Resume’ Update

Your resume' says you have over
30 years experience working with dirt.

You have a job and do it well. You like it and the boss likes you.

You work indoors and there is no heavy lifting involved. The atmosphere in the office is cordial; everyone looks out for everyone else.

There is a new ergonomic chair and a desk with a computer and two monitors in your office. The office is nicely air conditioned and there are pleasant accommodations for snacks and lunches.

The office building has more than a sufficient number of always-working elevators in the lobby. There is an adjoining free parking garage and a subsidized preschool daycare center on the second floor.
 
So why do you feel restless?

There might be something better out there, maybe more money, more benefits, or closer to home. You want to update your resume’ and let her fly out to the unknown wondrous opportunities beyond your field of vision.

Go ahead and update that resume’. Later I will have some warnings on what to leave off those resume's.

Do NOT prepare or update a resume’ on the company computer. It WILL be found. Your name will go to the head of the list that is being worked on in the Human Resources Department. That list is part of the company contingency plan in case things start going badly and layoffs become necessary.

You will never know that you made this prestigious dead-man-walking list. Even if you save the company a million dollars with one of your ideas, your name will still remain on that list.

Do I have to describe how it feels to be sitting at home waiting for the first of a very few small unemployment compensation checks? Your first puny guvment check is in your mailbox underneath the pile of overdue bills.

There is some hope for unemployed workers. Once a month, you may schedule an appointment at the food stamp office. They will issue you a fresh new piece of cardboard for your “I will work for food” sign.

Here below are 20 hints to help you update that resume’ (AT HOME):

1. Erase the line, “Come on. What have you got to lose?”

2. References: Delete the name of your parole officer.

 3. Don’t use the e-mail address “Disgruntled@unemployed.com.” 

4. Reasons for leaving last job should not include the pending sexual harassment charges.

5. Eligible for rehire at your last job: Don’t mention how cold it will have to be in hell.

6. Name of your old boss: Don’t call him Mr. Stab-In-The-Back Johnson.

 7. “Ability to work with others” is better than “Easy to get it on with.”

 8. Previous duties: Remove the answer “Working for the Man.”

 9. Your future employer does not need to know that you have to use public transportation since the DUI conviction.

10. Delete the sentence that says, “Need 10 days notice before any drug test.” 

11. Don’t mention that your salary is negotiable now that both of your sons are in prison for life. 

12. Delete the letter of recommendation from your court-appointed anger management coach. 

13. The 5 year gap in employment should not be explained as, “That drug problem is pretty much behind me now.” 

14. Do not use the nickname Studmeister.

15. Delete the bankruptcy information since it is filed under your wife’s name. 

16. Remove the information about your old company’s bowling team and how hot the babes were.

17. Delete your bathroom preferences. 

18. Don’t brag that your grandparents and parents have all passed on so you will never need any time off for funerals. Also remove the follow-up “except for my own funeral. Ha Ha.” 

19. Don’t offer that you will wear a stupid tie if you have to.

20. Remove the information about your voluntary participation in the ongoing medical study on Syphilis.

Bob Simpson

Bobsimpson1947@yahoo.com

You Booked the Wrong Flight

We're going down.
Fast forward to the end of the movie.

You and 3,200 of none of your closest friends are at the air- port waiting in line to get to the gate. 

Most of you are hoping to escape a degrading body pat-down

while one or two of you are secretly hoping to visit the Special Frisking Room.

You could be vacation bound, or a holiday traveler, or an extradited prisoner returning to Indiana on a 40-year outstanding warrant for writing a stupid song about Indiana Wants Me.

You are finally on-board, taxiing toward the runway, and then things start getting interesting, the same way that acupuncture is interesting. Here are some clues that you booked the wrong flight:

1. There will a slight delay. The co-pilot can not find his credit card for the fuel charges.

2. Don’t worry; there are plenty of breathing holes in the overhead storage compartments for your newborn baby.

3. The flight attendants from the 1980’s are the very same flight attendants today. “Coffee, Tea, or Metamucil?”

4. Regular fare passengers can bring one carry on. First class passengers may carry on with one flight attendant.

5. TONKA manufactured the refueling truck.  

6. Intercom: “We all want to congratulate the co-pilot Bob Snyder on his first take-off since returning from Rehab … again. We wish him well on the upcoming landing.”

7. We offer urinary catheters for rent during this long flight. Ask about our “Share a Bag with your Neighbor plan.”

8. When the oxygen mask drops from the overhead due to loss of cabin pressure, you must have exact change.

9. There is no beverage service because there are no restrooms. The passengers may not use the crew member’s restroom because it is too dangerous … and too windy.

