, or sign on with Old Scratch for some eternal treading in the lake of fire (bring your asbestos floatie), or ___________ insert in the blank where you think you might be going after you have been voted off the island.

So if you can remember where you left your reading glasses and you have adjusted, (lowered), your standards accordingly, please consider these Senior Pick-Up Lines:

1. “Is that your Depends or are you just happy to see me?”

2. “Wanna see what the Prostate Fairy left me?”

3. “Come see me tonight. I’m in room uh, let’s see now, hmmm.”

4. “Don’t worry baby, I can cover that annual Medicare Part B deductible for you.”

5. “Hey fella, let’s see what you can do with that hand tremor.”

6. “You’ve got the body of Lillie Langtry/"

7. “I’d like to take you to a movie if I can find some place to cash these War Bonds." 

8. “I’ll show you my prostate scan if you’ll show me your mammogram.”

 9. “Hello beautiful. You look familiar.”     

      “Yeah, I’m your daughter.”

10. Would you care to share an Oxygen tank?”

11. “Your hospital bed or mine?”

12. “I could gaze into your cataracts all night.”

13. “So what happens if I do buy 300 boxes of those Girl Scout Cookies?"

14. “You look like a young Mary Pickford. 

15. “Would you like to give those new hip replacements a test drive?”

16. “I can hook up my pacemaker to a 12 volt car battery and show you a real good time.”

17. “Can I get your granddaughter’s phone number?”

18. “Drop by my room and I’ll show you my Sweet N Low packet collection.”

19. “Can I buy you a bolus for your feeding tube?”

20. “Let’s get a hotel room and put the DO NOT RESUSCITATE sign on the door.”

BobSimpson1947@yahoo.com