Local Weather Friends

    I miss the Weather Gang

I live in the Tampa Bay area.

I said "area" because nobody lives in Tampa Bay. It’s full of water and a few old mobsters from  Tampa’s past glory days.

But since one out of four homeowners owes more on their mortgage than their home is worth, some of us actually do live underwater. 

Segue Ahead

Meanwhile, I just saved 30 dollars a month. We switched cable companies. Here’s the problem:

I miss my old cable company, my weather friends. Back in the good old days, (7 days ago), I could get my fix of weather every ten minutes on the nines.

Two times every hour, at 29 and 59 minutes after, there would be a teasingly shorter weather report ... with no Weather Radar.

Yes, my kids are in the same school with the same address and the same friendly neighbors, (mostly). But I pine for my weather crew: Josh, Diane, Brian, Juli, Mike, and Alan. 

I also long for dapper Chuck, the traffic guy. Monday through Friday, a television director would superimpose Chuck's image over Tampa’s Interstate Four gridlock. His giant legs blocked traffic across two of the west-bound lanes.

 Hey Chuck.You wanna get outta my way?

100's of cars rammed into his crotch. He never broke a smile.

I can still watch their Weather Radar on my computer, but it’s not the same without the previous affable meteorologists.

It’s 9 minutes after the hour. I have to watch … oh wait … never mind. It stills hurts so bad.

Maybe one day I will see my weather buddies riding on a local parade float. I will yell, "Show us your warm fronts." 

01-02-2014 Update: My daughter and I spotted Chuck Henson in Dunedin, Florida, setting up for a roadside report. We waved and he waved back. Even from across 4 lanes of traffic, we could tell that his immaculately white shirt was crisp and wrinkle free.

A real professional.

02-28-2014 Update:  I just had a twinge of sadness like the feeling one gets after stopping smoking cigarettes for a year. I still miss my weather friends from Bay News Nine. 

The feeling has passed and I am feeling better. In fact, My daughter's orthodontist just called to remind me of her appointment next MONDAY.

Now I am dizzy with delight. While the daughter is getting her braces adjusted, I will ogling the waiting room's giant screen TV. Every ten minutes one of my weather buddies will comfort me with a weather update and a brief, but provocative, peek at the best weather radar in the world. 

Bob Simpson@yahoo.com

Are Cell Phones Dangerous to Your Health?

Cell phones are safer than cigarettes.
But harder to keep lit.

1. A 41-year-old maintenance worker died, after falling from a cell phone tower in Vienna, Maryland.

Authorities could find no reason for the fall except that old standby, Gravity.

Cell phone company records show that the unfortunate worker’s phone was active during his plunge but that it maintained five bars of excellent reception all the way to the ground. 

Malaysian Cell Phone 
Explosion

2. A mobile phone exploded next to a sleeping Malaysian man. He was stunned and burned on his backside.
There were burn marks on his bed and on the wall. 

Outrageous Penalty to 

Cancel Phone Contract

The one good thing that came out of this tragic accident? The funeral director bragged that he saved the little widow “a chunk of change” because all that was needed was a 12-inch by 12-inch coffin. 

Mohamed Radzuan Yasin set his phone on charge and took a nap. Several hours later, a small explosion woke him up.

The cell phone manufacturer asserted that this had never happened before. “Based on the burn marks on the victim’s buttocks, we wonder what really happened. Most of our customers do not hold their cell phone next to their bottoms while making a call.  And … why was the phone set on Vibrate?”

3. A Chinese-built cell phone electrocuted Dhanji Damor of Gujarat, India. He was using his phone while simultaneously charging the phone. 

Investigators would not comment on whether the voltage was Chinese or Indian, although massive amounts of electricity probably feels the same, no matter what language it comes in.

The emergency room doctor, who declared him dead, speculated that he had used up all his minutes. 

Dhanji’s family arrived the next day to claim his body. They attempted to pay the hospital bill, but Dhanji had good health insurance. The hospital administrator said, “No charge.”

4. A Chicago resident was searching for his cell phone. He told a neighbor that he probably dropped it down a garbage chute in his apartment building. 

He obtained a key to the trash room downstairs. Three hours later, no husband, and the wife began to worry. Normally in Chicago, if your husband is missing for three whole hours, he is automatically declared legally dead. 

The cell phone was an expensive model. The owner climbed into the massive trash compactor to search further. Who would have thought that something as dangerous as a trash compactor would be set on an automatic timer?

Final Funeral Home Question:
Paper or Plastic?

Final thoughts:

Are there too many tragic and senseless deaths because of cell phone use? Maybe the risk has always been with us, no matter what earlier forms of communication we used.

How soon we forgot the early Native American’s unfortunate and horrible accidents from their smoke signal fires.

Bobsimpson1947@yahoo.com

Clint Eastwood's Split

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Clint Eastwood will be riding fences, shooting bad guys, and talking to empty chairs alone. He and his wife announced a separation after years of marriage.

Actually, they have been living apart for over a year. Nobody knew because the entertainment media has been busy elsewhere.

