Labor Room NO NO’s

I don't know nothing about paying
no health insurance deductibles. 

I hate delivering these Breech Births.

Labor rooms have evolved from cave floors to muted pastel walls and soft indirect lighting in modern high-rise family birthing suites with scenic panoramic landscapes from every window. A Womb with a View.

An adventuresome couple can opt for a water birth, especially if the original conception occurred in a hot tub, swimming pool, or on a Slip ‘n Slide.

Is it a coincidence that June, the favorite month for weddings, is also National Slip 'N Slide Month? Take your bride for a ride on the Slip ‘n Slide. 

The water-birthed baby slides out effortlessly into a warm water surrounding, enjoying an almost weightless stopover before crawling out onto the shore. If it is done correctly, then you never need the two tiny air tanks and regulator.

Hypnotherapy is the use of hypnosis in childbirth. The first book on this subject Children without Fear was written in 1942 by an English obstetrician named, (I am not making this name up), Dr. Grantly Dick-Read.

He said that fear was the culprit that caused the pain in childbirth. The only real childbirth fear today is the cost of raising one child through the college years: 1.1 million dollars. 

A Hypnotherapy birth is not considered a trance. The experience is similar to that feeling when you are focused on reading a book, enjoying a movie, or staring into a fire. 

The Ultimate Hypnotherapy birth feeling: Reading a book in a burning movie theater. 

Acupuncture involves the use of sterile hair-thin needles, precisely placed in special meridian points on the body. Acupuncture practitioners make a point of reminding you that you must commit to the entire procedure. You must stick it out.

But until the magic birthing hour arrives when your life as you have enjoyed it is officially over, sit back, lock your feet in the stirrups, (not you sir, I’m talking to your wife), and relax with these labor room no no’s:

All right, Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my epidural.  

1.  When her water breaks, it’s inappropriate to yell, “Thar she blows!” 

2.  Don’t flirt with the midwife during your wife’s labor pains, especially if the midwife is a male.

3.  Don’t ask the Obstetrician for directions to the nearest bar.

4.  You may be your wife’s labor coach, but leave the whistle in the waiting room.

5.  Don’t ask your wife for a “hit” off the spinal epidural. 

6.  If the birth has to be induced, don’t bring in the jumper cables. 

7.  Lamaze is not a French grandmother’s home for unwed girls. 

8.  It is 11:55 PM on December 31 and your tax accountant is pounding on your wife’s belly to get the additional tax deduction for this year. 

9.  Don’t use the leftover umbilical cord to show off your cowboy rope tricks. 

10. “Look Honey, she has your big butt.” 

11. If you have triplets, don’t say, “Well, there goes the boat I wanted.” 

12. The La Leche League’s official theme song is Madonna’s “Express Yourself.” 

13. “Gosh, I was really kinda hoping for a boy.” 

14. “Doctor, what can we do about my wife's ugly stretch marks?” 

15. It’s not appropriate to ask your wife to share when she’s breast-feeding. 

16. I’m not saying the baby isn’t mine, but why is he wearing a mini Fed Ex uniform? 

17. “I’m glad it’s a girl because you can finally get some help for your sorry cooking.” 

18. “Let’s name her Shel Silverstein.” 

19. If the baby doesn’t look like you, don’t use your cell phone to call Maury Povich. 

20. Don’t bring in the Black and Decker to save money on circumcisions. 

Don’t stop having babies. Retirees appreciate the new taxpayers coming on line to help fund their Social Security benefits.

Bob Simpson

Bobsimpson1947@yahoo.com

Velveeta Shortage

Forget ObamaCare, the economy, or privacy issues, we got real trouble here. We have a Velveeta Cheese Shortage.

Repeat: Super Bowl and the Winter Olympics are coming and NO Velveeta Cheese.
Some stores on the East Coast won’t be getting the cheese until February.  The only reason offered for the shortage was driver’s demands.

Apparently, some truck drivers with families do not want to haul hazardous materials during snow and ice storms.

Can this lead to a run on cheese? Cheese usually tends to clog the bowels, but runs are still possible.

Nacho makers have started advertising their chips with guacamole or salsa options. Scientists will confirm, however, that these alternatives do not come close to the endorphin-producing effects of nacho chips covered in Velveeta Cheese.

