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Monday, March 30, 2015

Love Through Love

He said:


You are the prettiest girl I have ever seen in my life.

 And, you’re smart too.

It’s different with you. I really do like you.

I love you.

I love you a lot.

I will love you for a long time.

I will love you forever.

I love you.

Yeah, me too.

Back at you.


Yes, I still love you.

I’m pretty sure that I love you.

I love you … unless something better comes along.

No, you’re not getting fat.

It’s just more for me to love.

You want to go jogging or work out with me?

I think you would feel better if you actually got up off the couch every once in a while.

I’m just concerned about your health.

Do you want me to take over paying your life insurance premiums for you?

I need some time alone to think some things through.

No, it’s not you. It’s me.

Maybe we should start seeing other people.

I met someone.

She’s really nice. She's a lot like you.

We should both tell the kids together.

Will you be all right on your own?

I got your attorney’s letter. I don’t think it’s such a fair deal for me.

Yes judge, we are totally irreconcilable with no hope of salvaging the marriage.

I know. I know. I know we’ve always spent Christmas with the kids, but you know my girlfriend has a family that we need to spend some time with too.

Yes, I mailed the alimony. I will check my bank statements again.

I don't know what I ever saw in you.

Yeah, well ok then, I hate you too.

I will hate you forever.


I will come back to haunt you after I die.

I hope you die first.

I hope you die real soon.

I’ll be right there as soon as I can get a flight. Are you sure our son is in stable condition?

I’m sorry to hear of your mother’s passing. She was a good woman.

It’s good to hear from you.

I was thinking about you the other day.

Yeah, I had a little health scare last week. Everything is fine now. My heart’s doing better but I have to watch what I eat and start exercising. I remember that my portion control was always a concern of yours.

Thanks for the card about my Dad. You’re right. He was a good man. I miss him.

Yeah, I was kinda stupid about us, wasn’t I?

You’re being kind to say that, but it really was entirely my fault. I’m sorry.

Sure, that would be nice if we met for coffee.

Yeah, I miss you too.

We did have some good times.

he said:  

You know … Nobody else will have
my sorry ass … so I’ll always love you forever. 

Have you seen my glasses? 

If you have questions or want to add a remark, please leave a comment. I would love to hear from you. I promise not to argue or belittle you. That's what my wife is for. Just kidding, Dear. 

See author's nationally award winning 
weekly newspaper humor column 

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Bob Simpson
, Florida



Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Why the outrage over Ferguson?

I haven't kept up with the news, what with all the TV shows I have recorded and need to watch. I did hear something about the Ferguson riots and the outrage over Ferguson.

I can't understand why there has to be rioting, looting, and protests just because of the Ferguson decision.

Ferguson decided to retire from CBS sometime in December 2014. He wasn't fired. 

Liza Minnelli look-alike, Craig Ferguson is leaving CBS 

He is leaving on good terms with CBS. There is no animosity between CBS executives and Craig Ferguson, the late late night talk show host

Craig Ferguson epitomizes a typical legal immigrant's progression through the system to ultimately become a United States Citizen.

I beg of you. Please stop the riots and looting. This man has done nothing wrong. He overcame a life of addiction to go on to host a major television network show for ten years.

Please, can't we all just get along? Let's start today to help return to a country of love and compassion for all. 

Don't make this another Conan O'Brien-Jay Leno thing. Haven't we learned from our mistakes? WWJD? (What would Johnny Do?)

Let's make it a great day for America. 

If you have questions or want to add a remark, please leave a comment. I would love to hear from you. I promise not to argue or belittle you. That's what my wife is for. Just kidding, Dear. 

See author's nationally award winning weekly newspaper humor column 

Send new posts directly to your E-Mail inbox.

Bob Simpson
Largo, Florida

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Stephen Hawking says “There is no Cod”

Cod is Dead ... and Deep Fried

British physicist Steven Hawking has claimed that “There is no Cod.” He believes that "science offers the most reasonable explanation" for Long John Silver's decision to remove Cod from their menu.

Hawking suffers from a motor neuron disease similar to ALS, Acute Limey Syndrome. He’s English you know. Part of the treatment for ALS is a daily serving of fish.

Hawking does believe, however, that "Tartar Sauce is Absolutely Divine," an allusion to a possible deity-like entity capable of producing that tasty condiment so necessary for the enjoyment of a nice piece of fish.

Professor Hawking announced that due to the removal of Cod from the menu, he will “Never again set foot in a Long John Silver’s restaurant.”

Stephen Hawking divorced his first wife, who took care of him and guided his wheelchair everywhere. When asked why he divorced her, he said, “She was just too pushy.

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Saturday, September 13, 2014

High School Wrestling Leads to Increase in Same-Sex Marriages

Rikki, don't lose that number.

