Virgo the Virgin

August 23 to September 23

Virgo, modest and meticuous Virgoans are also fastidious and perfectionistic.

Perfectionistic is not a real word and the first person to point that out will be a Virgo.

Virgo is the lone female of the twelve signs, although there has been some talk about Scorpio. Virgos are emotionally cold but they make wonderful refrigerator sales people, sometimes even evolving into appliances. Remember Virgo NFL star, William Refrigerator Perry?

These late summer babes usually conceal their emotions. Still waters run deep or if you prefer, deep bottoms run high.

Virgos prefer technical perfection rather than passionate expression. Their romance takes place in bright light, but only because it is easier to read the instruction manual when the lights are on.

Virgo types are detail oriented but may become so finicky that they disregard larger issues. A Virgo crossing a rush-hour street may focus on the exquisite detailed grill work of an old Bentley as it hurtles toward them in the crosswalk.

Virgo folks appreciate different points of view, simultaneously. What if Rene Descartes had been a Virgo? “I think, therefore I am; but of course, that’s just my opinion. I can see where others could honestly disagree, so maybe it should be: I think that others also think, therefore, I am a Virgo.”

Are you Virgos vexed yet that we haven’t noted any positive traits? You continue to read, however, only because you’re still trying to find grammatical errors. There are plenty of mistakes in my readings, but only a Virgo will find every one of them, and then cross-reference them by grammar, style, and paragraph number.

Yet, I haven’t found anything good to say about this sign and now you Virgos are starting to make me sick. What a bunch of persnickety, time-wasting, wish-washy people you are.

What can I say? It’s not my fault that your parents started getting amorous in the January before you were born. Did you expect them to defer their love until October, just so you could be born into the perfect sign of Gemini?

But then again, isn’t that just like a Virgo, trying to manipulate events, even before you were born? Shame on you. Bad Virgo.

At least Virgos make good followers. Take a look behind you. A Virgo will probably wave back at you. Just a flock of sheep really. If a Virgo Sheep leader stopped breathing, would the whole flock gasp too? That would be something to see: Sheep Apnea.

A warning to Virgos. Don’t bring up your health concerns in conversation. Friends are not interested in your new colon cleanser and they don’t care how fast it works either.

Virgo colors are green and dark brown, the shades of nature. Many’s the time a young viral Virgo and his Scorpio mate have strolled through a verdant lush forest, only to step in something dark brown.

A Toll Collector position might be a good career move. Virgos tend to have superficial relationships so you might enjoy 4,500 short-term exchanges a day. Religion of choice is not a problem because Toll Collectors work with all denominations.

Virgos feel the struggle for success is always a sheer cliff that you can never surmount. Your mate will still want you to remove your steel-spiked Sherpa Guide mountain boots before you get into bed.

Your astral stone is Sardonyx. Again, another disappointment. It’s not even a real gem, just some quartz with sand infiltration.

A Virgo is most compatible with a Scorpio. Virgo Regis Philbin and Scorpio Jamie Lee Curtis were an item during the second year of “Who wants to be a millionaire?” Jamie was also dating race car driver Bobby Unser at the same time. Regis forgave her.

Then she pursued Al Unser, Bobby’s younger brother. Jamie called it off and Regis forgave her again. It ended when Regis spotted Ms. Curtis with Al Unser, Jr. at the Dale Earnhardt Memorial All You Can Eat Before You Die Buffet.

Try the desert Cherry Pit Crew Pie. Consume all the pie that you can stuff in your mouth in 20 seconds. Red cherry pie filling, flung during a brief pie eating frenzy reminds us all as it drips down the Ol Number 3 Memorial brick wall: We are all here for just a few laps around the track, a finite number of trips to the buffet table.

Al Unser, Jr. was sporting Jamie Lee Curtis on his right arm as they were leaving the buffet. Jamie was nursing a toothpick chipped from the finest Southern Pine, leveraging some roughage out of her Hollywood bridge work. Regis Philbin approached to ask her something.

But Jamie Lee Curtis could not or would not reply to Regis Philbin's question, which was, “Is that your final Unser?”

Remember. You are a Star, even if it is a Fallen-And-Can’t-Get-Up Star.

Bob Simpson

Bobsimpson1947@yahoo.com