The news slingers have been reporting on every Lindsay Lohan and Miley Cyrus bowel movement, including the precise GPS locations of each defecation.

What do you call the Paparazzi in Italy?

Some say Clint must not be the marrying kind. More like he’s not-the-stay-married-forever kind. 48 year-old Dina Eastwood says, "We still remain close, unless the traffic is backed up on State Route One. Then it takes me two hours to get to Clint’s house, (soon to be my house),”

No property settlement details yet. They have, however, agreed on their last names. “Ladies and Gentlemen. Let me introduce you to Clint East and Dina Wood.” 

Here are two quotes from Clint Eastwood:

“They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.”

“There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again.”

Hello McFly! … Dina Eastwood, do you think you could have seen this coming?

There is a 35 year age difference between the couple. There always has been. It may not mean much now, but actuarial studies indicate that when Dina Eastwood is 82, Clint will be 117, just before he dies.

Based on the duration of this marriage and the actuarial studies, Clint will remarry and divorce two more times. 

Bobsimpson1947@yahoo.com

 

Friedhelm Hillebrand is AAK, Alive and Kicking

Matthew Broderick is often stopped … to sign Friedhelm Hillenbrand’s autograph.

F H I T

Friedhelm Hillebrand Invented Texting

Friedhelm, Fried, to his partying college buddies, is a German engineer and technical writer who invented texting in 1985. He needed a way to break up with his hot-tempered girlfriend. 
The maximum number of characters and spaces is 140. That’s the number that can still be managed while driving a car or monitoring aircraft from the control tower. 

There are no royalties paid for text messages. Every time someone sends a text,  F G B D S G E N N N N Z Z.= Fried Gets Blank, Diddly Squat, Goose Egg, Nada, Naught, Nil, Nothing, Zero, Zip.

He has written a book about the creation of texting. The book costs $255.00. T T M M F A F B = That’s Too Much Money For A @#$%&! Book.

So finally there are 910 characters and spaces in this post, Oh wait a minute. That doesn’t include this ….. BBN   

Bobsimpson1947@yahoo.com

The Royal Couple's Reality Show

ABC has confirmed: “The new Royal Family began filming last week in their Kensington Palace apartment. October 20, 2013 starts the new season premier of Celebrity Wife Swap.”

Back from vacation in Branson Missouri, Honey Boo Boo’s family began recording on this side of the pond.

Contrary to media reports, the Boo Boo family did not shorten His Royal Highness Prince George of Cambridge’s name to Bubba.

Prince William said, “The Duchess and I have discontinued suckling Honey Boo Boo with the Royal Boobs, although I still miss watching.” Duchess Kate refers to Honey Boo Boo as Honey Ow Ow.

Prince Will added, “We are unanimous is this breastfeeding decision. We would not change our minds for all the tea in Ceylon, I mean Sri Lanka. We still own Ceylon, I mean Sri Lanka, don’t we?”

Further updates:

The Duchess of Cambridge will continue to use her last name. She said, “It has been well established in public records as Middleton, even on Facebook and Classmates.com. Besides, I want to make sure I keep getting my Oprah magazine.”

Duke of Cambridge handlers have recently briefed him to never ever publicly say, “I swear on my mother’s grave” or “It’s to Di for.”

Bobsimpson1947@yahoo.com

Super Model Tazered

Super Model Christie Brinkley was 

I'm ready for my shroud, Mr. DeMille.

accidentally tazered by a doorman-bouncer outside an exclusive Hollywood nightclub for transvestites.

The bouncer didn’t recognize Ms. Brinkley and thought an over-dressed drag queen was just trying to cut in line.

Even after the super model was tazered, Christie Brinkley, age 59, was described by onlookers as "still shockingly stunning."

There is no reason to think that Christie Brinkley will ever read this, but if she does:

Girl, you still look 40 years younger than Billie Joel.

                 IRS knock knock joke

      "Knock, Knock."

         "Come in and take want you want."

Bobsimpson1947@yahoo.com

Heidi Fleiss Marijuana

Heidi Fleiss has been growing Marijuana plants at her Nevada home. She is the 1990’s Brothel Madam of Ill Repute. Ill Repute is a small southern California town.

The County Sheriff confiscated two of the 400 plants for evidence. According to the sheriff, “The remaining plants were destroyed by my deputies over the course of three days, or it might have been four days, or it might have been five days. Some of the details are fuzzy about the actual plant dispatchations.”

The sheriff added, “Dispatchations is a mighty funny sounding word, doncha think?”

The authorities did not immediately arrest Ms. Fleiss because she was the only one there at the time to care for her expensive exotic birds. She was very cooperative throughout the investigation, to the point of giggling a lot.

Fleiss said, “I raise the Marijuana plants just for the seeds for my pretty birds. The nourishing seeds make them fly really, really, really really … uhh … high.” 

If you have questions or want to add a remark, please leave a comment. I would love to hear from you. I promise not to argue or belittle you. That's what my wife is for. Just kidding, Dear.  

Bobsimpson1947@yahoo.com