Scientists have found a correlation between states with well-funded high
school wrestling programs and an increase 
in subsequent same-sex marriages. 

The researchers were quick to note that further investigation is still required. “We still have thousands of hours of films of young sweaty boys grab-assing to review and study before coming to any final conclusion.”

In the meantime, new rules for grappling games have been promulgated throughout the country, based on these preliminary findings: 

o      The high school referee will end the match immediately if he hears both wrestlers giggling. 

o      Coaches, do not teach wrestling holds based on the Karma Sutra.

o      Never allow a match between conjoined twins, no matter how amusing you think it might be.

o      Greco Roman is not to be confused with Gecko Roman. If there is a lizard spotted in the match, charges of indecent exposure may result.

o      Discrete use of cell phone cameras is still allowed.

o      At no time, should hands ever disappear from view.

o      If you experience a wrestling match for longer than four hours, contact your healthcare provider immediately … or get a room.

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Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Taurus the Bull

April 21 to May 21

You'd be mad too if someone
boxing gloves over you hooves.

Taurus.  Patient, warmhearted, and resolute. You enjoy waiting determinedly in the 75-items-or-less checkout lane, under the banner reading, “If we notice more than 25 people waiting in any one line, we will open another register.”

However, you can be jealous, resentful, and inflexible. Lord help the person in front of you with 76 items. You will count the items in that person’s cart, even magnanimously acknowledging that a carton of eggs is really one item and not twelve. But the last time the number reached 76 or higher on the repeat count, you started dropping items from the offending cart onto the polished supermarket floor.

To your credit, when the security camera tapes are reviewed, you are smiling warmly … as the bottled baby formula and Children’s Cold medicine break onto the tile.

Taureans are frightened of falling into debt and they are extremely faithful in their relationships. The ever-true Taurus will not stray from a poverty stricken marriage unless she meets a good looking CPA specializing in debt relief.

Your star stone is the Emerald, used in rituals to stop bleeding and just as effective as a piece of gauze.

The Wizard of OZ Munchkins were actually tiny Taurus hemophiliacs trying to get to the Emerald City before they bled to death. Remember the rousing refrain, “We’re off to see the Wizard, the Wonderful Wizard of Gauze ... Be Gauze, Be Gauze, Be Gauze, Be Gauze, Be Gauze … Be Gauze of the wonderful things he does.”

Originally, a pasty little Munchkin accompanied Dorothy and the boys down the yellow brick road. Sadly, the director cut the Munchkin and his songs from the movie. The director said it was just too heart-wrenching to watch the little anemic hemophiliac belt out, “If I only had a Clot.”

The ruling planet is Venus, your color is pink, and your metal is Copper. Your favorite daydream is of Venus Williams in a pink tennis outfit, cooking up a mess of bacon in a copper frying pan. This daydream works for both men and women.

The favorite car of this sign is the Ford Taurus. Remember retired Florida State Seminoles football coach Bobby Bowden’s famous Ford TV commercial: “I lack (like) Taurus.” He said this one time to the camera and drove home with a trunk load of money in his new free Ford Taurus. Bobby Bowden’s astrology sign should be the $$eminole.

The Taurus sign is congruent with Virgo. Taurean Kirsten Dunst of Spiderman fame would be compatible with Virgo basketball star and past Family Man of the Year, Kobe Bryant.

Mr. Bryant said, “I would like to court her. You know, if I wasn't married or anything like that. But Kirsten probably wouldn't go out with me. It would be a long shot, certainly not a slam Dunst.”

Remember. You are a Star. Even if it’s a Fallen-and-Can’t Get-Up Star.

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Saturday, June 28, 2014

Old Dog Days or Why Lorne Greene Is Not an Icon Anymore

Yes, I was younger
than one of my sons.

Our dog is old. I don’t know how old. She was my wife’s dog before we were married, (my wife and I, not the dog). 

The dog came to live with us because she was one of those kinky “Love-me, Love-my-dog” types, (my wife, not the dog). 

She came from a place called Strays Arf Us, (the dog, not my wife).

Lately, Simba, (the dog, not my wife), has been barking every day at 4:17 AM. Evidently, that’s when a Pensacola aircraft en route to Miami at 40,000 feet passes within a hundred miles of our house.  

The call came at 5 AM yesterday from Air Traffic Control, “Excuse me, I apologize for calling so early, but we need your help. Our radar has gone down and we’ve lost contact with an aircraft out of Pensacola.

This is Pensacola Tower.
Sir, is your dog barking?

Sir, is Simba barking?”

The neighbors appreciate the 4:17 barking alarm. That’s a good little doggy for getting all the neighbors to wake up together and get a jump-start on their day.