10. The depressed pilot’s beautiful wife and 3 children just left him.

11. If you are allergic to peanuts, please sit in the Coughing and Choking section.

12. The pilots will not be available for consultation during Automatic-Pilot Nap Time.

13. Once the plane is safely on the ground, the crew will be asking for donations for the airport landing fee.

14. The Entrance sign to the cockpit is written in Braille.

15. You can find photos of your recent TSA airport body scan on your Facebook account.

16. The airsickness bags are now reusable and reversible.

17. Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. Ladies and gentlemen, this is your …

18. Emergency Exit Doors are marked “This way to Hell.”

19. If you are prone to blood clots in your legs, feel free to rest your feet in the convenient overhead stirrups.

20. The flotation device under your seat will work just as well as it did in the last crash at sea.

21. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. Our lavatories don’t have doors.

22. Please proceed to the nearest emergency exit. Women and children first, then men, then crew members, and finally any remaining Real Housewives of Atlanta.

23. The captain’s father was the love child of Wiley Post and Amelia Earhart.

24. The airline president is on the No Fly List.

25. Please remain seated if you’re continuing on with us to the spacecraft that is trailing Comet Hale-Bopp.

Bob Simpson

Bobsimpson1947@yahoo.com

Two Important Things Happened this Week.

For a man who runs a tree service and sells seasoned firewood, December is a busy month. There are trees to trim and firewood to distribute to restaurants and homes.

I was there in that tree service office while a young man in his late twenties was talking to Shawn, the owner. Shawn was sitting about 15 feet away while the young man stood at the counter.

The young man was explaining his experience with many different heavy equipment machines, along with a spotless safety record. You could tell by the way he talked that he had done everything he claimed. 

Shawn  asked a few questions, sized him up, and asked, “When can you start?”

“As soon as you want me to.”

It was Friday afternoon. Shawn said, “We’ll see you tomorrow morning at seven. Finish the paperwork and give it to my secretary, Bonnie.”

A qualified man met an employer in need and that’s all it took. Both men went home happy that night.

America  still lives … and works.

My 14-year-old daughter’s friend, Laura, is having to move out of her mother’s house and live with her father.

BUT her father is now moving to a new city, 26 miles away. Laura will have to relocate and start in another school.

She is in her first year of high school band. Mrs. B, Laura's former middle school band director, is married to Mr. B, Laura's new high school band director. 

So here are these two band directors who probably sleep 3 hours a night and … they offered Laura their home to live in. 

This is a life changer for Laura. When she eventually leaves her new home for a music scholarship, Mr. and Mrs. B will say that they gained as much from having Laura live there as Laura did. That may be true, but Laura really won on this deal.

God Bless a new job and God Bless a new home.

America not only lives and works … it still loves too.

Bob Simpson

Bobsimpson1947@yahoo.com

Aquarius. Insights into the Water Bearer

Aquarius, The Water Bearer

January 21 - February 19

You are honest, inventive, and independent. But those traits also come with a bit of contrariness, unpredictability and a somewhat detached personality.                     

Good with the bad, it’s always a trait off.

An Aquarian in traffic may capriciously change lanes without signaling. However, you don’t get emotionally involved or upset when the driver you just cut off, waves at you with one finger.

Aquarius is the god of Water. Don’t think you’re going to get far up that vacation road in the family car if you just washed down your blood pressure medicine with a big old tumbler of Sweeeeeeeet Tay.

Ye, of deep winter birth, are outgoing and friendly, but after the panhandler has thanked you for the dollar and said, “God Bless you,” that pretty much wraps up the conversation. No further intercourse is necessary.

Aquarians make good planners and musicians, but they especially like planning to become musicians.

Turquoise is your primary color. Several times in your life, you have become overly fascinated and obsessed with the syllable “quoise.”

In your early 40’s, neighbors observed you wandering through your empty house repeating the word, “Quoise, Quoise, Quoise”, laughing at how it sounded and made your mouth feel. That phase has passed and many of your friends have cautiously returned into your life.

Your birthstone is Garnet or Amethyst. What a cheap date that makes you. “Look, Honey. I got you this here Amethyst ring with my first week’s pay at the mill.”

Be careful during the first week of February when many Aquarians will listen to unscrupulous medical advice. A doctor may try to grab a senior’s annual Medicare deductible early in the year.

Schedule a screening colonoscopy since your ruling planet is Uranus. Don’t get ill in a crowded theater and yell, “Is there a Health Care Provider in the house?”

Paul Newman and Ellen DeGeneres were both born under this sign. They may not appear similar or share a commonality until you realize that Paul Newman preferred women and, of course, Ellen DeGeneres … 

Aquarian Oprah Winfrey is compatible with a Libra. In fact, the tabloids have romantically linked metaphysical spiritualist Libra Deepak Chopra and Oprah Winfrey. If you’ve ever had your tabloids romantically linked, then you know how good that can feel. 