Velveeta Cheese has always been a secret calming side dish of every death row inmate’s last meal. Prisoners blissfully meet their maker with nacho crumbs in their teeth and Velveeta on their breath.

Is Kraft actually limiting production in order to ramp up this Velveeta scare? If this is the case, all America joins in one snack savoring supplication, “Kraft, please don’t cut the cheese.”

01-12-2014 Update: 

My BigMart Grocery Store had stack of Velveeta Cheese displayed in an aisle today. I suspect this was to boost our confidence in an uninterrupted supply of the Yellow Stuff. 

George Bailey did the same thing in It's a Wonderful Life? This time it is just a Wonderful Lie. I smell a rat ... or a mouse ... or publicity stunt.

Bob Simpson

Bobsimpson1947@yahoo.com

Today is Your Birthday

Happy Birthday to ya.      

First sign that the island
was not deserted.

Some Native Americans count their age by the number of moons as in "Dances with Clouds is 520 moons but she does not look a day over 390 moons."

In some parts of Mongolia, girls begin their age from the number of moons since their conception. Boys begin their age from the date of birth. So one moon after birth, the girl is about 10 moons old and the boy is one moon old.

In certain regions in China when the newborn arrives, he or she is already one year old. Every passing Lunar year adds another year to their age. Do they sing Happy Lunar New Year to You? 

If the new Lunar year arrived one month after birth, it would be possible to have a 2 year old that is actually only one month old.

Next we must address the strange theory that there is such a thing as a dog year. Supposedly one year in human terms equals 7 years in a dog’s life.

Ask a real dog lover how old his dog is. “I got him when he was a puppy about 12 years ago so old Duke here is 84 years old." 

How many of you just calculated 12 times 7 to make certain that old Duke really was 84?

We are asked to believe that our dog experiences 7 sunrises and 7 sunsets during one of our human days. Apparently, only dogs and some Hawaiian Tropic tanning girls are able to see these 7 sunrises and sunsets each day.

If a Galapagos Land Tortoise can live for 193 years, then he probably won’t even start dating until he is 40-years old, although a precocious tortoise may come out of his shell early to start a family.

This is a short essay by design since it’s your birthday. There are many well-wishers to interact with today along with some cake and ice cream and, hopefully, a special late night private birthday gift.

If you are still in elementary school or you are a precocious 42 year-old reading dog, the late night gift means you get to stay up late to watch Sponge Bob. 

Remember. 

You are not getting older; you are aging like fine wine and cheese. That means that the day after your birthday you will be hung over and constipated.

Bob Simpson

Bobsimpson1947@yahoo.com

Resume’ Update

Your resume' says you have over
30 years experience working with dirt.

You have a job and do it well. You like it and the boss likes you.

You work indoors and there is no heavy lifting involved. The atmosphere in the office is cordial; everyone looks out for everyone else.

There is a new ergonomic chair and a desk with a computer and two monitors in your office. The office is nicely air conditioned and there are pleasant accommodations for snacks and lunches.

The office building has more than a sufficient number of always-working elevators in the lobby. There is an adjoining free parking garage and a subsidized preschool daycare center on the second floor.
 
So why do you feel restless?

There might be something better out there, maybe more money, more benefits, or closer to home. You want to update your resume’ and let her fly out to the unknown wondrous opportunities beyond your field of vision.

Go ahead and update that resume’. Later I will have some warnings on what to leave off those resume's.

Do NOT prepare or update a resume’ on the company computer. It WILL be found. Your name will go to the head of the list that is being worked on in the Human Resources Department. That list is part of the company contingency plan in case things start going badly and layoffs become necessary.

You will never know that you made this prestigious dead-man-walking list. Even if you save the company a million dollars with one of your ideas, your name will still remain on that list.

Do I have to describe how it feels to be sitting at home waiting for the first of a very few small unemployment compensation checks? Your first puny guvment check is in your mailbox underneath the pile of overdue bills.

There is some hope for unemployed workers. Once a month, you may schedule an appointment at the food stamp office. They will issue you a fresh new piece of cardboard for your “I will work for food” sign.

