Cremation Warning Tips

Uncle Benny was cremated.
A Benny Saved is a Benny Urned

Discussing Cremation is a sensitive subject, especially if you are lying in a hospital bed with loved ones gathered, bickering over who gets to pull the plug. 

If you are grieving or dying, there are many avenues to get help for your pain and sorrow. There are also some streets and boulevards. 

Perhaps you can return to this article at a more appropriate time in your life to reflect on this humorous, yet sensitive, review of Cremation Services.

For the rest of you who are momentarily in between tragedies, read on. Here is the list of Cremation Warning Tips:

1. “I want to cremate my wife. Is that possible?”

“Yes, but Sir. She has to be dead first." 

2. Why does the Cremation Service share the same lobby and receptionist with the Tanning Salon?

3. The Ashes Scattered at Sea service is included in the price. There is an additional service charge for Ashes Scattered over Halle Berry.

4. A Cremation Services sign should not include “Always Preheated. We’re ready when you are.”

5. Cremation caskets can range from a cardboard container to a hardwood casket. Styrofoam boxes, however, are no longer available.

6. You can bring your own urn, but remember that Tupperware is “so yesterday."

7. It is in bad taste to include the telephone number and business hours of the Cremation Service on the Urn.

8. Only a small percentage of funeral homes have cremation units. Beware of the ones that have industrial crock pot facilities,

9. After the ashes have been scattered, please do not use the urn for next summer’s picnic potato salad container.

10. Cremation is not a substitution for a funeral and neither is a new chest freezer in the basement.

11. You can have the memorial service before or after the cremation, just as long as your check has cleared the bank. We also take MasterCharred.

12. You can view Grandpa’s cremation process but leave the marshmallows and sticks at home.

13. It is essential to remove pacemakers and other medical devices prior to cremation. Middle East cremation operators also need to check for unexploded vests.

14. Recent laws now make it illegal to use cremated remains as a gravy thickener. 

15. How hot does the oven get? Hot enough to dispatch the entire cast of The Biggest Losers in two hours,

16. What happens during the cremation process? “Well Sir, we usually start the body and then break for lunch.”

17. The Cremation Society on Rodeo Drive offers a Gucci Ashes Tote for your recently departed Shopped-Till-She-Dropped-Friend.

18. When picking up your loved one’s ashes, the clerk should not ask, “Paper or plastic?”

19. Solar Powered Cremation is still an unproven lengthy process ... and very smelly.

20. Avoid the facility located on the Andreas Fault called “Shake and Bake"

Bob Simpson

Bobsimpson1947@yahoo.com