Oprah cancelled her wedding plans when she realized that no one would ever watch ... The Oprah Chopra Show.

Remember. You are a Star, Even if it’s a Fallen-and-Can’t-Get-Up Star.

Bob Simpson

Bobsimpson1947@yahoo.com

25 Warnings That You Are Getting Older

Family album of your Father and Mother and Pets

There were a few more things I was going to say before I gave you this list of 25 warnings that you are getting, but I forgot them.

I know that is a tired old joke, but sometimes a tired old joke is what I feel like.

I have a notion that some of my worthy forgotten sentences were quite clever and pithy, enough so that many of the more intelligent readers would have remarked, “Say, I thought that old Mark Twain was dead, but here he is a telling us just how it is again. Maybe some sleepy air-traffic controller re-routed Halley’s Comet past the earth this morning just to give us one more classic bit of read.”

When I try to remember what I forgot, I lean toward a facade of braggadocio, planked with unrestrained hyperbole. It’s a much evolved form of masking. If those lost thoughts come back to me, I will be sure to add them in later and since all of you are getting older too, you might not remember any of this anyway.

So adjust your Craftmatic adjustable bed to READING position and enjoy these 25 warnings that you are getting older:

1. You take your shoes off near a chair so you can sit down when you put them back on again.

2. You have Arthritis and the name BENGAY doesn’t make you laugh anymore.

3. Your robe fell open and blinded the dog.

4. You remembered to feed the cat this morning … but you don’t have a cat.

5. You like baby showers because it means that there are new taxpayers coming on line to help pay for your Social Security benefit.

6. You get your daily aerobic workout at night while hustling to the bathroom.

7. When did potato chips get so hard on the mouth?

8. Has anybody seen my uh, hmm, lets see now, where was I when I. Now, what was I looking for?

9. The strained peas seemed awful spicy tonight.

10. That Pat Sajak and Vanna White make a cute couple don’t they?

11. I can’t get this pudding cup open.

12. I am going to sit and face west today.

13. I woke up late and had already slept through my morning nap.

14. I remember when milk was $3.75 a gallon, like it was yesterday.

15. Why are all these girl scouts singing in my room?

16. I need a flashlight at night to know when I stop peeing.

17. Why was my only grandson fluffing my pillow late last night over my mouth and nose?

18. You are too old to join AARP.

19. Start the Winnebago and point me south.

20. Your birth certificate is written on Papyrus.

21. The secret to living to 100 is to not let your children know how rich you are.

22. Nobody wants to sing Stephen Foster songs with you.

23. After you die, your hardened toenails will be donated to NASA to use as re-entry heat shields.

24. You like to do housework while listening to a good old fashioned John Phillip Souza march.

25. You liked the Bible better before that old meddling King James got a hold of it.

Bob Simpson

Bobsimpson1947@yahoo.com

Miley Cyrus Thanksgiving Dinner: Twerky and Un-Dressing

Late Breaking News

Twerky and Un-Dressing

On Thanksgiving Day, Miley Cyrus will be sitting down to some Twerky and Un-Dressing. Her entire family will be there, including her Daddy, Billy Gravy Cyrus.

Miley, however, will not be ingesting any mashed taters or biscuits because she is on a Low-Garb diet.

Bob Simpson

Bobsimpson1947@yahoo.com

Lions Kill Lioness.

Your birthday was 5 days ago. Take off the stupid hat
 or I'll give you one upside of your head

Recently, two male lions killed their lady friend in a Dallas zoo. They bit her neck and that was that. The zoo is investigating.

Often alcohol is involved in violence, but zookeepers say that the alcohol screen came back negative. Additional tests showed no evidence of recreational drugs. Even the Catnip test was negative.

Zookeeper spokesman Andy Seffner said, “I've never seen anything like this happen before. I’m kinda sorry I missed it. It sounds neat."

Jo-Jo was a loving mother and a respected member in the lion family. She recently celebrated her fifth birthday with a frozen cake … in her cage.

We all know, from watching the Animal Planet cable channel, just how thrilling it must be for real lions on the real Serengeti plains to stalk and run down a real frozen cake.

A thorough search of the cage found an unknown meat. The beasts were probably fighting over that fresh flesh. Antelope may have been involved in the violence.

Another theory on the assault is that the male lions have been watching reruns of Barbara Walters’s interview with Sean Connery.|

Both offending lions have subsequently apologized and have swallowed their pride.

Bob Simpson

Bobsimpson1947@yahoo.com