Here below are 20 hints to help you update that resume’ (AT HOME):

1. Erase the line, “Come on. What have you got to lose?”

2. References: Delete the name of your parole officer.

 3. Don’t use the e-mail address “Disgruntled@unemployed.com.” 

4. Reasons for leaving last job should not include the pending sexual harassment charges.

5. Eligible for rehire at your last job: Don’t mention how cold it will have to be in hell.

6. Name of your old boss: Don’t call him Mr. Stab-In-The-Back Johnson.

 7. “Ability to work with others” is better than “Easy to get it on with.”

 8. Previous duties: Remove the answer “Working for the Man.”

 9. Your future employer does not need to know that you have to use public transportation since the DUI conviction.

10. Delete the sentence that says, “Need 10 days notice before any drug test.” 

11. Don’t mention that your salary is negotiable now that both of your sons are in prison for life. 

12. Delete the letter of recommendation from your court-appointed anger management coach. 

13. The 5 year gap in employment should not be explained as, “That drug problem is pretty much behind me now.” 

14. Do not use the nickname Studmeister.

15. Delete the bankruptcy information since it is filed under your wife’s name. 

16. Remove the information about your old company’s bowling team and how hot the babes were.

17. Delete your bathroom preferences. 

18. Don’t brag that your grandparents and parents have all passed on so you will never need any time off for funerals. Also remove the follow-up “except for my own funeral. Ha Ha.” 

19. Don’t offer that you will wear a stupid tie if you have to.

20. Remove the information about your voluntary participation in the ongoing medical study on Syphilis.

Bob Simpson

Bobsimpson1947@yahoo.com

You Booked the Wrong Flight

We're going down.
Fast forward to the end of the movie.

You and 3,200 of none of your closest friends are at the air- port waiting in line to get to the gate. 

Most of you are hoping to escape a degrading body pat-down

while one or two of you are secretly hoping to visit the Special Frisking Room.

You could be vacation bound, or a holiday traveler, or an extradited prisoner returning to Indiana on a 40-year outstanding warrant for writing a stupid song about Indiana Wants Me.

You are finally on-board, taxiing toward the runway, and then things start getting interesting, the same way that acupuncture is interesting. Here are some clues that you booked the wrong flight:

1. There will a slight delay. The co-pilot can not find his credit card for the fuel charges.

2. Don’t worry; there are plenty of breathing holes in the overhead storage compartments for your newborn baby.

3. The flight attendants from the 1980’s are the very same flight attendants today. “Coffee, Tea, or Metamucil?”

4. Regular fare passengers can bring one carry on. First class passengers may carry on with one flight attendant.

5. TONKA manufactured the refueling truck.  

6. Intercom: “We all want to congratulate the co-pilot Bob Snyder on his first take-off since returning from Rehab … again. We wish him well on the upcoming landing.”

7. We offer urinary catheters for rent during this long flight. Ask about our “Share a Bag with your Neighbor plan.”

8. When the oxygen mask drops from the overhead due to loss of cabin pressure, you must have exact change.

9. There is no beverage service because there are no restrooms. The passengers may not use the crew member’s restroom because it is too dangerous … and too windy.

10. The depressed pilot’s beautiful wife and 3 children just left him.

11. If you are allergic to peanuts, please sit in the Coughing and Choking section.

12. The pilots will not be available for consultation during Automatic-Pilot Nap Time.

13. Once the plane is safely on the ground, the crew will be asking for donations for the airport landing fee.

14. The Entrance sign to the cockpit is written in Braille.

15. You can find photos of your recent TSA airport body scan on your Facebook account.

16. The airsickness bags are now reusable and reversible.

17. Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. Ladies and gentlemen, this is your …

18. Emergency Exit Doors are marked “This way to Hell.”

19. If you are prone to blood clots in your legs, feel free to rest your feet in the convenient overhead stirrups.

20. The flotation device under your seat will work just as well as it did in the last crash at sea.

21. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. Our lavatories don’t have doors.

22. Please proceed to the nearest emergency exit. Women and children first, then men, then crew members, and finally any remaining Real Housewives of Atlanta.