My wife says Simba is 70. There is something out there in the ether and the Discovery channel called Dog Years. A Dog Year is equal to 7 years. 

There is a Dog Sun that rises and sets 7 times a day, but only canines and Hawaiian Tropics sun-tanning customers can see it.

Our aging Simba suffers from Barkinson’s Disease and Fleabitus. The Vet gave her painkillers for her Arfritis and something for anxiety.

The vet always gives me the same lecture, “The Valium was for the dog, not you.”

I didn’t have a snappy comeback because I kept falling asleep. But I woke right on up when the assistant asked, “Is the big one in here, for the neutering?”     

With all the medication, our mixed breed Simba is feeling mutt’s better. I feel better too, now that I have # 6377 programmed on my phone’s speed dial. That’s 911 in dog years.

Simba likes to watch the Lost Episodes of Lassie, but we don’t show her the final farewell show. Lassie limps into the farmhouse kitchen, circles her water bowl, shudders, then flops down and goes to sleep.

Timmy pets the quiet collie and yells, “Mom, I think Lassie’s trying to tell us something. Old man Jensen must have fallen down a well, or maybe the lady forest ranger has a ruptured ovarian cyst, or maybe the network execs got the ratings last night.”

Mom pulls Timmy away from Lassie, “Yes Timmy. I think you’re right. She really is trying to tell us something.”

“What Mom? What Mom?  What is she trying to say?”

“Well Timmy, I think Lassie’s trying to tell us that she’s dead.”

Now let’s talk about Lorne Greene. Remember Ben “Pa” Cartwright of Bonanza fame? He ran a large ranch for stray dogs called the Poundarosa. 

Mr. Greene was doing Alpo dog food-with-not-a-speck-of-cereal commercials when Hoss, his former TV son, died.

The plan was to sprinkle Hoss’s ashes over the “All-You-Can-Eat Buffet Museum” in Carson City. But times were tough for lovable, yet stern, patriarch Lorne Greene, who was left in charge of the cremation. 

To save money, he dragged his old friend to the dog food factory to have the cremation comped. Records have never been found to substantiate the actual cremation, but for several years, the Alpo cans sported a new label, with just a speck of Hydrogenated Oxygenated Synergistic Stuff, (H.O.S.S.).

Sadly, Ben Cartwright passed on at the age of 10.3; that’s 72 in Lorne Greene years.

So here’s the conversation on the way to school with the bright children that I am raising … as if they were my own … just because of a stupid DNA test:

“Pa … If Lorne Greene and his dog were on Mars, how long would they live?”

The answer: Lorne Greene would die in 7 seconds, having had a full 6 seconds to mourn for his dog that died after only one second. 

They both would have succumbed from a lack of proper vital ingredients that are missing in the average Martian environment; an atmosphere that contains Carbon Dioxide, a little Nitrogen, and not a speck of Oxygen.

Monday, May 19, 2014

M.E.R.S. Eat Oats and Does Eat Oats and Little Lambs Eat Ivy.

I think she might be
 an undercover cop.

“Wear masks and gloves when handling camels due to MERS, Middle East Respiratory Syndrome.” So says the Saudi Arabia 
Minister of Health, in a
warning issued this morning.

is similar to MERIS, Middle East Respiratory Infatuation Syndrome. This is what happens when the sight of a beautiful camel takes a man’s breath away.
The Minister of Health further cautioned, “Watch out lads, it looks like you can catch this crap off a camel. Do not eat raw camel meat or drink un-boiled camel milk.”

Final Warning:

1. Remove the milk from the camel before boiling the milk.

2. Cool the boiled camel milk before drinking. and have removed all references and pictures of camels from their web sites. Since 98% of their business involved camels, has actually shut down.  

Both one-humped camels and two-humped camels can carry the MERS. A humped camel in Saudi Arabia has an entirely different meaning than in the United States.

Nice Set of Humps

More than 120 people have died from the recent outbreak of MERS. The health ministry has replaced the head of the King Fahd Hospital in Jeddah. A replaced head in Saudi Arabia has an entirely different meaning than in the United States.

In Iran, there have been several instances of radical insurgents mounting MERS-infected camels and charging US Army bases. A mounted camel in Saudi Arabia has the very same meaning in the United States.
Due to reinforced U.S. defense positions, there have been no successful sick camel related suicide attempts. The message from the US forces to the Insurgents seems to be, “72 virgins if you die or stay home and snuggle with a camel with a good attitude. It’s your choice.”

All online date sites hope to add camels back into the repertoire, once this MERS scare is gone. A Middle East date is a fruit to be eaten, while in the good old USA, it means …

There are now several cases of MERS in the United States. Either the disease can now transmit from human to human or there are petting zoos located throughout America with camel sleeper cells.

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