23. The captain’s father was the love child of Wiley Post and Amelia Earhart.

24. The airline president is on the No Fly List.

25. Please remain seated if you’re continuing on with us to the spacecraft that is trailing Comet Hale-Bopp.

Bob Simpson

Bobsimpson1947@yahoo.com

Two Important Things Happened this Week.

For a man who runs a tree service and sells seasoned firewood, December is a busy month. There are trees to trim and firewood to distribute to restaurants and homes.

I was there in that tree service office while a young man in his late twenties was talking to Shawn, the owner. Shawn was sitting about 15 feet away while the young man stood at the counter.

The young man was explaining his experience with many different heavy equipment machines, along with a spotless safety record. You could tell by the way he talked that he had done everything he claimed. 

Shawn  asked a few questions, sized him up, and asked, “When can you start?”

“As soon as you want me to.”

It was Friday afternoon. Shawn said, “We’ll see you tomorrow morning at seven. Finish the paperwork and give it to my secretary, Bonnie.”

A qualified man met an employer in need and that’s all it took. Both men went home happy that night.

America  still lives … and works.

My 14-year-old daughter’s friend, Laura, is having to move out of her mother’s house and live with her father.

BUT her father is now moving to a new city, 26 miles away. Laura will have to relocate and start in another school.

She is in her first year of high school band. Mrs. B, Laura's former middle school band director, is married to Mr. B, Laura's new high school band director. 

So here are these two band directors who probably sleep 3 hours a night and … they offered Laura their home to live in. 

This is a life changer for Laura. When she eventually leaves her new home for a music scholarship, Mr. and Mrs. B will say that they gained as much from having Laura live there as Laura did. That may be true, but Laura really won on this deal.

God Bless a new job and God Bless a new home.

America not only lives and works … it still loves too.

Bob Simpson

Bobsimpson1947@yahoo.com

Aquarius. Insights into the Water Bearer

Aquarius, The Water Bearer

January 21 - February 19

You are honest, inventive, and independent. But those traits also come with a bit of contrariness, unpredictability and a somewhat detached personality.                     

Good with the bad, it’s always a trait off.

An Aquarian in traffic may capriciously change lanes without signaling. However, you don’t get emotionally involved or upset when the driver you just cut off, waves at you with one finger.

Aquarius is the god of Water. Don’t think you’re going to get far up that vacation road in the family car if you just washed down your blood pressure medicine with a big old tumbler of Sweeeeeeeet Tay.

Ye, of deep winter birth, are outgoing and friendly, but after the panhandler has thanked you for the dollar and said, “God Bless you,” that pretty much wraps up the conversation. No further intercourse is necessary.

Aquarians make good planners and musicians, but they especially like planning to become musicians.

Turquoise is your primary color. Several times in your life, you have become overly fascinated and obsessed with the syllable “quoise.”

In your early 40’s, neighbors observed you wandering through your empty house repeating the word, “Quoise, Quoise, Quoise”, laughing at how it sounded and made your mouth feel. That phase has passed and many of your friends have cautiously returned into your life.

Your birthstone is Garnet or Amethyst. What a cheap date that makes you. “Look, Honey. I got you this here Amethyst ring with my first week’s pay at the mill.”

Be careful during the first week of February when many Aquarians will listen to unscrupulous medical advice. A doctor may try to grab a senior’s annual Medicare deductible early in the year.

Schedule a screening colonoscopy since your ruling planet is Uranus. Don’t get ill in a crowded theater and yell, “Is there a Health Care Provider in the house?”

Paul Newman and Ellen DeGeneres were both born under this sign. They may not appear similar or share a commonality until you realize that Paul Newman preferred women and, of course, Ellen DeGeneres … 

Aquarian Oprah Winfrey is compatible with a Libra. In fact, the tabloids have romantically linked metaphysical spiritualist Libra Deepak Chopra and Oprah Winfrey. If you’ve ever had your tabloids romantically linked, then you know how good that can feel. 

Oprah cancelled her wedding plans when she realized that no one would ever watch ... The Oprah Chopra Show.

Remember. You are a Star, Even if it’s a Fallen-and-Can’t-Get-Up Star.

Bob Simpson

Bobsimpson1947@yahoo.com